Let's Make a Deal

KAI

Three of them hustled through the forest: Kai, Rush, and Rocky. It wasn’t as simple as running through the towering oak and other trees to their destination. First, they didn’t exactly know their destination, only that humans lived in a certain general direction. Second, they were all tiny, which made them prey to a lot of things in the forest. Like maybe the giant in front of them.

Kai crouched behind a tree trunk, pressed up against the relatively smooth bark and peeked around. Rush and Rocky were behind him. The trunk was wide enough to hide them all.

Rush asked, “See?”

Kai couldn’t speak, only nod twice.

The creature they were hiding from shouldn’t have been able to move so silently. He guessed it was something like a treant. It was just like the oak he was hiding behind, except this one could walk. It had pulled itself right out of the ground and slithered along on hundreds of roots, deftly weaving between the other trees with only a slight rustle of leaves high up in the canopy.

One of the treant’s branches suddenly shot outward into the branches of another oak. When it pulled back, it had speared a furry, ferret-like thing. Blood dripped down the woody limb. As the branch curled toward the treant’s body, the bark on the trunk split, and a very large mouth appeared. The creature popped the dead ferret in its mouth and sucked the end of the branch clean, all without pause. Despite its bulk, the treant’s steady progress carried it safely away.

Kai shivered. Trees shouldn’t be allowed to do that. It wasn’t fair. Or right. You should be able to trust the trees to be trees. They shouldn’t be able to swallow you whole. He gave the tree he was hiding behind a look of distrust and decided he’d rather not be that close. He gave the bark a poke with one sharp claw. Then another. When the tree didn’t open a maw and devour him, he was mildly relieved but was pretty sure he wasn’t going to trust trees the same way anymore. He edged away.

Rush took the lead once more. The gear and weapons given to the kobolds by the dungeon system couldn’t be carried outside, so the kobold warrior was once more only armed with a sharp stick. Rocky had the same. The much older, grayer kobold moved more slowly, forcing the trio to take their time, but he also looked quite pleased to be along on the exploratory trip. He had a crude spear of his own and a constant smile with several missing teeth. We all want to feel useful, especially when we get older, and people treat us more like a burden instead.

The three of them wandered all over. Kai led them to the area where he’d seen the kids hunting, then to the road. They saw no one. But it seemed logical to follow the road to wherever it came from. When this took them further away and seemed to be heading out of the forest, they went back the other direction. Eventually, they came upon a human settlement with poorly used farmland around it, half the land overgrown or carved up by animal passage or blackened by fire. A wooden pallisade ringed the crude village, though it had been recently damaged in a monster attack. A board had been painted black outside the gate and white letters slapped on it in almost a mockery of a name: Dead End.

Two men emerged from the front gate with long-handled farming implements over their shoulders and buckets in hand. They trudged into the fields in the direction of Kai and the other two, followed by a woman wearing what seemed to be a black nun’s habit or something similar. It covered her from head to toe and had white edges and a white symbol of some kind on both sides of the ankle-length dress. Both men looked weary and appeared to be doing their best to ignore the woman as she tramped after them, one hand holding her skirt out of the mud and the other gesticulating as she chastized them.

The trio of ‘monsters’ kept themselves carefully hidden while the humans approached. Eventually, they came close enough to the forest edge that they could be overheard.

The nun angrily harrangued them, “This is just not acceptable! We cannot let some power-mad adventurer just come in here and bully us around.”

One of the men called out over his shoulder as he walked through the muddy field, “Whaddya gonna do about it, sister? You wanna fight him?” He mockingly laughed, dumped his tools and bucket on the ground, and set to hoeing.

“He threw that poor family right out of their home.”

The other man grumbled overly loudly, “Best home in town.”

She gasped, appalled. “How can you be so insensitive? He very nearly crippled the father. Now the family has nowhere to live!”

“Then I guess they can build another really nice house. Spunkers.” He made a sexual motion with one hand, causing the other man to snort with amusement.

“But they have children!” She looked at them both like she couldn’t believe they could be so heartless, pleading, “Please, won’t you think of the children?”

“No.”

“Brats. We have ourselves to worry about.”

“He’s some rich bigshot’s son. He wants the house; he gets the house. ‘Sides, he paid them for it, right?”

“Lucky bastards.”

The nun levelled a finger and frowned deeper. “Heinrich! Language!”

He just rolled his eyes at her. “Go back to talking t’ yer gods, Sister Anne. Some of us got real work to do. Unless ya wanna starve.”

The two men despondently dug into the field with their hoes, giving her no more attention.

But she wasn’t going to give up so easily. “Gentlemen, I implore you to help. I implore you to stand up for the well-being of your fellow citizens. This isn’t right! Are you listening?” She stood there, beseeching them, but was completely ignored. When they refused to even acknowledge her, she huffed, spun on her heel and strode off.

Or, she tried to.

In the brown and black muck at her feet, there was a small but tenacious root from a former tree. It stubbornly poked out of the wet dirt, and when the nun stepped forward, she inadvertently dragged the hem of her dress over the root, at which point, the fabric snagged and caught. The nun was jolted, slipped on the ground, and stumbled forward, her arms pinwheeling as she tried to stop herself from falling on her face.

The weight of her falling forward was too much for the cheap fabric, and it tore straight up the backside of the dress, all the way to her neck like it was wet tissue paper. The entire dress was ripped away in a blink.

From out of the black fabric emerged a glorious body of the kind that Kai had only seen in anime, manga, and certain websites where minors weren’t allowed. Pale, flawless skin emerged as if seeing daylight for the first time, every breathtaking centimetre of it. Her legs began with delicate ankles, swelled to riveting calves, and became thickly thunderous thighs, the kind that could save a man’s life, or trap him forever. In no way at all hindered by delicate pale panties, her firm yet pillowy buttocks sprang free and jiggled with the kind of primal beauty that had caused neanderthal men to paint endless inferior reproductions on cave walls, and then sigh with a smile, thinking, No this isn’t even close to how perfect the real thing was.

Her waist was narrow, but not too narrow, her belly flat, but neither taut nor chiselled. Her back was graceful, and her arms were lithe. But it was her breasts that really drew the eyes. They boobily bounced in all their bouncing boobily brilliance. They were so perfect, so round and heavy, so gob-smackingly heavenly that one glance threatened to shut down every male brain within three days’ ride and then melt it forever. A ray of light glanced so perfectly off one sublime orb that, when it reflected, a sparrow flying by was blinded and smacked into a tree. Nearby creatures burst into song, and the clouds above drifted away lest they impede the sunlight shining down on the miracle below.

The two farming men glanced up at the sound of the dress ripping. Their eyes bulged, and so did other things. A woman three towns over who couldn’t even see what was happening was so offended by the nudity that she began having apoplectic fits.

Rush and Rocky gazed in adoration at the vision before them. Their mouths hung wide open, chins dripping with drool, and together they let out a little moan. Rush breathed, “Looks soooo delicious…” to which Rocky nodded in fervent agreement.

The nun, Sister Anne, barely managed to catch herself from falling. She blinked in surprise at her predicament, then looked down at her bare body and the way her tits gleamed in a way that promised an answer for all life’s mysteries or at least that you would no longer care about them. For a good three quarters of a second, she was utterly flabbergasted. Then she let out a gutteral, “OH, FUCK!” Realizing what she’d just said, she clapped her hands to her mouth, wide-eyed and aghast at her own behaviour.

Rush continued to mumble, “…delicious roast… slow-cooked rump roast…juicy fatty thighs…yummy b-b-breasts…must find rosemary and thyme…” He wiped some of the drool off with the back of an arm and nudged Kai with the other. “Hey.” He glanced over, saw Kai staring too, then looked down and saw the way Kai’s towel wrap was tented. He barked a laugh, elbowed Rocky, who looked over and saw as well, then the two joked in their own language at Kai’s expense, though not in a malicious way.

Kai watched the nun cover herself and run back into the village. Only when she was gone did the spell break, and did he notice the other two smirking at him. He flushed with embarrassment. “Oh, shut it.” When they wouldn’t, he punched Rush in the shoulder, but that only made the two laugh more. “Oi!” He was saved from further embarrassment when he noticed two familiar youths walking away from the village toward the forest. “Hey. It’s them. Let’s go!”

The trio circled the farmland while staying in the edge of the forest. They were forced to keep an eye on both sides because they weren’t safe from the humans or the other forest creatures. As they jogged, Rush and Rocky continued to whisper in their language, smirk, and give Kai amused looks. Kai tried not to acknowledge any of it. Eventually, they had to slow and give the older kobold a break.

Rocky, winded from the effort of running and laughing at the same time, nudged Rush and probably said something like, Watch this. He stood next to Kai while holding his spear between his legs. Then he gaped in faux astonishment and pointed ahead at nothing. “Look! Look!” He lifted the spear in a familiar manner. “Sexy meat!”

He and Rush doubled over in tummy-aching laughter.

Kai tried to hold back a smile, and failed. “Ha. Ha. Very funny.”

Rush came over and placed a hand on Kai’s shoulder. “Never see man happy from food like that. So funny!” He laughed hard.

“Yes, very funny.”

“Only human? You happy from chicken too? Goat? Vegetables?”

Rocky mimed seeing something and pointed again. “Sexy tomato!” Up the spear went again.

“Oh, shut it!” Face hot, Kai stomped off.

The two laughing kobolds followed, wiping tears from their eyes.

When they saw the human boys ahead in the forest, all three became serious once more. While Kai hoped the boys would be ok with seeing him after their past encounter, there was no guarantee they wouldn’t try to shoot him or call for help. So the trio tried to get close without being seen. This turned out to be fairly easy because the two boys paused just out of sight of the village and began talking.

A dozen paces away, Kai hailed them in a loud whisper, “Hey. Guys. Remember me?”

Both youths whirled. Their eyes popped open in surprise.

Kai glanced toward the village, then waved them closer. “Come here. Can we talk?”

Neither boy moved.

Kai cautiously stepped out from behind the bush he’d been hiding behind. “It’s safe. I promise. I just really need to talk to you guys. I have two friends with me, but they won’t hurt you, I promise.”

The older boy held their only bow. He seemed to grip it tighter, but didn’t draw an arrow. He and the younger brother exchanged glances. They both shrugged.

It was the younger one who made the first move, tentatively getting closer, also looking toward the village to make sure nobody was watching. When he was within about three paces of Kai, he stopped. “You’re the one from before?”

Kai nodded. “Yeah. That hunter that tried to steal your kill.”

The older boy asked, “What happened to him?”

“Uh, he chased me, tried to kill me. Unfortunately for him, he fell down a hole and died.” It was mostly true. No need to mention that Kai had encouraged things. The older boy looked wary at hearing that, but the younger boy seemed slightly relieved.

The older boy asked, “So what do you want?”

Kai took a breath. “Ok. So, here’s the thing. I’m new around here. I don’t really know how a lot of things work.”

“Ok…”

“So, for example, is a thousand gold a lot of money or like a month’s wages or pocket change or what?”

Both boys burst into laughter.

“A thousand gold?”

“That’s more than we’d ever see in our lifetime.”

Kai sagged. “Aw, man. I figured.” He looked up. “Ok, here’s the deal. I need to make money, fast.”

The younger one looked at him strangely. “You need gold? But you’re a monster.”

“It’s complicated. I owe someone. Ok? So, me and some friends live in the forest. I was thinking, if we had stuff to sell, would anyone in the village have money to buy it?”

The older boy, though confused and uncertain, looked thoughtful. “Maybe. Like, food?”

“Could be! Or maybe there’s special plants in the forest? Uh, maybe we had some elf stuff to sell?”

“M…maybe?” The older boy, who was just a teen, didn’t seem to have a clue.

The younger boy prodded him, “We could ask Pa.”

“Pa’s hurt.”

“Ma then.”

“I suppose.”

Kai smiled, then when they flinched, realized he should probably stick to smiling without teeth. Gremlins had a more shark-like smile. That was probably not very friendly. “Would you ask? Sorry to put you on the spot. It’s just really important for us. And we don’t have much time.”

The boys shrugged. The older one nodded and pulled his brother away. “Ok. We’ll ask. You’ll stay here?”

“Yes.”

After the boys ran off back to the village, Rush and Rocky emerged from hiding looking very impressed.

Rocky in particular was awed. “Speak human. Wow.”

“Well, it’s the only language I know.”

Rocky sagely nodded. Then he gasped and pointed behind Kai. “Look!”

Kai whirled to face the danger. “What?”

The spear between Rocky’s feet rose up so that it jutted out from his hips. He moaned, “Yummy squirrel!” Then he sputtered, and he and Rush collapsed in a heap, gasping and laughing so hard they couldn’t do anything else.

Kai stared at them both. He rubbed his face, careful not to claw his own eyes out. “This is gonna become a thing, isn’t it?”

They waited in the forest for some time, the others eventually letting the joke go, at least for the moment. Kai figured there was only a slim chance that the boys would be back. Once their parents found out their kids were talking to monsters, and about elven goods at that, there’s no way they were going to be allowed to go out into the forest again. But to Kai’s immense surprise, both boys appeared out of the village gate, and they had a middle-aged woman between them.

When they cautiously approached, it was the mother who led the way. She wore a dark brown dress and apron and carried a cleaver in one hand. She drew herself up at the sight of Kai half hiding behind a bush. With a quick word, she told both boys to stay behind her.

Kai waved. “Hi. Yes, talking monster, so to speak. Ha! I think that was a pun.” He snorted at his own joke before realizing he was dealing with someone. “Right. Uh, sorry. Did they, um, tell you what we talked about?”

The woman studied Kai. Her lips were pressed tight. “Why would we deal with a monster?”

“Fair point.” Kai studied them back. “Dead End seems like maybe it isn’t the wealthiest place. Maybe we could help each other?”

Her eyes narrowed, and she glanced over at the village. She lowered her voice. “You have elf things?”

“Maybe. We’re going to ask them, too, if they’d be willing to trade. My friends here, they’re kobolds—”

The woman gasped, “Kobolds!”

“They’re actually really nice people. Just don’t, like, sit down to dinner with them.”

“Why?”

“No reason. Anyway, we’re hoping we could be the middleperson between elves and you guys? Do some trading?”

The woman nervously toyed with the cleaver in her hands. “That’s very dangerous. Elven goods. They’d want to know where we got them. Trading with the elves…that might be against the law. I’m not sure.”

“You’d be trading with us. Though, I guess maybe you’re not supposed to trade with so-called monsters too.”

The woman bowed her head. Then she looked almost apologetic. “My boys said you asked about gold. A thousand gold? I’m sorry, but no matter what you had to sell, there isn’t that much gold in the whole of Dead End. Not even a hundred.” She paused. “Well, except for that rich brat.” She gave Kai a sympathetic look. “He’s an adventurer. He’s come to hunt in these woods.”

The younger boy exclaimed, “He stole our house. He tried to give us money. And when Pa didn’t want to sell it, he hurt Pa. Broke his leg. Then kicked us all out.”

The older boy enthusiastically added, “He’s dangerous. He said he’s gonna kill all the monsters around here so he can level up.”

Kai’s stomach sank at that news. Things were about to get more dangerous. “I appreciate the warning. We’ll be careful.”

The woman fiddled with the cleaver. She glanced at the village, then her sons. Finally, she seemed to come to a conclusion and looked Kai in the eye. “There’s a city not far from here. Few days walk. We’re, the people from Dead End, we’re not allowed to go there. But people do come out of the city. We have contacts. Might be if we had something to sell, we could sell it there. And there’s as much gold as you want in the city. Lots of people, lots of rich folk too.”

Kai’s spirits lifted. “So you’d be willing to be our secret go-between?”

She licked her lips. “Won’t do it free, you understand.”

“Twenty percent commission?”

She looked surprised. Then gratified. “Well, yes. I think that’s fair. Though, if it turns out we’re taking an even bigger risk than I think, that might go up, you understand. Not trying to cheat you, just that things are very dangerous for us here.”

Kai smiled, making sure to hide his teeth. “Ma’am, you seem trustworthy. I can tell because your boys both seem good too.” He meant it.

All three straightened a little at that and looked a little prouder. Even if the compliment was coming from a monster, these were poor, desperate folk just trying to survive and do their best in a world that seemed determined to keep them down. It felt good to be recognized. These people also needed the money, especially now that the father had been hurt and they’d lost a home. That was probably why they were here now, willing to take a crazy risk. And maybe some of that was defiance, trading with the enemy was a way to get back at the kingdom that had pushed them out here and made things hard for them.

She suddenly asked, “What’s your name?”

“Kai. And yours?”

“Magdelene.” She gestured behind her. “My boys, Edgar and Civant.”

“A pleasure to meet you.”

The mother mulled things over a minute longer. Then she shoved the cleaver in her apron pocket. “Can’t believe I’m really doing this.” Taking a breath, she strode forward, bent down and offered her hand. “A pleasure to meet you too, Kai.”

He grinned and reached back. Unfortunately, he forgot to hide his teeth this time. And his fingers had claws.