The Clock Starts Ticking

KAI

Kai was no longer alone in the Admin Room. A few paces away stood a figure, possibly a man, possibly a woman in a man’s body, possibly a cosmic being that was completely without gender but whose form accidentally resembled what Kai thought of as a stuck-up male. He was mostly human in appearance, though his proportions were odd. He was probably a little taller than the average human, and very slim except for a bulging pot belly below a narrow waist that looked like someone had shoved a basketball under his shirt. It was completely at odds with his knobbly knees and elbows, though it kind of matched his oversized bobble head. His pale, round face had jowls. His eyes sat behind huge, round spectacles, and were small and cruel, while his lips were twisted in a permanent sneer. He wore a severe, black, mandarin-style suit that looked cheap, and he carried a white, plastic clipboard. He was also badly balding. The entire front half of his head was as smooth as glass. He had a very thick head of black hair in the back, but it was obviously fighting a losing battle. In fact, the glare from the bald part was so bright, and just in the wrong spot under the room’s lighting, that it caused Kai to squint just looking at him.

Kai studied him up and down twice before exclaiming, “Who are you? And how’d you get in here?” He almost held a hand up to prevent the light off the bald head from blinding him, but worried it would be rude.

A frown joined the man’s contemptuous gaze. “Are you the administrator of this dungeon?”

Kai hesitantly answered, “…maybe?”

“I shall take that as a yes.” The unknown man held up a long-fingered hand and beckoned. “Seize him at once.”

From out of nowhere appeared two very muscly men in black rogue outfits and what looked like biker helmets with mirrored visors. One enforcer wielded a thief catcher, which was a long pole with a loop of metal rope at the end. It was designed to slip over an arm or leg or around a neck, and the more one struggled, the tighter it got. The other enforcer held out a set of manacles that were covered in glowing blue and green runes.

Kai was stunned at the sight of them. He’d thought he was the only one allowed in here. “Wait! Who the hell are you people? What’s going on?” He backed up a couple of steps, freaking out.

The second enforcer stopped. He looked at the manacles, then at Kai. Then he looked over at his partner. “Did you bring any smalls?” He held the manacles up. They had obviously been designed for someone human-sized. “I only brought these and larger.”

His partner shook his head. “The target is tiny. Just put one around his neck and the other his waist. They don’t have to be on his wrists or ankles. As long as we have two on him and locked, the seal will kick in.”

Kai threw his hands up, very much panicking. “Stop! There’s gotta be a mistake here. I haven’t done anything wrong.”

The one in charge rolled his beady little eyes. “Like I haven’t heard that before.”

Kai protested, “Don’t you have to read the charges off or something? Investigate? I swear, you’re making a mistake. I’m no criminal!”

The one in charge pointed a long, thin finger at the console behind Kai. “You’re in the Admin Room and using the interface. Obviously, you’re the one who stole this dungeon core and are now attempting to utilize it. Although how anyone could possibly think we wouldn’t be able to track down a core after it’s been initialized is the height of idiocy. Of course, we were going to catch you, thief.”

“I’m no thief! I bought this dungeon core! I paid for it, sorta.”

“You can’t fool me, thief.”

“I signed a magical contract!”

The one in charge studied Kai for three long seconds. Then he held up a finger. “Hold.”

The two enforcers came to a halt.

“Show me the contract.”

Kai grew nervous. “Well, I don’t have a copy.”

“Feeble lies—” The man took a half step forward.

The light off the shiny pate glared brighter than before, making Kai flinch before desperately protesting, “I’m not lying! I swear. I was just sitting in the forest one day, starving, no idea how I got here. It definitely wasn’t by choice. Then some guy comes up and knocks on the door to the cave and asks me if I wanted to buy a dungeon. I thought he was nuts, but he showed me all these cubes. And he offered me food. I was so hungry, I didn’t know or care what was going on so when he produced some fancy scroll of paper hanging in the air, I signed it and started stuffing my face, and when I looked up later, he was gone. The contract too. I swear, it’s the truth!”

The man raised his clipboard in one hand, a pen in the other, and began writing. “So you confess to the purchase of stolen goods.”

“What? No! I had no idea they were stolen.”

“You thought buying a dungeon core off some strange man in the woods was a legitimate purchase? A dungeon core?”

“I didn’t even know what a dungeon core was! I didn’t believe him when he explained it. I thought he was nuts. He didn’t even want any money. All I cared about was the food.”

“You expect me to believe that?”

Kai pleaded, “Dude, I’m not even from this world. How could I possibly know what a dungeon core was? I’d never even seen magic before.”

The man’s frown deepened. He snapped his fingers; it sounded like a small gunshot going off. Then he fired off a series of what sounded like skill names, “[Biological Analysis], [Space-Time Coordinates Check], [Quantum Code Breaker].” He went quiet and his vision relaxed as if he were staring off into the distance. His eyes twitched back and forth as they rapidly read something nobody else could see. After a while, his vision focused again. “I see. It appears part of your story is the truth; you are not from this planet, and have only recently arrived.” He seemed to find that very curious but said nothing more.

Kai sagged with relief. “Thank you! Yes. I’m telling the truth.”

“This does not absolve you of your guilt. You willingly purchased stolen property of incredible value.”

“But I had no idea it was stolen.”

“Ignorance does not excuse breaking the rules.”

“Come on! Be reasonable. I wouldn’t have bought it at all if I’d known it was stolen.” An idea struck him. Maybe there was a way to get out of this. “Wait. You want the real thief, right?”

One of the man’s brows rose. “Yeess...”

“I could describe him. Maybe draw a picture.”

“Very well. Proceed.”

“Uh-uh. No way. I want immunity or whatever first.”

“We are not police or some kind of government agency. We don’t grant immunity.”

“Sure you can. I’ll help you catch the jerk who sold me this thing, and you promise to not punish me for being a victim of someone else’s crime.”

The man barked a disbelieving laugh. “And I suppose you’d like me to leave you with the dungeon as well.”

“Uh…sure? I mean, I did sign a contract.” Kai had no idea what would happen if he lost control of the dungeon. He might be fine, but what would happen to the residents? Would they just kick the kobolds out or shut the dungeon down to reclaim the core and kill everything inside? Even if the residents were allowed to leave, where would the kobolds go? He’s promised them a home, and he wanted to keep that promise.

The man shook his head. “You never signed a contract with us.”

“Fair. Ok. But, um…” Kai tried to think fast, which wasn’t his strong suit. “You guys are some kind of business then? I mean, you make these dungeon cores and sell them or plant them or something? The sales guy mentioned something about making payments. Could I just pay you instead of him?”

This idea gave the man pause. He stared at Kai without blinking for some time, his fingers absently tapping his clipboard. Finally, he said, “If you did sign a magical contract, the terms are binding. The contract must be annulled or destroyed to cancel it.”

“Can you do that if you catch the guy?”

“If he is in possession of the contract, and thereby we come into possession of it. Perhaps.” The man became thoughtful. Then he walked over to the console. He directed Kai to show him various things in the system, which Kai was perfectly willing to do. After, he stepped away. “Very well. It appears that you are managing competently. First, you will provide me with an exactingly accurate description of the thief. Second, from this moment on, you will make payments to us as if you had officially and legitimately come into possession of this dungeon core. Starting immediately.”

“Wait, uh, what? I mean, thanks?” He nervously wrung his hands. “What kind of payments? I don’t have any money.” He tried to look up at the man as he spoke, but it was as if the stranger were standing right under a spotlight, and his bald forehead somehow caught the light and perfectly reflected it all into Kai’s eyes, making him squint worse than before.

The man waved the two enforcers off. Both backed away but remained visible and intimidating.

The man began writing inhumanly fast on his clipboard and spoke without looking. “You will submit monthly payments, beginning with the first of next month. Your initial deposit will be 100 gold, and subsequent payments will increase in accordance with the growth of the dungeon.”

“100 gold!” Kai was staggered. That seemed like a lot of money. To be fair, he had no idea how much a gold was worth in this world, but it sounded expensive. “Where am I going to get that kind of money? And I have to pay every month?”

“That’s your problem, and yes. I suggest you start aggressively monetizing the dungeon. If you fail to do so, and cannot satisfy your payment schedule, we will be back to apply the consequences. In full. Painfully.”

“Uh, great. Ok. Thanks, um…” Kai shook his head. He’d somehow survived being arrested, but now he was on the hook for money he didn’t have and with only a month to get it! Out of the frying pan and into the fire. “Sorry, you never mentioned your name.”

The man finished high-speed writing on his clipboard and leaned in Kai’s direction as he spoke, “I am Cornelius Fizzlesplooge, Delinquency and Recovery Department. Remember the name well.”

It had been hard enough as it was to look at the guy because of how shiny his head was, but as he leaned forward and more of the light caught it, Kai involuntarily winced and blinked.

Cornelius’s eyes narrowed in a way that boded nothing but ill to come. “What are you doing?”

“Sorry, what?”

Cornelius straightened, visibly offended. The man’s ire was rising. “What’s wrong? Multiple times, you have flinched at the sight of me. Am I so ugly you can’t even look at me?”

“What? I never said that.”

“I can see the way you’ve been looking at me this whole time, like the sight of me makes you uncomfortable.” He leaned forward again.

Kai barely kept himself from raising a hand to block the forehead glare, but squinted so hard his eyes watered. “That’s not true!”

Kai’s reaction was not missed, and Cornelius’s anger rose further. “And yet here you are, it’s so bad it makes you flinch away. Again!”

“That’s not what made me—!”

“No? Then tell me why the sight of me disturbs you so much. Is it because I’m so hideous that it pains you to look directly at me, or are you so filled with prejudice for someone of my kind that it’s unbearable to be in my presence?”

“You’re getting this all wrong!”

“The amount due is now 200!”

Kai’s eyes snapped wide open. “What? Wait a minute!”

“You object?

“Yes!”

“300!”

Kai began panicking all over again. “Stop! Stop it! I have nothing at all against you. I have absolutely no opinion on the way you look at all.”

Cornelius sharply inhaled. “Then it is racism. 500!”

It was going from bad to worse! Kai rushed to explain, “I’m not racist or speciesist or, or, whatever-ist. I’m not prejudiced at all! It’s just because of the way the light is reflecting off your head; it’s blinding.” He pointed at the ceiling.

Cornelius’s expression turned stony. He stared. Did that mean he was more or less angry?

Kai stared back, but was filled with nerves. He was going to owe 500 gold? Every month? That was outrageous! He had to find a way to apologize for the misunderstanding and talk the man back down. He blurted out an explanation, rambling, “Look, I’m sorry, ok? It’s the lighting in here, maybe the angle. I’m very short. It’s just that as you were standing there, the light was hitting your head a certain way and you’re bald and I don’t know if you wax it or something or you have some kind of alien super oil you put on it or something, I’m sure it’s very fashionable to ladies who love bald men or whatever, but we’re both standing in just the wrong spot and the glare hit my eyes and I flinched, ok? It’s just a lighting thing, I swear! I’m sorry.” Kai looked at the man, pleading with him to understand.

The man stared. After a long, awkward silence, he seemed to calm ever so slightly, though muscles in his face twitched like he was barely suppressing rage or possibly had things crawling around under his skin. “Very well. I shall choose to have faith in your character this once, and forgive you. Apology accepted.” He reached out a hand to shake, and because of their height difference, he bent at the waist and leaned down again.

Light flared off his bald pate like never before.

It stabbed Kai right in the eyes. “Ah!” He threw up his arm, painfully blinded and even backed up a step at the sudden onslaught. He rapidly blinked tears out of his eyes. Then he stopped, realizing with growing horror at how he’d just reacted. “Oh crap.” He tried to lower his arms and give the man an apologetic smile.

The man’s face twitched, flinched, and morphed into raw fury. He snapped his hand back and straightened. He roared, “The truth speaks for itself!”

“Wait!”

The man snarled and shouted, “You racist bigot! 1000 gold!”

“Noooo!”

An imperious finger shook as it pointed right at Kai, and the eyes behind the oversized spectacles blazed with hatred. “One month! You had better have the gold. Or else!”

“What if I don’t? What if I can’t pay?”

“Then no dungeon for you!” The man whirled, snapped his fingers, and an oval appeared in the air, filled with black and white noise like you saw on old TV sets in the 20^th century when they couldn’t get a signal. With a deep, “Hmph!” he strode through the portal on his skinny legs, quickly followed by the enforcers, and the portal snapped shut behind them with a sharp pop.

Silence filled the room.

Kai broke out of his shock and furiously raged at the empty space where the man had vanished. “Cueball! Chrome dome! Egg head! Got a bit of an insecurity complex, eh? Temper with a hair trigger? Couldn’t even hair me out? If you’re gonna polish it that much, it should come with a glare warning! If I had a candle and an island, I could guide ships at sea with that head!” He stood there, panting, his heart racing.

Fortunately, nobody was around to hear him lose it.

Kai fell to his knees, anger draining from him, replaced with despair. He clutched at his head. “1000 gold. I don’t have any gold. How the hairless bald man am I gonna come up with 1000 gold in a month?”