Peek-a-boo, You're so Cute!

KAI

Kai was excited! He was enlivened, exuberant, adrenalized, and, would you believe it, downright pumped. To be anything more, he’d need a thesaurus. He gushed out loud, “I can’t believe it. We actually made contact with people, and they were willing to talk to us. In fact, they’re willing to trade. This is awesome!” He couldn’t keep himself contained, despite the fact that they really should be keeping a low profile in the forest. They were still near the human village, just out of sight. The human family had already returned to Dead End.

Rocky asked Rush something in koboldian or koboldenese, whatever you wanted to call their hissing, growling, clicking of tongues. Rush answered, explaining.

Kai rubbed his hands together. “Money money money. I hate money. I never have enough. But I love being able to pay bills and buy food. Ok. We just need to find some elves and ask them if they have anything to trade. And start thinking of things we can sell ourselves. Maybe woven baskets? Would they want handcrafted baskets? And beds or pillows? Maybe we could start a dungeon etsy or a kobold store.”

Rush asked, “Etsy?”

Kai rambled on, his mind alive with ideas now that he’d gotten a boost of hope, “Nah, won’t work. No internet here. And would people come to the dungeon to shop? There’s all those monsters around. Plus, the traps and stuff would kill shoppers. That’s bad for business, probably. Unless we make it a theme! Danger shopping! Tired of trudging behind your wife and carrying her bags as she wanders from one store to the next for hours on end of shopping mall hell? No more! Shop the Dungeon Mall of Horrors. Leap pit traps between stores. Dodge murderous monsters as you browse our handcrafted delights. Up your poison detection skills while eating from our international food court. You’re not just supporting local producers and buying organic goods; the very experience of shopping will level you up. If your children survive, they’ll have the time of their lives. You’ll spend so much time rescuing your wife from danger that she’ll be extremely grateful, and we have rooms you can rent by the hour so that she can express that. Physically.”

The kobolds looked at him in complete confusion.

Kai blinked at them. “Yeah, yeah, you’re right. That’s more a long-term plan. Maybe we need, like, a public storefront outside the dungeon entrance, like how theme parks always put gift shops near the entrance and after rides. We could, like, sell them potions or food on their way in, and if they had a good time and aren’t all dead, we could sell bandages and souvenirs on the way out. Is that weird? That’s not weird, right?”

Rocky blankly looked between Kai and Rush. “Soup-in-here?”

Kai shook his head. “No, no. Still too grand.” He smacked a fist into his palm. “Gotta think short term. How do we make money really fast? We need something valuable we can give to that woman so she can sell it in the city. I hope the elves have something. Should we look for the elves now? Where are they?”

Rush shrugged. He pointed in a vague direction. “There?”

“Are they far?”

Rush shrugged again. “Maybe? Don’t know.”

“So we’ll have to go look for them. In the dangerous wilderness. Hmm. How’d you meet them before?”

Rocky caught on and was enthusiastic to join in, “Elves. Come to us. Trade!”

Kai ruminated, “Ah. But probably aren’t going to come to us right now ‘cause they don’t know about us. Yet. So we need to find them and tell them we’re building a smuggling hub and plan to secretly fence their goods in the human city. We’re forest pirates! I love pirates. We need a skull flag for the dungeon. I gotta talk to your mom about that later.”

Rocky pointed in the direction Rush had. “Elves? Now?”

Rush looked thoughtful, then shook his head. He said something to Rocky, then explained to Kai. “Go back. Elves big travel. Now bad.”

They decided to return to the dungeon. Kai, however, still buzzed with excitement.

“Hey, what kind of elves are they? Are they little elves like our size or human-sized elves?”

Rush thought about it. “Three kobolds tall? Two?”

Kai’s face broke out in wonder as he gave his imagination free rein. “What do they look like? Are they wild wood elves dressed in leather and feathers, or really arrogant ones in silver and gold with magical everything? Do they live for thousands of years? Do all elves have long hair? Do you think elves poop? In stories, they usually seem really uptight. I can’t even picture an elf going to the bathroom. It’s too weird. Like maybe they’re so magical they evolved beyond it.”

Rush’s eyes warily swept the forest. “Elves poop? Why?”

“Just curious. Sometimes, weird thoughts pop into my head. Sometimes, I’m not fast enough to stop myself from saying them out loud. Which is how that line about elves and poop came out. It’s like, when you’re young, women are just too classy and beautiful and perfect, you just can’t imagine them ever doing something like using a toilet.”

Rush gave him an odd look. “Girls poop. Smelly too.”

Kai nodded. “Yeah. But even the hot ones? Can’t picture it. And why do they go to the bathroom in groups of five, all chatting away and excited? Is it because, for some reason, women like going to the bathroom together, or like it’s so challenging they need moral support, like you’re giving birth to little smelly babies? Like one holds the other one’s hair and cheers her on. Ahhh! Just one more push, Anne. One more push, it’s almost out. Ahhh! That’s it puuusshh! Splash.”

Rocky rubbed his chin, deep in thought, and sagely added, “Hard poo. Drink water.”

Kai returned to thinking about elves. “I wonder if they’re more kind and helpful like Marielle from Log Horizon, or quiet and shy like Ryuu in Dan Machi, or super badass like Frieren, who just gives you the chills. Oh, man, that series was really good. So much more mature than most anime. It sucks I’m never going to see if another season comes out.” He pondered quietly for a while. Mostly about elven bust size, but he wisely kept that to himself. The others already thought him strange enough after the nun incident.

The trio continued on their way for a while in relative silence. Kai found himself mentally distracted with thoughts of the future and worries of the dungeon, and gradually trailed the two kobolds, who were quietly whispering in their own language as they led the way home.

So when a little hoo-hoo sound came from a patch of tall weeds, boulders, and sticks, they didn’t notice when Kai’s curiosity drew him to the source of the sound. He tentatively edged his way into the little thicket, spreading the vegetation just enough to get a look beyond.

“Hoo hoo!”

Kai gasped. “You are adorable!”

The interior of the thicket was dense with half-dead weeds and branches. A little ball of golden brown fur and feathers was rocking back and forth, all tangled up and stuck in a vine. The creature had huge, gold and brown eyes, a yellow beak, and tiny little claws. It cried out again in fear, “Hoo hoo!”

Assuming it was a baby of some kind, Kai was wise enough to have a quick look around. He checked the trees above for nests. Was this a baby that had fallen while trying to fly? Maybe a griffon baby? Eagle monster? No other animals seemed to be around. He looked down at the thing. “Aw. How’d you get stuck in here all by yourself, huh? Where’s your momma? I hope she didn’t abandon you.” Pushing into the cramped place, Kai made soothing sounds and gently snapped the vine-like weeds so he could pull them off, then carefully extracted the baby from the hole it was in. He cradled the creature to his chest, which was challenging because it was half the size of Kai. Thankfully, it was very light, like birds are.

The baby quieted in Kai’s arms. It stared up with the cutest and most innocent eyes ever. “Hoo?”

“Aw. You’re so cute. Yes, you are! Who’s the cutest monster baby ever, hmm? You are. That’s right. You are. No, I don’t know why I’m talking in a stupid baby voice. No, I don’t.”

The creature giggled. Or burped. It was difficult to tell.

With an exaggerated motion, Kai closed his eyes, then suddenly opened them. “Peek-a-boo!” He did it again. “Peek-a-boo!”

The baby seemed to laugh. It waved its wing-like arms at Kai, reaching out for him. When Kai lowered his head, the baby took one fan-like gremlin ear in each hand and tugged.

“Yeah, I got big ears now, huh? This body is very, very strange. I’m not nearly as cute as you are. Later, we’re going to go see elves. They have big ears too. Maybe they’ll like me because of my ears. What do you think? Or maybe they like your cute little ears instead?”

Sounding anxious, Rush’s voice called from outside the patch of weeds and stone, “Hey. What do?”

Kai pushed his way outside and rejoined the others in the forest. “Hey. Look who I rescued? Isn’t he the cutest?” He held up the baby cradled in his arms.

Rush and Rocky looked at it in confusion. Then, four dragonic eyes slowly widened in realization.

Rush waved for Kai to put the baby down. “No. Is bad. We go. Leave!”

Kai frowned. “What? I think it fell out of a nest or something. We can’t just leave a baby lying around. Something will come along and eat it. We should find the nest.”

Rocky fearfully shook his head. He pointed at the mess of vegetation and rocks. “Nest!”

Kai looked at it with skepticism. “Nest? That’s a nest? It doesn’t look like a nest. What kind of bird lives there?”

Both kobolds switched their focus to something behind Kai. They screamed in unison.

Kai was jolted, thinking they were screaming at him. Then he noticed they were focused elsewhere. He turned.

Lumbering toward them was an all too familiar shape, arms out and claws extended.

Kai cocked his head. Then he looked down. Then up. Then down. The resemblance slooowly clicked into place. “Oh. Owl bear baby.”

The momma owl bear screeched at them, then roared. It was getting closer. Fairly quickly.

Kai half-turned in the other direction. “Uh, guys, I think we should—”

The other two were already running away.

Kai quickly raced after them, little legs churning and burning. As Rocky was slower, he soon caught up to them.

Rush glanced over, then did a double-take. “Why bring baby?”

“I don’t know! I just reacted!”

“Drop baby!”

“I can’t!”

“Drop baby now!”

“My arms are locked up in fear!”

“No more baby!”

“If I drop it, it could get hurt!”

“Give to mother!”

“I’m too scared to slow down!”

The mother roared.

The baby giggled.

The trio ran faster.

In his fear-struck brain, Kai gradually realized the mother would stop chasing if he got rid of the baby. “Sorry, little guy. You gotta go.” He slowed and tried to place the baby down. He tried not to pay too close attention the how close the raging mother trying to rescue her baby was getting.

The baby decided it did not want to let go. It hooted and turned in Kai’s arms, hugging Kai around the neck.

Kai panicked even more. “No. Nonono! Let go! You have to go!” He pushed at the ball of fur and feathers.

The baby clung tighter. Those claws hurt!

Kai yelped.

The mother roared.

“Yaahhh!” Kai took off again in a sprint.

Rush had one hand on Rocky’s back as they pelted through the forest. He did another double-take at Kai. “Drop baby!”

“It won’t let go!”

“Drop baby now!!”

“I’m trying! It’s stuck!”

“No run with us!”

“Whaddya mean don’t run with you?”

“You that way!” Rush pointed another direction. “Take mother!”

“What? Why?” Kai certainly didn’t want to be alone with the mother. There was just nothing romantic at all about this situation.

“Rocky slow!”

“Ohh! Got it!” Kai peeled away from the other two, glancing over his shoulder to make sure the mother was following him. “Yep. It worked! Crap.” He ran harder. But the baby was doing more than hugging, giggling and climbing up onto his face, claws scratching. “No. Stop. Get…off!” He pushed and pulled, trying to get the tenacious thing off his face. “Arg!”

The baby clamped both hands on his delicate ears.

“Gah! Stop that!” The baby got up over his face and completely obscured his vision. “Ah! Whatareyoudoing?We’reallgonnadie!”

“Hoo! Hoo!”

Momma screeched!

Kai growled and pulled as hard as he dared on the baby. He certainly didn’t want to hurt it. With a cry of pain, he managed to tear it from his ears. “Gah! That hurt!”

“Hoo hoo!” The baby owl bear tried to bounce up and down and clap, evidently having the time of its life.

Kai was finally free to put the baby down. He glanced over his shoulder.

The mother took a swipe at his head.

Kai ducked. He zigged left, a feint, then zagged right.

The mother roared and became a step further behind.

Kai saw movement out of the corner of his eye. He looked over and watched Rocky and Rush vanish into the dungeon. They were safe. Then Kai had a brilliant idea! Digging his toes in to get more speed, he tucked the baby under his arm like a giant, stuffed football plushie. His path arced toward the dungeon entrance. He could hear the mother plodding along behind, wheezing and screeching from the effort, but refusing to give up. Owl bears probably weren’t meant to run like this, but there was no way she was going to let anyone or anything take her child away from her. Monster mom of the year!

The baby seemed confused by this new carrying method, “Hoo?”

Kai bellowed at the dungeon entrance, “If anyone’s in there, clear the way! Clear the way!” He sprinted into the cave. Thankfully, the small entrance to the cave forced the pursuing mother to slow. Kai got into the first-floor room, threw open the door to the Admin Room, and raced inside.

The invisible barrier refused to allow the baby through because it wasn’t an administrator. It ran head-first into the barrier and fell to the floor with a surprised hoot.

Kai skidded to a halt and looked back, anxious. “Oh no!” He wanted to turn the traps off for the incoming mother, but there was no time. He shot back out of the room and picked up the baby.

The baby murmured, confused, then let out a chirp.

The mother squeezed into the mouth of the cave.

The baby began to cry, then it wailed in a thin, pitiful screech.

If at all possible, the mother looked at Kai with even more hatred. He had to be the most evil person in the world right then.

“Oh. I’m the villain!” Feeling awful, baby in his arms once more, he could only hope for the best. His eyes darted to the pit trap in the floor. He felt a stab of guilt, then he ran to the stairs, shouting, “Everyone run! Into the private rooms! Move move move!” He didn’t want any of the kobolds becoming collateral damage from this insane plan.

The mother tripped the pit trap. The door opened. She fell forward.

Kai’s stomach dropped. He closed his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see her death.

But she didn’t die. She reached across as she fell, caught herself, and because she was a little too big for the trap, she managed to haul herself past it.

Kai’s heart leaped. She’d survived!

The mother rose from the floor, snarling, and flexed her claws.

“Oh, right. Running for my life.” He dashed down the stairs, holding the loudly crying baby over his head. He slowed just enough to kick the pile of leaves off the bear trap at the bottom.

The mother slowed because of the stairs, her body not being a natural at using steps. Floor by floor, Kai stayed ahead of her, leading her deeper into the dungeon. There was evidence everywhere of the kobolds, but thankfully, they’d gone into hiding. Not that Kai needed to worry, because her focus was 120% on him. The baby continued to wail.

He approached the door to the fifth floor. This is where things were about to get even dicier.

The door that kept the owl bear inside automatically opened as he neared.

The owl bear previously captured stood right on the other side. Both paws and claws were up like it had been digging at the door. It froze in surprise, and large, round, golden eyes looked down at him over a nasty, sharp beak.