[SHORT] Lists & Emails

Subject: New Intern “Cupid” – Onboarding Report

From: Rosaline Maw, HR Representative

To: Senior Management

Dear Team,

I am pleased (this is a lie) to report that our newest intern, who for some reason only goes by “Cupid,” has completed onboarding. Background check results were… inconclusive (no birth records, no last name, suspiciously vague on work history). He also listed his emergency contact as “Venus,” which I assume is a typo or some elaborate inside joke.

That aside, I have a few concerns:

1. Dress Code Violations – The new hire refuses to wear standard office attire. Instead, he shows up in what can only be described as a bedsheet held together by divine confidence. When I attempted to address this, he looked confused and said, “This is my work uniform.” Legal is looking into whether “ancient god of love” qualifies as a protected religious belief.
2. Office Supply Misuse – He has been seen carving arrows out of company pencils. When questioned, he mumbled something about “running low on stock” and then hid the arrows behind his back like an actual toddler caught stealing cookies.
3. Excessive Socialization – Within one hour of his arrival, he had already:
4. Told Kevin in Sales that his “soulmate was closer than he thought.” (Kevin immediately started staring intensely at Stacey from Marketing.)
5. Encouraged a “love confession” between two IT employees who, until today, had only ever spoken through Slack emojis.
6. Left a handwritten note on Lisa from Accounting’s desk that just said, “Trust your heart.” (Lisa has since been staring at Todd from HR with unsettling intensity.)

I don’t know if this is brilliant morale-boosting or an HR nightmare in progress, but I will continue monitoring.

Best, Rosaline Maw HR Representative

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Cupid’s To-Do List (Mortal Edition, Day One, Corporate Hellscape)

☑ Show up to “job” (Mortals require paperwork. Who knew?)

☑ Blend in. Act normal. Be mortal. DO NOT say the words “immortal being” out loud.

☑ Observe the humans. (Why do they drink so much coffee? What is “budget forecasting”?)

☑ Start matchmaking!!!

1. ☑ Kevin + Stacey (low-hanging fruit, easy W)
2. ☑ IT nerds in love (adorable. flawless. I am a genius.)
3. ❌ Greg + Sandra (MISTAKE. OH NO. SHE THREW A STAPLER AT HIM. ABORT.)
4. ❌ Lisa + Todd??? (Why is she looking at him like that? Did I accidentally start an enemies-to-lovers arc? Do I let it play out?)

☑ Avoid HR Rep. (Why do they keep staring at me like they know something?) ❌ Do NOT carve arrows at desk. (Too late. I did this. Bad idea.)

❌ Do NOT cause mass romantic chaos. (Uh.)

❌ Okay, maybe just one more couple.

❌ WAIT. WHY IS EVERYONE MAKING OUT IN THE BREAKROOM.

═════ ⋞ ⏣ ⋟ ═════

Subject: URGENT – Workplace Relationship Crisis

From: Rosaline Maw, HR Representative

To: Senior Management

Hello again.

I would like to formally report that workplace romance rates have increased by approximately 300% in the last six hours.

Incident Log:

1. 10:30 AM – Kevin confessed his love to Stacey mid-sales pitch. Stacey, flustered, also confessed. Neither finished the pitch. The client was… very confused.
2. 11:45 AM – Two IT employees were caught whispering poetry to each other in the breakroom.
3. 12:20 PM – Greg proposed to Sandra. Sandra responded by throwing a full cup of coffee at his chest.
4. 1:00 PM – Rose petals. Everywhere. No one knows where they came from. The janitor has submitted a formal complaint.
5. 1:45 PM – New intern spotted dramatically whispering “Love is in the air” while standing on his desk. (Why.)

At this rate, by Friday, we will have a full-scale office rom-com unfolding, complete with love triangles, forbidden romances, and possibly another workplace proposal.

Recommendations for Immediate Action:

1. Investigate Cupid. Who is this guy? Why is he always loitering near people right before they confess their feelings?
2. Ban public declarations of love during work hours. (This should not be something I have to write.)
3. Review policies on bow-and-arrow possession in office spaces. (Yes, apparently, this is necessary.)

Please advise.

Best,

Rosaline Maw

HR Representative

═════ ⋞ ⏣ ⋟ ═════

Subject: URGENT (AGAIN) – WORKPLACE ROMANCE AT CRITICAL LEVELS

From: Rosaline Maw, HR Representative

To: Senior Management

Team,

This is no longer just a “situation.” This is an HR apocalypse.

KEY DEVELOPMENTS:

1. Engagement #2: Tim from Accounting proposed to Jenna from IT. In the breakroom. Over tuna salad. SHE SAID YES.
2. A Love Pentagon Has Formed: Lisa from Accounting has feelings for Todd from HR, but Todd has been secretly pining for Karen from Marketing, who just hooked up with Jim from Sales, who is also flirting with Lisa.
3. Physical Altercations: Greg is still mad about the coffee-throwing incident with Sandra, but instead of backing off, he wrote her a sonnet. She responded by printing it out, marking it up like an English teacher, and sending it back with a grade. He got a C-.
4. Productivity Down 72%: I just walked past the conference room and found two employees holding hands under the table DURING A FINANCE MEETING. No one was paying attention to the numbers.

I have one primary suspect.

The intern.

“Cupid.”

ALSO, I’m 90% sure he has a weapon.

Today I caught him mid-draw with a literal bow and arrow. When I demanded an explanation, he panicked, dropped the arrow, and ran.

I have many concerns.

REQUEST FOR IMMEDIATE ACTION:

1. Investigate Cupid – Who is he? Where did he come from? How did he even get hired??
2. Confiscate His “Supplies” – If he is physically shooting people, we have a lawsuit waiting to happen.
3. Restrict Romantic Activity in Office – We need an emergency anti-fraternization policy. NOW.

Please respond before I start flipping desks.

Best,

Rosaline Maw

HR Representative

═════ ⋞ ⏣ ⋟ ═════

Cupid’s To-Do List (Mortal Realm, Day Two, Mild Crisis Edition)

☑ Fix Greg + Sandra (C-. This hurts me personally.)

☑ Ensure Tim + Jenna last at least a month (they have good vibes, but tuna salad proposals are RISKY)

☑ Figure out what “budget cuts” means. (Does love have a budget???)

☑ Avoid HR Rep. (They are looking at me like they know. Like they see into my soul. It is unsettling.)

☑ Stop using arrows. Seriously.

❌ Do NOT get caught with bow again. (I DID. BAD. VERY BAD.)

❌ Do NOT panic when HR Rep yells at you. (I RAN. WHY DID I RUN. I LOOK SO SUSPICIOUS.)

❌ Do NOT make another love triangle. (I made a love pentagon. This is out of control.)

❌ Do NOT THINK ABOUT HR REP. STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.

═════ ⋞ ⏣ ⋟ ═════

Subject: FINAL WARNING – CUPID NEEDS TO GO

From: Rosaline Maw, HR Representative

To: Senior Management

I am DONE.

I have tried to be professional. I have tried to contain this mess. I have tried to make sense of why an INTERN is single-handedly transforming this office into a live-action romance novel.

But today was the last straw.

TODAY, I WALKED INTO THE OFFICE TO FIND:

1. A handmade “Love Corner” in the breakroom, complete with fairy lights and an anonymous love letter dropbox.
2. Two employees slow dancing on top of a conference table while someone played acoustic guitar.
3. Greg (yes, GREG) down on one knee again in front of Sandra, reading another sonnet.
4. A literal cloud of rose petals falling from the ceiling. No one knows where they came from.

And, most importantly:

I CAUGHT CUPID. RED. HANDED.

He had his bow out.

He had an arrow drawn.

He was aiming it DIRECTLY at the receptionist.

I YELLED.

He panicked (again), dropped everything, and tried to flee. But I was faster.

Which leads me to the current situation: I have cornered the intern in an empty conference room.

He is currently refusing to make eye contact.

He also looks like he’s about to cry, which I was NOT prepared for.

We are having this conversation NOW.

Either someone comes and fires him, or I’m doing it myself.

Best,

Rosaline Maw

HR Representative

═════ ⋞ ⏣ ⋟ ═════

Location: Conference Room B (One Intern, One Furious HR Rep, and One Existential Crisis)

Cupid sits at the table, hunched over, arms crossed. He is visibly distressed. His toga is slightly rumpled. His bow is on the floor between them.

HR Rep pacing aggressively.

HR Rep: “You. Have. TWO MINUTES. Explain yourself.”

Cupid: (mumbling) “You wouldn’t believe me.”

HR Rep: “Try me.”

Cupid finally looks up. His usual smug, mysterious demeanor is gone. He looks... exhausted.

And then, quietly:

Cupid: “I’m not an intern.”

HR Rep squints.

HR Rep: “Oh? Then what are you, a cult leader? A romance influencer? Some kind of—”

Cupid: (softly) “I’m Cupid.”

Silence.

HR Rep blinks.

HR Rep: ”...Cupid. Like, the actual—”

Cupid: “Yes.”

HR Rep: “The Greek god of love.”

Cupid: “Roman, but yes.”

A long pause.

HR Rep: “Okay. Sure. That makes perfect sense. And I’m the goddess of filing paperwork. Fantastic.”

Cupid groans, running a hand through his curls.

Cupid: “I knew you wouldn’t believe me.”

HR Rep grabs his bow off the floor. Holds it up.

HR Rep: “You were about to SHOOT SOMEONE. WITH A BOW. IN A CORPORATE OFFICE.”

Cupid: (muttering) “It’s a love arrow, not a weapon.”

HR Rep: “I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE DISTINCTION.”

Cupid sighs. He waves a hand, and the bow glows faintly before vanishing into thin air.

HR Rep stares. Rubs their temples.

HR Rep: “What the actual—”

Cupid winces.

Cupid: “Look, I didn’t mean for things to get this bad. I was just supposed to be here for a little bit. Make some matches. Fix some lonely hearts. And then…” (he exhales) ”...things got out of hand.”

HR Rep crosses their arms.

HR Rep: “Yeah. No kidding.”

Cupid fidgets. His usual confidence is completely gone.

Cupid: ”...And then I got distracted.”

HR Rep narrows their eyes.

HR Rep: “By what?”

Cupid does not answer immediately. Instead, he bites his lip. Looks everywhere but at HR Rep.

And then, in a very, very small voice:

Cupid: ”...By you.”

HR Rep’s brain short-circuits.

HR Rep: “By. Me.”

Cupid: “You’re the only person here who doesn’t—” (gestures vaguely) “fall for all of it. The love notes. The rose petals. The grand gestures.”

He hesitates.

Cupid: “I didn’t think that was possible.”

HR Rep is still buffering.

HR Rep: ”...Are you saying you have a crush on me?”

Cupid turns red.

Cupid: ”...I think I might be in love with you.”

HR Rep sits down immediately. Like their legs just stopped working.

═════ ⋞ ⏣ ⋟ ═════

HR Rep’s Notes App Draft (ABSOLUTELY NOT DEALING WITH THIS)

Current Status: Catastrophic. Cupid—actual Greek god, not a weird intern—just confessed he has feelings for me.

To recap:

1. The office is still in romantic chaos.
2. He has ruined multiple employee relationships.
3. I was about to FIRE HIM.
4. And then, instead of explaining himself, he looked me in the eyes and SAID HE MIGHT BE IN LOVE WITH ME.

What.

The.

Actual.

Hell.

Do I have a type?

1. Unemployed? (Technically, divine being. Still not great.)
2. Responsible for widespread HR violations? (He is literally a one-man lawsuit.)

Do I feel something???

1. NO.
2. MAYBE.
3. I REFUSE TO THINK ABOUT IT.

Immediate next steps:

1. Forget this happened.
2. Fire Cupid.
3. Forget this happened.

Backup plan:

1. Take a sick day. Move to a different city. Start a new life.

End note: I am NOT falling in love with Cupid.

═════ ⋞ ⏣ ⋟ ═════

Location: Conference Room B (Now Featuring Mutual Panic)

HR Rep is still staring at Cupid.

Cupid is staring at the floor.

Neither of them speaks.

HR Rep crosses their arms.

HR Rep: “You’re not allowed to have a crush on me.”

Cupid: (frustrated whisper) “I KNOW.”

Silence.

HR Rep: “Can you—like—turn it off? Since you’re, you know, Cupid?”

Cupid: (groaning into his hands) “Apparently not.”

HR Rep leans back in chair. Rubs temples. Stares at ceiling like it personally betrayed them.

HR Rep: “You literally exist to make other people fall in love. How do you not know how to deal with your own feelings?”

Cupid: “Because I’ve never HAD them before!”

HR Rep freezes.

HR Rep: “Wait. Ever?”

Cupid shakes his head.

Cupid: “Nope. First time. Brand new experience. Absolutely horrible. Would not recommend.”

HR Rep blinks.

HR Rep: “So let me get this straight. You—immortal being, god of love, romance expert—just realized what it feels like to actually fall in love. And it’s with ME?”

Cupid shrugs helplessly.

Cupid: “Apparently.”

A beat.

Then—simultaneously:

HR Rep: “Nope.”

Cupid: “I hate this.”

HR Rep stands up.

Cupid stands up.

HR Rep picks up Cupid’s bow off the floor and points it at him.

HR Rep: “Fix this. Right now.”

Cupid: “HOW?!”

HR Rep gestures wildly.

HR Rep: “I don’t know! Shoot yourself with an anti-love arrow or something!”

Cupid grabs the bow out of HR Rep’s hands and throws it across the room.

Cupid: “That’s not how it works!”

HR Rep throws their hands in the air.

HR Rep: “Then how does it work?!”

Cupid glares at them.

Cupid: “I don’t know, okay? I don’t know anything anymore! I don’t know how to fix it! I don’t even know why it happened!”

HR Rep folds arms.

HR Rep: “Yeah, well, join the club, buddy.”

Cupid gestures aggressively.

Cupid: “You’re taking this a little personally.”

HR Rep: (scowling) “Of course I’m taking this personally! You just dropped a ROMANTIC APOCALYPSE ON MY DESK.”

Cupid throws himself into a chair.

Cupid: (muttering) “I didn’t mean to.”

HR Rep plops into the chair across from him.

Silence.

HR Rep drums fingers on the table.

HR Rep: ”...So what do we do now?”

Cupid sinks lower in chair.

Cupid: “Panic?”

HR Rep nods.

HR Rep: “Panic.”

They both sit there. Panicking.

═════ ⋞ ⏣ ⋟ ═════

Cupid’s To-Do List (Crisis Mode, Full Meltdown Edition)

☑ Confess feelings. (Regret.)

☑ Experience emotions for the first time. (Horrifying.)

☑ Panic with HR Rep. (We are so screwed.)

❌ Figure out what to do next.

❌ Stop making eye contact with HR Rep. It’s weird now.

❌ Fix the entire office before I get fired. Or banished. Or both.

═════ ⋞ ⏣ ⋟ ═════

HR Rep’s Notes App Draft (DO NOT SEND TO ANYONE, ESPECIALLY NOT CUPID)

New problem:

1. Cupid does not know how to handle emotions.
2. He is actively spiraling.
3. I am ALSO spiraling.
4. We are spiraling TOGETHER.

Immediate action plan:

1. Get Cupid out of conference room before someone walks in and sees me yelling at a deity.
2. Come up with a solution that doesn’t involve either of us having feelings.
3. Ignore the fact that Cupid looks annoyingly cute when he’s flustered. (Unrelated. Irrelevant. Unimportant.)
4. DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM.

═════ ⋞ ⏣ ⋟ ═════

HR Rep’s Notes App Draft (Final Entry, Thank God)

Current Status:

1. Cupid still has feelings.
2. I might also have feelings. (No. No, I refuse to accept this.)
3. The office is still a disaster zone.
4. We cannot keep spiraling forever.

New plan:

1. Have an actual conversation like adults.
2. Make a decision before I lose my mind.
3. Stop looking at Cupid like that. (Unrelated.)

═════ ⋞ ⏣ ⋟ ═════

Location: The Rooftop (Because Apparently This Needs to Be Cinematic Now)

HR Rep drags Cupid outside because if they have this conversation inside the office, someone will witness it, and they will not be able to survive the gossip.

Cupid is sitting on the edge of a ledge, feet dangling, looking up at the sky like he’s waiting for divine intervention.

HR Rep folds arms. Stares at him.

HR Rep: “Okay. We’re fixing this. Now.”

Cupid glances over. Shrugs.

Cupid: “Cool. How?”

HR Rep groans.

HR Rep: “You’re the one with the love magic, figure it out.”

Cupid exhales. Looks at HR Rep. Really looks.

And then—quietly:

Cupid: “Do you actually want me to fix it?”

HR Rep freezes.

Because that’s the question, isn’t it?

HR Rep could say yes. Could tell him to erase whatever this is, to go back to matchmaking and stop looking at them like that.

But for some reason, the thought of it makes their stomach twist.

HR Rep sits down beside him. Does not make eye contact.

HR Rep: “I don’t know.”

Cupid lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

And then—because he’s Cupid, and he is incapable of shutting up:

Cupid: “That wasn’t a no.”

HR Rep glares.

HR Rep: “Shut up.”

Cupid grins.

Cupid: “You like me.”

HR Rep groans, hides face in hands.

HR Rep: “This is my nightmare.”

Cupid laughs. Actually laughs.

And then, because he can’t help himself:

Cupid: “So… what now?”

HR Rep thinks about it. Really thinks.

And then—with a sigh:

HR Rep: “We try. I guess.”

Cupid stares. Blinks.

Cupid: “You’re serious?”

HR Rep grumbles.

HR Rep: “I hate that I am, but yes.”

Cupid grins so wide it hurts.

And then, because he’s a little dramatic, he nudges HR Rep’s shoulder.

Cupid: “You know this is gonna be a disaster, right?”

HR Rep snorts.

HR Rep: “Oh, absolutely.”

═════ ⋞ ⏣ ⋟ ═════

Cupid’s To-Do List (Relationship Edition, Holy Shit I Have a Partner)

☑ Get HR Rep to admit feelings. (Took forever.)

☑ Do not get fired. (Somehow succeeded???)

☑ Actually date someone for the first time in my immortal life.

❌ Try not to be annoying about it.

❌ Just kidding. Be very annoying about it.

❌ Figure out how to do romance without breaking an entire office.