Doctor's Orders

It mattered that he was there. His hand on her thigh broke through the dancing spots of pain that pulsed throughout her body, despite only her hand being in contact with the tree, and that wailing baby that was worst of all; a sound that demanded attention. How could anyone turn from a babe in distress? Llew couldn’t. Even this one that she would never be able to hold, to soothe. That only added insult. Damned Braph.

Jonas’s touch gave her a connection to the here and now, tenuous as it may be in the onslaught. That he’d headed into the house and not the privy hadn’t been lost on Llew. Needing to go had obviously been a ruse, an excuse to run away from her pain. But he was back. He was with her now.

He said he would bear her pain alongside her. But how much energy would that cost him? How much more blood would he need from her to hear her suffering? It wasn’t just about protecting him from knowing all it was costing her. Pain shared, whether real or emotional, would only come back on her, making her have to bleed more, to touch the Ajnai more, receive the pain from the Taither tree, and the baby tangled up with it. And yet, in that sharing, her pain was ever so slightly lessened.

I am coming . We are coming . She hoped the thought would give the baby’s soul some respite. Perhaps it did, as a few minutes later, the wailing seemed to let up a little, though the child still sobbed.

Still the pain remained.

Rowan crouched beside her.

“We’ve got enough for another dose.” He eased the Gravinator’s needle from her arm. A final hum of power flowed through Llew and sealed the tiny hole. “Now might be a good time to stretch, take a moment to find comfort before we get back to it. The good thing about isolating the magic compound is that I think we can store it, so we could give some to Jonas tonight, take some more, purify that, let you sleep, and top Jonas up in the morning before you even have to be out here again.”

“What if I didn’t sleep?”

“I wouldn’t recommend that. People go all sorts of crazy without sleep. We’ve had a few round home. Given what you’re going through, you’re probably halfway there already.” Rowan grinned. “I wouldn’t blame you. It can happen to the best of us. Still, if you want a second informed opinion, ask Elka. I’m quite sure she would agree with me.”

“About me being halfway crazy? Or about the sleep?”

Rowan just smiled back at her.

“I suppose even Braph has to sleep. When he does, so will I.” Llew glanced between Rowan and Jonas, neither of whom looked pleased with her declaration, but neither did they have an argument against it.

“Karlani will need sleep, too,” Rowan said. “And I’m sure we don’t want to have to manage a sleep-deprived Syakaran, but I need her speed to spin out the blood while it’s fresh. Take a break now. It’ll be dinner soon. Then we can do another batch, maybe two, before we call it a night. I wouldn’t be comfortable pushing for more than that today.”

Llew nodded, despite the tiny flair of anxiety that arose at the thought of stopping while Braph pushed on, but it was enough to assure Rowan he could head back to supervise Karlani’s efforts with the butter churn. Centrifuge. Whatever.

Llew released her own arm from the sling keeping her hand pressed to the tree and selfishly reveled in the blessed silence, though both pain and screaming baby echoed throughout her body in ghost form. And she couldn’t shake the knowledge that Braph would keep working. Drilling the tree didn’t hurt him . Plus, he didn’t need the power in the sap just to live. A shaft of despair flared in Llew’s belly. She tried to breathe both the helplessness and hopelessness out of her. She couldn’t afford either. Jonas had to live and to do so he needed that tree, and they needed to fight past Braph to get to it. While that step seemed impossible, they simply couldn’t allow it to be.

She placed her hand down where Jonas’s still rested on her thigh, skin on skin, and smiled at him.

“You heard him. Time to stretch. Doctor’s orders.” Without moving his hand from beneath Llew’s, Jonas collected his crutch with his other hand, hooked it under his armpit, set it for leverage to stand, and they rose together.

Llew turned to Jonas and hugged him. “Thank you for coming back.”

He didn’t respond verbally, though she felt him tense briefly before saying. “I shouldn’t have left.”

She pulled back, framing his face with her hands, drawing and holding his gaze. “I hate to see you hurt, too. Hate that I can’t heal you with a touch like I can just about anyone else. It seems we are to endure through pain. At least I get to face it with you.”

“I wouldn’t be here without you and your resilience.”

“That’s right. I mean, what choice do you have?” Llew said it flippantly and let her hands slide to his shoulders. She knew what it felt like to be swept along the river of life, trying to grasp branches of real choice only to have them pull free and wash down with her. What choices had either of them really had in arriving just where they were?

“If it was just a choice between causin’ your sufferin’ or my death, I’d choose death every time,” Jonas said. “I used to think I was strong inside and out, but that was before I was put to the test, and I nearly failed you. I seem to keep promisin’ I’ll be better, then I go and let you down again.” He held her gaze, his eyes pleading earnestness, while the rest of his face frowned at himself.

Llew shrugged. “Maybe stop promising, then. You don’t need to prove anything to me. We can fail apart or together, and I know which I prefer. But I do need to pee, so please kiss me so I have something to smile about while I’m at the privy.”

At least now Jonas was smiling, too. He leaned in, pausing to speak before their lips met. “Between this and cussin’ me out with my trousers around my thighs, you’re my queen of seduction.”

“I am your captain .”

“Yes, ma’am.” His smile was broad and his eyes sparkled, knowing full well how she would react to that term.

Between Llew’s gasp and Jonas’s laughter, it wasn’t much of a kiss. He managed to touch his lips to her lower one while their audience watched in near silence, just a few titters reminding Llew they were there, and heating her cheeks.

Jonas’s empty hand came up to the back of Llew’s head and his eyes flicked from meeting her shocked gaze to a deliberate glance at her lips. She had asked, after all.

Despite the strong desire not to be a spectacle, she relaxed and let him pull her in and lightly brush their lips together.

Cheers and clapping erupted around them.

***

Llew returned from the privy to what she could only describe as a festive air. Where a fire had been lit several nights ago to keep her warm, tonight it was being built up into a bonfire, and everyone had gathered around to enjoy and augment a festive spirit for no other reason than to try to lighten her mood.

She stood in the ambiance for several minutes, accepting drink and snacks pushed at her by Karlani, and tried to feel it with them. But her eyes traveled between Jonas – also trying to absorb the well-meaning atmosphere, though Llew suspected he was as successful as she – and the leather slings swinging by the Ajnai. He needed her to stay there.

She had to admit, even knowing her own fate, she liked that she was surrounded by happy people. Well, maybe not Jonas. It was so rare to see him smile. But certainly Lyneth and Elka. Those two were wrapped in a bubble of joy, unaffected by the misery nearby. It wasn’t a matter of them not caring. Their mission was to lighten the mood, and they led by example. The non-Aenuk ex-soldiers – Garnoc, Edwyn, Eirian, Delwynn, Ivor, and Ianto – lingered nearby, with the Aenuks making their own side-group. She couldn’t deny it felt good to see Sam, Winnie, and Blink, in particular, enjoying life. Everything, anything, would be worth their number growing.

She ate some more then asked Garnoc to come and reconnect the Gravinator, and sat beneath the Ajnai. Jonas joined her.

“You should enjoy yourself,” she said. He had no need to be tied to an Ajnai, after all.

“I will. Right here.”

Despite her desire to protect him from the pain she had to endure, she was grateful to have him there.

Chatter and laughter carried on around them. Lyneth continued to try to encourage song, but there was only the single tune known to the group entire. Elka kept trying to teach some new songs, though she struggled to remember lyrics and had little talent for recalling or conveying melody. Now and then she beckoned Rowan when he happened past to help fill in the gaps. From what Llew could tell, he seemed to have the memory, but no ease in expressing anything tunefully. Music hadn’t much featured in Llew’s years on the street. She remembered pianos playing in the bars her father frequented, and the women in ruffled or barely-there dresses performing dances, the very occasional one leading a song. And sometimes one or a small group of musicians might entertain at a street side in the midst of a market day with an upturned hat on the ground. There was an unwritten rule never to pick from such performers, but their audience was easy pickings.

Llew’s body ached. She closed her eyes, overwhelmed by so much activity, content to listen, otherwise focused inwards, managing.

Jonas explained events whenever a particularly loud bout of laughter broke out. Someone had collected several relatively straight sticks and ex-soldiers rotated in and out of mock battles in groups of two to four fighters. Others had gathered rocks and marked out a target in the gravel. The odd-shaped rocks sometimes landed heavily while others bounced at unpredictable angles. Rules had been established and victories were declared and celebrated, then the game began anew.

Llew broke her contact with the Ajnai whenever Karlani arrived with another snack or drink, each return from the reprieve harder, but still necessary. She couldn’t tell if she was imagining that the points of pain had grown in number, if it meant Braph had ramped up his efforts attacking the tree, or if the Ajnais were trying to communicate their growing anguish the only way they knew how. The baby’s wails, though, they supported the most distressing of those options, and they tore at any attempts Llew made to build a mental wall against the pain. She simply could not ignore or block out that sound. It demanded her attention.

After an effort to soothe through deep breathing, Llew peered at Jonas. He faced forward, ostensibly watching the activity around them, but the set of his jaw and the flash of light off his eye ball suggested he was well aware of Llew’s struggles.

“Not so much fun, huh?” she quipped, then inhaled against a stab, trying to keep her reaction minimal.

Jonas looked at her. “Still here, ain’t I?” His smile and eyebrow lift were subtle enough to be barely perceptible. They almost transformed his carefully stoic facade.

Rowan came by to take some vials away and leave some more clean and empty ones to fill.

“We should have enough to dose Jonas for the night and at least one dose in reserve, soon. Then our next challenge will be how to make it portable. I know Braph makes the crystals, and we may be able to do that here, but I am keeping my mind open to other, possibly easier, options before we commit to that. Hoping for some spark of inspiration. I don’t know. No doubt Braph tried a range of options and the crystals won out, and I have to admit I have no idea how he actually draws the power from the crystal at that point. But if he never used a centrifuge, then there might still be other possibilities open to us. I’ll give myself tonight to dream of something and if nothing presents itself, I’ll work toward crystal-making and figuring out a contraption to allow you to access that power.” He lifted his bucket of vials. “We’ve got the injectable magic to keep you going at the farm, at least.”

Llew thanked him and watched him go, while her mind screamed over the injustice that Braph could continually build his stores of magic, whether blood crystals from his son or whatever he could do with the tree sap, while she had to increasingly redirect her magic from potential storage simply into keeping Jonas alive. But if Jonas didn’t live, the stores were useless. She glanced to where Karlani spoke with Lyneth and Elka. That was exactly why she couldn’t voice her concerns to Jonas. She knew what his response would be.

Her baby’s soul wailed and all Llew could do was hold that in, too … It wasn’t for Jonas to bear.

What can I do to make this better? How do I ease your suffering?

As she had tried to send the Taither Ajnai the idea of healing, Llew imagined herself as a mother, holding her baby already born. What would she do? She would cuddle it, shield it from Braph’s attacks. She would speak to it, assuring it everything would be fine. Assuring her … him … She didn’t know. They? She would—

She held her breath against a particularly strong spear of pain through her chest. The baby’s wails, at least, had eased, though they continued to whimper.

What shall I call you?

Her eye was drawn to Winifred … sometimes Fred, a name Llew had heard referring to men back in Cheer.

“Fred,” She murmured, and continued to glance around at their companions. “Sam.”

“Huh?” Jonas leaned in closer.

“Or Rowan. Rowan could just as easily be a woman’s name, couldn’t it?”

“I guess.” Jonas grimaced, not caught up with Llew’s line of thinking.

“We don’t know if they were boys or girls, so I think we need to pick names that could be either.”

Jonas’s features softened, understanding.

“I used to know a couple of Alexes. One of each,” he said.

“Alex,” Llew tried it for feel. “Alex and … We need a pair.” The baby remained quiet, occasionally drawing a shuddery gasping breath, but it was listening; its connection to the tree and the rest of the world giving it some level of comprehension beyond its age.

“Alva—”

“No.”

“Just Alva. But, yeah, too close. Uhm. Quinn, Finley, Frankie, Arden, Charlie.” Jonas smiled at her. “Between soldiers and—” He stopped, but Llew already filled in the blank. He would have had many women presented to him over the years. “Riley. Ellis. Robin. Emery. Morgan …”

“Quinn. I like that one,” Llew murmured and the baby in her head almost seemed to coo. “Quinn and … Riley … Emery. Quinn and Emery. Emery and Quinn.”

“Emery and Quinn,” Jonas murmured.

“Emery is gone. But Quinn still lives, somehow.”

Jonas studied her. “Emery was struck by Aris’s blade. Quinn was buried whole,” he said.

Llew nodded, and her guard slipped and another barrage of aches danced through her body. There was nothing to do but endure.

Eventually, their companions began excusing themselves for the night one-by-one.

Rowan brought a syringe of glowing magic to top Jonas up for the night.

“That looks painful,” Llew commented as Jonas managed his reaction to the injection of power.

“No it— It’s real good.” He cleared his throat. “Real good.” He never seemed able to meet her eye after these pure magic injections. Either he was lying or minimizing. She preferred the latter – she certainly didn’t wish more pain on him – and suspected she might be right. He’d said he feared what he might do to keep getting her magic should he ever be powerful enough again. A dull ache grew more intense in her hip.

“How about you retire for the night.”

Llew assumed Rowan was only talking to Jonas, but when she looked up he was looking at her.

“I’ll sleep when Braph sleeps.”

“Llew.” Jonas drew her attention. “How do you know he isn’t? We have no idea how delayed these messages are.”

“Yes we do. I had a conversation with my mother through them. This is now.” She flinched from a new pain, and schooled herself to hold steady. “He must still be drilling.”

“Taither is almost directly north of Duffirk, isn’t it?” Rowan asked.

Llew had no idea, and Jonas shrugged.

“What I mean is, I think they’re a little behind on the clock, meaning they’ll stay up later than us, but also wake later, as the sun will go down and come up later for them.”

Llew shook her head. “No. No, I can’t risk it. We have no idea how much power he’s extracting from the tree. And we have to travel somehow.”

An ache bored in beside her spine, as her anxiety spiked again. They were running a losing race. How could they possibly load Jonas up with more power than Braph and still have enough left over when they actually arrived in Taither? Despair tried to rise up in her again, and once more she pushed it down. They could fail. They could not give up. That wasn’t an option. But sleep had to be.

“I’ll fill those vials, then I’ll go to bed,” she conceded.

The men both looked relieved.

“You should go to bed, though,” she said to Jonas.

“I’ll survive stayin’ up for these last vials.”

Llew didn’t love the idea of him not resting immediately after his overnight dose, but they were as pig-headed as each other when it came to putting their well-being over and above enjoying each other’s company.

“A check on Jonas is part of the overnight watch schedule.” Rowan said. “I promise he’ll still be here in the morning. Besides, I really want to see what we can do with these magics. This is groundbreaking stuff.”

“At least someone is enjoying themselves.”