2 - Divine Wish

The salesman pulled the cube back, winked and clucked his tongue with a roguish smile. “Don’t you worry, sir.” He put the cube back under his cloak and pulled out a roll of paper. With a flick of his wrist, it rolled open. It was a rather nice scroll, with heavy paper filled with dense paragraphs in thick ink written in that old-timey cursive that nobody born after 1800 could read without a magnifying glass and a lot of effort. There was a gold seal at the bottom and a line for someone to sign.

Kai studied it a moment. “Is that a contract?”

“It is indeed! My, aren’t you the most educated gremlin I’ve ever come across. This here is a contract for purchase with payments deferred, with annual sums owing as a percentage of revenue. A starter plan for the discerning gentleman dungeon master.” His tone became understanding. “Don’t worry, sir. Nobody expects you to be making a mint right off the bat. These things take time. A good dungeon must be nourished and grown. They take time to be discovered, longer for a reputation to develop, even longer when you’re far from any significant population centers. Why, you could go five years, ten, without paying a single copper. And that’s fine! You don’t pay until you start earning.”

“Like, you take a percentage of revenue forever?”

“No no no! Only until the purchase price is paid off, along with a teeny, tiny, barely noticeable amount of interest. Really, it’s hardly worth mentioning it’s so small; it’s just there for form’s sake more than anything. Once the dungeon core is paid in full, the entire dungeon is yours, free and clear.”

“Uh huh.”

“Just imagine it! You, right now, nothing but a strapping young gremlin, down on his luck, can’t even afford a loincloth, not that you need one when you’ve a twig and two berries that eye-catching. You’re poor, you’re hungry, your life lacks meaning and purpose beyond meagre survival. Now, imagine you, in the future, proud owner of the wickedest, vilest, most mysterious, most profitable dungeon in the land. You sit atop your grand design as adventurers from all corners of the world flock to your door to plumb its depths in search of glory and power and to steal your treasures. And as they succumb to your traps and monsters and lose themselves forever in your dungeon’s depths, you’ll be raking gold in hand over claw, laughing all the way to the dragonic bank.”

Kai blinked. “Dragons own a bank?”

“The financially responsible ones do. Only a fool would accumulate all that wealth and then just, what, sit on a bed of gold all day and guard it? What a waste when you can put that gold to work making even more gold!”

Kai shook his head. This was all coming at him so fast. He couldn’t think clearly. “Wait. You’re telling me that these things you’ve got are, what, dungeon cores? I plant the thing and grow a dungeon? And then make money off it?”

The salesman beamed. “Simple, right? Look, you’ve already got your very own cave. You’re off to a great start. I’ve got a very nice below-ground core that would be just the thing for you.”

“How can a dungeon grow?”

“Magically, of course!” He laughed way too hard. When Kai didn’t follow suit, the man hastily explained, “Dungeon cores are connected to the weave itself, the source of all magic that even the divinities take their powers from. It’s part of the fabric of the local universe. Your dungeon will become part of the fabric of the world. They all start small, no helping that. But as the dungeon master, you get to single-handedly design your dream dungeon. The more visitors you get, the better your design, and the more you’ll be able to expand, adding rooms and whole new floors. Build your own traps and lay out the labyrinth of your dreams. Want an S&M aesthetic with lots of dark stone and all kinds of torture equipment and whips and chains? Done! Want an old buried elven city that suffered some strange cataclysm far in the past, with flowing staircases and elegant water features? You can have it! Fill it with an entire compendium of monsters. Hire bandits to patrol the halls. Enlist a necromancer to flood multiple levels with undead. Why, you might even talk a young dragon into making its home deep in the lower stratum” He paused, then became hesitant and serious. “Honestly, I’d be very careful about that last part. Make sure you do the deal in writing and get the absolute best lawyer money can rent. Otherwise, that dragon is going to sucker you something fierce and the next thing you know, you’re endlessly bleeding cash to the greedy bugger and there’s nothing you can do about it.” He shook a stern finger in warning.

Kai was pretty sure he was hallucinating. Or maybe starvation was warping his mind. Or else this world was weird as hell. He looked down at his gremlin body. He sighed. Probably weird as hell. He looked at the contract. He couldn’t make out more than a word here and there.

The salesman continued his spiel, “And the best part! If you manage to grow your dungeon all the way to one hundred floors, your dungeon will be recognized as a world feature. Your core will connect directly to the divine realm, and you’ll be given the opportunity to ask a boon directly from the divinities themselves!”

Kai was stunned. “You mean, as a reward, I get to ask the gods for something, and they’ll grant it?”

“Yes! Exactly! Isn’t it brilliant? All these adventurer’s coming down into your dark halls in desperate and greedy pursuit of gold and jewels and magical trinkets. Meanwhile, you’re not only profiting off all their hard work; you’re the one who gets the big prize in the end, not them. Ha!” He swept his arm out and cast his gaze to the sky. “Wealth, power, fame, literal immortality. The gods could grant you anything!”

“Like make me human again? Or send me home so I can finish that burger I’d been really looking forward to?”

The salesman froze as if stunned. He hastily recovered and cleared his throat before replying. “Uh, sure. Yeah. Although, you know, maybe aim a bit higher. I mean, growing a dungeon to one hundred floors is quite the accomplishment, and they’re, you know, divine beings . They’re capable of a lot. Probably better to ask big and then negotiate down if you have to.”

“Right.” Kai slowly nodded. So, this shady, sketchy, untrustworthy-looking dude was selling magical dungeons — for free. All Kai had to do was sign this piece of paper with ink that seemed to glow with power when he stared at it too long, and he’d get his very own dungeon starter kit. Then he’d somehow plant the seed or core or whatever and start building the dungeon, making it bigger over time somehow. Then, ask the gods for a prize. That seemed impossible. Wild. Out of this world.

Oh. He wasn’t in his world anymore. Right.

Kai scratched his head with a claw. “I dunno...” This seemed way too good to be true. His stomach chose that moment to rumble so loudly they probably heard it three forests over. He could really use that burger right now. Maybe an extra-large fries. Enough cola to swim in. He sighed, lost in a vision of unhealthy fast food.

The salesman snapped his fingers and got another knowing look. “Don’t worry. I gotcha.” He let go of the contract, which somehow continued to float in the air exactly where it was. Then he dug into a satchel under his cloak. He pulled out a basket of bread that was the size of a wine cask and obviously way too large to have fit in that bag. The thing was bigger than Kai was now. The man put it down in front of Kai, whose eyes became glued to all that food. He gulped.

He hadn’t eaten in days…

The salesman held out a finger, indicating Kai should wait. Then he pulled out a slightly smaller, darker cask and set it down next to the bread. He cracked the top open, pulled the lid off, and revealed a huge amount of jerky. The scent of all that dried, spiced meat hit Kai like a delicious punch in the face. His mouth watered.

“And finally…” The salesman pulled out a massive, steaming, apple-type pie so wide and deep that Kai, in his new body, could have jumped in and used the dish as a bathtub. Somehow, the pie steamed, bringing wafts of baked fruit, cinnamon, and a delicate crust that had been decorated in sweet, sweet icing. The man winked again. “Signing bonus.”

At the sight of all that food, Kai’s starving stomach seemed to want to tear itself out of his body and attack the food directly. Wiping a line of drool off the corner of his mouth, Kai grouchily snatched the contract out of the air. “Gimme that. You got a pen?”

Even more smug now that the sale was in hand, the salesman’s greasy smile shone with triumph. He pulled a feather pen out of somewhere. “Of course.”

Kai scribbled his name on the contract, which took some effort because his hands were small and had large claws, making holding a pen difficult.

The salesman took the contract and examined the signature. “Excellent! Can’t wait to see just how far you get in the time you have.”

Kai froze. “Time I have?”

The salesman nodded, casually saying, “Mm. You know, with your limited lifespan an all. I mean, one would expect it to take hundreds or thousands of years to fully grow a dungeon to one hundred floors, but here you are, a gremlin with a lifespan of, what, twenty or twenty-five years giving it a go? Ballsy, my boy, ballsy indeed!”

Kai’s hands flew to his head, and claws dug in in panic. “Gremlins only live twenty-five years? Are you frickin’ kidding me?”

“Uh, I think so. I’m not really an expert on the subject. But I’m pretty sure they live longer than house cats…don’t they?” Suddenly, he seemed unsure, looking off in thought.

Kai looked down at himself in horror. This was far less time than he’d potentially had left as a human. There was no way he was going to be able to grow a dungeon in time to contact the gods and go back to being human in any reasonable timeframe. He was screwed. This stupid dungeon was not going to be the answer to his hopes. He was going to be stuck as a gremlin, with no hope of ever being himself again or going back to his old life. Shock and despair took a backseat to manic hunger as his stomach growled again and brought that basic need back to the fore in force.

Kai barely acknowledged the salesman passing over one of the cubes from under his cloak. All he could think about was all that food. The salesman tried to thank him or something, but all Kai could do was say, “Uh-huh. Fine. Whatever.” He tossed the cube over his shoulder in disgust at his situation. Then he face planted in the pie and began devouring it.

It was sinfully delicious.

Something chimed, a little sparkling melody, and it sounded like it was coming from inside his head. Then it faded away.

Kai couldn’t be bothered to give the retreating salesman or the odd sound any consideration for a good while. Only when he could eat no more, his belly bulging like he was eight months pregnant and about to give birth to more apple pie, did he finally pull his face out of the dish and sit on the ground, sated and happy for the first time since he’d come to this world.

He licked apple off his face. Well, he didn’t know if it was actually apple or just something similar. It was good though. He took a deep breath and sighed, becoming aware of his surroundings again. He looked around. The salesman was gone. Kai noticed the cube he’d bought sitting on the ground next to him. Curiosity overcame his previous frustration and hopelessness. He reached out and picked it up so he could study it.

It was very heavy, requiring both hands to hold it. About the size of a grapefruit, it was mostly dark, reddish-brown stone. Veins of metal ran through it, mostly copper and something dark that was probably iron. He looked closer and thought he saw flakes of gold and even a gold vein. One corner had a bit of polished silver or some similar metal. He found an odd spot and rubbed it with his thumb. Was that a gem of some kind buried in the thing? He wasn’t sure, but it felt like it. Or maybe just a piece of glass.

For a few moments, he just sat there, wondering just how big a sucker he’d been to buy the thing. He hadn’t even read the contract and now realized that it might have been a major mistake that could turn around and not just bite him in the ass but bend him over and rape said ass as well. With a rusty metal cock. A quick look around showed him that the shady merchant hadn’t left a copy of the likely magical contract around. Not good. Now he had no idea of what the terms were.

Sitting there and stewing about his mistake wasn’t going to do anything but make him miserable, and there was nothing he could do about it now. He didn’t even know what direction the man had gone, so there was no way to chase him down. Not that that he could with legs a fraction of the length of a human’s.

With another sigh, he stood, the cube in hand. Might as well see if this thing worked or if he’d bought a hunk of junk. He looked at his little cave. Well, the salesman had mentioned it would make a starting point. Kai strode into the cave, going all the way to the back wall. He placed the so-called dungeon core low on the back wall and pushed it into the soft soil like he was planting a seed. Then he tossed some damp dirt over it to cover it, feeling like an idiot.

At first, nothing happened. Then, to Kai’s amazement, the cube shivered all on its own. It sunk into the soil and rock. The earth rumbled. An opening appeared where the cube had been, expanding down and going deeper. He could hear distant groans and rock shifting from somewhere below. It continued for several minutes. Then, it slowed to a stop, and the cave once more fell into silence.

Feeling both awed and nervous, Kai hesitantly stepped towards the opening. A dark tunnel dove into the earth. Thanks to his gremlin low-light vision, he could see that it extended about a dozen human paces down at a shallow angle before levelling out. He stared down into the hole for some time, trying to work up his nerve. “Well, here goes nothing.” He slowly descended. At the end of the dirt tunnel, he emerged into a square room, the ceiling, floor, and walls all made of large stone blocks. In the center of the room was a chest.

The top of the chest flew open. Fireworks and streamers exploded out of the chest while triumphant music played. The sparkling lights popped and faded away. That chime triggered inside of his head again. A panel of white light, like a computer window, appeared in his vision, like some outdated RPG text box. He couldn’t help but feel a rising sense of excitement as he read the words:

Welcome to Your New Dungeon!

Dungeon Master

Level 1