Goblins Arrive!

Without slowing down, Kai chucked the baby like he was two-hand throwing a soccer ball into play from the sidelines, straight up into the owl bear’s chest. “Catch!”

The owl bear jerked backward, blinking fast. It instinctively reached out to catch the flying baby, which gave out a startled, “Eep!”

Kai ducked and scooted right between the owl bear’s legs while the taller beast was desperately distracted. He didn’t quite duck low enough because bears have stubby legs, and smacked his forehead on something furry and rubbery, which elicited a gasping squawk from overhead. Kai didn’t slow, though. Once through, he gunned it for the far wall and the admin stairway. Only once he was safely in the stairwell and protected by the barrier so creatures and others couldn’t get to him, did he turn and look back while doubled over, hands on his knees, panting from exertion.

The first owl bear, the one now living in the dungeon, was backpeddling with frantic haste, baby clutched tight, eyes bulging.

The second owl bear, presumably the baby’s mother, came barreling into the room like a freight train of parental wrath. She let out a high-pitched roar and snatched the baby out of the other’s arms. Even as the baby stopped crying and buried its head in the mother’s furry chest, the mother batted the other adult owl bear, perhaps the father, over the head.

The father tried to duck and cover, but it was no use. The mother kept slapping him down while screeching and growling, and probably really chastizing him for not being around to protect the baby.

Kai felt slightly guilty about that. And the kidnapping. Then he climbed the stairs as fast as he could on jellied legs, silently hoping the dungeon came with an elevator upgrade at some point. In the Admin Room, he flung himself at the console and locked the door to the fifth floor. Clinging to the console to prevent himself from sliding to the floor, he looked up at the screen.

Both adults and the baby were in the room. The door was locked. The mother was…still giving the father a piece of her mind. Or three. Violently. He appeared to be trying to run away, clawed paws over his head, fiercely waddling and begging her to stop according to his whimpering, but she was sticking to his fluffy feathered tail, not letting up for a second, the baby tucked safely under her other arm.

Kai let himself sink to the floor at last. He let out a long breath and enjoyed the cool stone against his body. “You’d think from all this running for my life, I’d have better cardio by now.”

He now understood why rabbits and deer were always so fit. At least this gremlin body was in better shape than his human one had been. If he’d been his old, saggy, soft self, he’d have been eaten three times over by now. And he wouldn’t have been lean meat. He would have been highly marbled, like those cows in Japan that spend their entire life in a tiny stall being stuffed with food every day until they were riddled with fat, and became famously juicy steaks: Kobe beef. That would have been him: Kobe Kai, the other red meat.

Hmm. Kobe Kai. Kinda sounded like Cobra Kai. That could have been his nickname if he’d been turned into a naga instead of a gremlin. A long, forked tongue and an extendable hood, maybe poisoned fangs. Maybe a black ninja outfit and membership in a secret, evil organization determined to take over the world. That would have been too weird. As strange as it was being in a body the size of a cat, he was glad he was still bipedal and not slithering around on a tail.

A greasy odour caught his nose. Scrunching it up, he reached up and touched his forehead. Then he sniffed his fingers. He gagged. “Ew. I smell like sweaty bear b—”

A loud whining sounded.

Kai glanced up at the screen.

The father owl bear was on his knees, begging as the mother berated him. But she wasn’t hitting him, so…progress?

Kai stared at the wall. He’d just kidnapped a family and trapped them in his dungeon. On the one hand, maybe he’d saved them from being murdered for XP by that adventurer he’d heard about from Dead End. On the other hand, he’d locked them in an underground prison for the sake of dungeon growth. Maybe he’d be able to turn their room into a really nice place, like the best zoo enclosure ever, with lots of free food and the occasional adventurer to feast on. Then again, it would still be an enclosure, and they would no longer be free in the wild. Although the wild was dangerous, they had been free out there. He’d taken that away from them.

Some people in his position might have been like, who cares? You got free monsters. Level up from that shit, and enjoy it, bro! XP is all that matters. It’s use or be used, kill or be killed, the law of the jungle. Progression and dominance, bitches! Because some people didn’t have feelings and couldn’t be empathetic. They were self-centred and soulless, the true monsters of the world.

Kai might be a gremlin now, but he didn’t want to be a monster. That left him conflicted. Something to think about. For now, he heaved himself off the floor, washed the stank off his forehead, and set to hauling down some food for the new arrivals. Whether or not he released them later, they needed food and water. And a latrine. Because he wasn’t cleaning that place in person.

He said aloud, “Legendary dungeon doesn’t come with bathroom facilities. Guests are disgusted and leave poo-filled reviews. 5/10.”

A farting noise came from somewhere, and a stench filled the room.

Kai sat up, pinched his nose and looked around. “Ok, who did that?!” Had someone been at the open door? Maybe there were bugs in the air-flow system? That would fit with the shady sales guy willing to sell to gremlins. And explain the low price of free. He needed to find some pine trees and drag a few boughs into the dungeon to make it smell better.

The next day started much more quietly. Although Kai was eager to set out to find the elves, Rush was needed to help the other kobolds with the construction of basic defences in the dungeon, guarding folks while they gathered food and materials in the forest, and helping with the new mine. There was a lot of talk over how to set up a candle-making workshop. The owl bears had quieted with the copious addition of food. The baby crawled around, exploring the new space while the mother glared at the father, who had taken a sudden interest in stonework, lighting, and dragging the baskets of food Kai left from the door to his silently angry mate before dashing out of reach.

Kai busied himself helping here and there where he could while trying and failing to hold back a sense of urgency that they really, really needed to get going on the whole making money thing so the dungeon didn’t get taken from them. He was helping construct a table outside the mine when he felt a haptic buzz in the base of his skull that jerked him right out of his work. He whipped his head around, thinking someone had attacked him from behind, but no one was there. Then the buzzing came again, making him shiver. He noticed a blinking light in the corner of his vision and tried to turn to look at it, only for the red dot to move wherever his gaze did. Only when he tried to focus on the dot did a digital-like window pop up in his vision.

“Ahh!” He fell backward on to his butt.

Rocky and others in the room looked at him.

“Uhh…can any of you see this?”

Rocky cocked his head to the side, confused.

“Great. Just me.” He focused on the words. It was like he had a heads-up display in his vision.

INTRUDER ALERT

His brain stem buzzed again. He wriggled and stood, upset. “What the hell, man? Did this place turn my head into a frickin’ iPhone? Not cool!” He called out to the others, “Someone’s coming into the dungeon! Be careful!” He dashed upstairs to the Admin Room as the others hurriedly made themselves scarce.

On the wall screen, a figure stood in the entrance to the first room, cautiously peering inside, and giving the floor a very suspicious study. It was human-sized, had mottled green-brown skin and an ugly face, a pot belly, and the worst — second worst — thin orange hair he’d ever seen. It was like a balding troll doll but way less cute. And it carried an axe of dark gray metal, making it dangerous.

Kai’s jaw hit the floor. “Holy fantasy tropes, is that a goblin? Daaamn, that’s way bigger than I thought they’d be. Or maybe it’s an orc? Or…some kinda ninja turtle without a shell?” Too bad the magical dungeon didn’t come with a monster manual.

The creature placed a tentative but purposeful foot on the floor where the pit trap was, but he hung onto the door frame at the same time, obviously testing the integrity of the stone in front of him and expecting the worst. When the pit opened, he nodded as if expecting that and did not fall in.

“Guess Slimy won’t be tasting goblin today.” Kai watched as the goblin took a couple of steps back, then ran and easily leaped the pit. Kai felt a twist in his gut. This guy seemed really dangerous.

Several smaller figures gingerly edged into view on the side of the screen, coming down the tunnel to the dungeon entrance. They were much smaller than the orange-haired warrior, female, and from the looks of things, several were heavily pregnant. This changed Kai’s perspective immediately, and his sympathy rose to the fore. Maybe these goblins needed help. The kobolds had needed help, and they’d turned out to be good people. Maybe these goblins were the same, not at all like old stereotypes back home. Just because they weren’t cute or cool-looking didn’t mean they were bad people.

He almost opened the Admin door to the first floor so he could talk to them. After all, he would be safe behind the barrier. But at the last second, something told him that maybe he should act more cautiously. No sense revealing that the dungeon was magical just yet. So he scooted down to the second floor.

He quietly worked his way toward the main stairs, taking up a position with the bear and pit traps at the bottom of the stairs between him and the newcomers. He peered up the stairs and listened. His acute gremlin hearing easily picked out the sounds of people being helped across the pit trap above on the first floor. Kai cupped his hands around his mouth and called up the stairs, “Hey! Can you hear me?”

The sounds above halted. Moments later, the big goblin warily poked his head into the stairwell.

Kai felt suddenly nervous. The goblin was much bigger than he was. “Uh, hi. Welcome to the dungeon.” That sounded generic. He would have to think up an actual name at some point. “Do you…come in peace?” He really couldn’t figure out what to say.

The warrior above studied Kai with narrowed eyes. Then his gaze roamed the corridor. “Just you down there?”

Kai felt his excitement rise. This one, at least, seemed able to speak fluently in the same language. He smiled. “Oh no. There’s more of us.”

“This your place?”

“Yeah. It’s home.” How weird it was to say that. He used to live in a big, modern city. Now he inhabited a literal dungeon. With monsters. “We’re not necessarily hostile. I mean, if you’re cool, we’re cool.”

“Cool?”

Right, different sayings in different cultures. “We don’t wanna fight if you don’t wanna fight.”

The goblin, Kai guessed it was a hobgoblin from the size, slowly nodded. “I see.” He seemed to mull it over. Then he slid the axe into his belt and smiled wide. “Very well. Of course we don’t want to fight. We’re not violent people at all! Just a humble family looking for a new place to settle into.”

Kai was relieved. He didn’t want to fight either. “Good. Please, come on in.” He waved the goblin down. “Oh! Wait. Hold on. There are traps. Hold on.” He ran back to Admin and turned them off.

The goblin was at the foot of the stairs, the females hiding in the doorway above. He poked at the bear trap, flicking leaves away so he could examine it.

“Ok. All safe now. Well, the pit traps are off. You can jump over the bear trap. Just be careful. Um, do your family members need help?”

The goblin idly asked, “So you can turn traps on and off remotely, hmm?”

“Yeah.”

“Interesting.” He studied the ground on the other side of the bear trap. “There’s another pit trap right there?”

“Yeah. But you can walk on it now.” To prove it, Kai stepped onto the hatch, and it stayed in place.

The goblin nodded, casually interested. He looked over his shoulder and waved the others down. The goblin stepped forward, not bothering to help the women down or over the trap, despite the fact that they were more Kai’s size and some were waddling and needed help. He had a confident, commanding air, the look of someone used to being in charge and successful. “So, there are more of you down here? What are you, by the way?”

“Me? Gremlin. Just one of me. We have a tribe of kobolds living here too. And a couple of slimes.”

The goblin seemed amused. “Kobolds, huh?” He relaxed even more. He walked past Kai into the corridor, looking both ways at the rooms down the halls. “So this is your place? You and the kobolds?”

“Yep. We’re still making it comfortable, but it’s starting to take shape. I think it’ll make a good home, place to keep people safe from adventurers or dangerous animals and stuff.”

The goblin nodded in agreement, eyes everywhere. Finally, he turned to Kai with a big grin. “Excellent. And you have room for us? If you don’t, I completely understand. But, as you can see, some of us are really in no shape to continue travelling. It would be a great help to settle down somewhere.”

Kai watched the women working at helping each other over the bear trap. He hurried over to lend a hand. They were leery, but accepted it. He spoke as he helped a pregnant female goblin around the side of the trap. “Yeah. If you guys need a place to stay, the more the merrier.” When the goblin woman gave him a tentative smile as she set foot on the safe floor again, he felt a bit lighter. He enjoyed helping folks. Once they were all on the second floor, he turned back to the evident leader. None of the others were close to his size.

The leader seemed quite pleased. He extended an arm down and gave Kai an apparently friendly poke in the arm. Maybe it was how goblins shook hands? “What’s your name?”

“Kai.”

“Kai. Great name. Strong. I like it. I’m Chief Thump.”

“Um, nice to meet you.” Should he poke back? He shouldn’t; that would be weird. Unless he was expecting to be poked? No, better play it safe. No poking.

With a broad, toothy smile full of charm, Thump spread his hands wide and said, “This is gonna be great. Really great. What we have here is the makings of a beautiful friendship; I can tell. And this place, this dungeon? Beautiful. Amazing. Spectacular. You’ve done really well here. But I can just see the potential. This dungeon could be even better! We’re gonna do great things together. I’m excited. This is gonna be the greatest dungeon ever.”

And Kai grinned back, believing him and really excited about the future.