I Want You

“We need to name them. Our … babies.” Llew had thought the sentence over several times and thought she had her emotions under control, but no, her throat still thickened. “You know, for when we go back … to the tree.”

Jonas paused in buttoning his shirt. He cleared his throat. “Good idea.”

Llew nodded at him, but she could no longer speak. The way his eyes shone, she suspected he was right with her.

“Later,” she managed while brushing down the front of Merrid’s dress. She would rather a shirt and trousers, but there weren’t enough to go around.

“Later,” he agreed.

By the time they were dried, dressed, and met back up with Lyneth and Garnoc, the sun had lowered, setting off an orange and pink fire behind the blue-gray clouds, giving the entire landscape a heavy, moody feel.

“We need to take care rounding the hill,” Lyneth said as Llew and Jonas drew near. “Another troop has arrived. Negotiations were going well earlier, but they haven’t yet laid eyes on you, or …” She glanced at Jonas. “… him.”

“They know we’re here?” Llew asked.

Garnoc nodded. “Rowan and Sam were leading discussions. And they’ve seen Karlani bringing us updates. Oh, and she knocked a couple of them out when they first arrived. They surrendered pretty quick after that, and once they saw they were fighting their own. Sounds like they’re weighing up if it’s worth standing with us against the rest of the Turhmos army.”

“If they leave, can we trust them not to report our location?”

Garnoc shrugged.

“How many in this group?” Jonas’s voice held his usual hero-of-Quaver authority while fatigue had crept back into his eyes and stance. Llew hoped the negotiations concluded swiftly.

“Another twenty,” Lyneth said.

“Whatever their officers decide, we can’t expect twenty soldiers to all keep their mouths shut,” Jonas said. “And if they stay, that’s a lot of new mouths to feed.”

Llew turned to Jonas. “Both of those statements seem to be saying they’re too much of a nuisance to let live.”

Jonas shrugged. “How many little suckers you flattened to save a few hours itchin’ in your lifetime?”

Llew stared. A soldier he may be, but Jonas wasn’t that callus, surely. Besides …

“None. I just brush their bodies off.”

Jonas rolled his eyes and eased his stance. “I’m just sayin’, them showin’ up is bad news for us. We can talk to them, ask ’em to play nice, they can say yes, but I wouldn’t bank on trustin’ ’em.”

“How long before Turhmos figures out we’re here anyway?” Llew turned to Garnoc and Lyneth.

Garnoc shrugged. “There’s a chance our report might be missed already. I think we were due to report from the Hinden telegram office.”

Lyneth nodded her agreement. “Our senior officers were among those you couldn’t revive.”

“So this troop will have officers who know more of Turhmos and what’s expected of them?” Llew asked.

Garnoc and Lyneth both shrugged. “Best to assume so,” Garnoc said.

“Well, I guess we won’t know what we’re about to face until we face it.” Llew gestured for uniform-wearing Garnoc and Lyneth to lead the way.

They were granted several seconds to look down at those gathered by the Ajnai trees, still a couple hundred strides distant, before one of the new Turhmos soldiers noted them and alerted everyone else. Karlani firmed her position before the soldiers, a hand coming to rest on the handle of a knife she’d found. Alvaro stood beside her with his sword slung from his belt. Sam and Rowan motioned for calm. Most of the newcomers stood squarely and relaxed, hands behind their backs, unmoving and awaiting orders. Two had been speaking with Rowan and Sam.

From this distance, Llew couldn’t gauge how their appearance had been received. Certainly, Karlani and Alvaro had readied themselves in case things turned hostile, but the soldiers hadn’t obviously reacted.

Once again, she wished she had Jonas’s strength, speed, and near decade of training to rely on. She trusted it fully. All she had was Karlani; naturally gifted enough, but with only weeks of training, and only as a spectacle. The Turhmos soldiers wouldn’t know that, though. For all they knew, she was capable of bringing all twenty of them down alone. That might well be true. Karlani had proved herself reasonably well to date, and she wasn’t alone.

Llew was coming around to the idea she could trust the Syakaran woman. Still, she was Karlani. There would always be doubts while the risk of a better offer remained.

They continued down the slope as fast as Jonas could manage, losing sight of the soldiers as they dropped behind the stables and sheds, and eventually emerged from behind the homestead.

The twenty new strangers were more intimidating this close, despite all having dismounted, leaving their horses to wait patiently just inside the farm entrance. Llew drew on Jonas’s words You’re dangerous to pull herself taller and walk right up to Rowan and Sam, projecting confidence in her role of Captain seeking an update before engaging.

“They’re expected to report from Hinden in the next day or two.” Sam kept his voice low. “They haven’t decided what they’ll report. They haven’t turned this into a fight, yet, either.”

Llew held his gaze a few moments more while she churned through the possible outcomes here. As Jonas had pointed out, none of the options were perfect.

She flexed her – her touch her only weapon, that she hoped she wouldn’t need – and turned to face the leaders of the new group.

“Dying is one of the most unpleasant experiences I’ve ever had. I don’t recommend it. But I guess I’m lucky I’ve been able to do it …” She turned to Jonas. “Six?”

Jonas shrugged. “Dunno. Guess you did it a few times before I met you.”

“Actually, I think it all started just after. Maybe I should blame you.”

Jonas raised an eyebrow and Llew turned back to the officers, shrugging.

“Too many times.” She let the joviality slide from her. “If you start something here, you’ll get to do it once, and once only.” Llew kept her chin up and her gaze only shifting between the two leaders for reactions. I’m dangerous , and I owe no one the use of my power . “Did Sam and Rowan tell you about the Ajnais?” She gestured to the trees beside them and both officers turned to look. Several of the soldiers behind them looked, too. Llew didn’t. Neither did three of the soldiers; two men and one woman. She noted them. They wouldn’t be Aenuks. And she guessed they were too narrow-minded to be easily swayed from their mission on behalf of Turhmos. The thought crossed her mind that it would be much easier to kill them and be done with the worry. She quietened the thought swiftly, but didn’t discount it fully. No longer Llew-alone-on-the-banks-of-Cheer’s-Big-River, able to uproot herself and go on the run if necessary, she was a free Syaenuk in the heart of Turhmos with an injured and weak Jonas by her side. She had to harden.

One officer spoke. “He said you’d killed their entire troop, and brought eight back to life using the trees.” He kept his voice flat; summarizing the facts as he’d been told them, not asking, and not attaching opinion.

At his words, the rest of the soldiers faced forward. Llew noted the two last to pull their attention from the Ajnais. The two most likely to be Aenuks. Two likely allies. The rest she couldn’t guess. Soldiers for Turhmos, yes, but to what extent voluntary? How deep did their loyalty run?

“We have seeds we would like to give to your Aenuks that would allow them to grow an Ajnai anywhere they choose, and be able to offer their healing without killing anymore. Can you imagine that world?”

Both the soldiers Llew had marked for Aenuks locked their gazes on her. One eased back in his stance, as if withdrawing.

“I don’t know you.” Llew kept her focus on the officers for propriety’s sake, though she considered herself mostly speaking to the Aenuks in the group. “And I don’t know how much of the world you saw before Turhmos drafted you. I don’t know what you know about taking care of yourself. Perhaps the idea scares you.” Unsurprisingly, several of the soldiers scoffed at that. “But we have this farm. It belonged to friends of mine—”

“Yeah. We did that,” one of the officers stated, a smile lifting one side of his mouth.

Llew felt the same stabbing pain in her heart as when she’d first seen Merrid and Ard hanging. Her mouth went dry and her mind went blank.

Rowan stepped closer to her, placing himself a half step in front. Karlani, too, moved closer, but that just sent another shock of anxiety through Llew, memories of strong hands holding her down on a cold stone floor, a knife hovering, finding its target. She stepped back and came up against Jonas and found calm.

The officer who’d made the admission looked particularly smug.

“I can take them,” Karlani murmured.

“We were told you might show up here,” the officer continued. He glanced over his shoulder to the makeshift gallows by the farm entrance. “Didn’t expect you’d be presumptuous enough to settle, so we’ve been camped farther north, waiting. But you just tossed the bodies and stole their stuff.”

“You already took everything from them, and left their animals to suffer.” Llew found her voice through gritted teeth, though her ears rung. “Merrid and Ard would want me here because they were kind, loving people, and they knew my ma and helped my pa escape the Turhmos army. We can do the same for you.” She didn’t bother directing her attention to the officers anymore; spoke directly to the subordinates. With their admission, the officers were already dead to her. The thought gave her the briefest of pauses. Was she that person now? The one who called for someone’s death because they’d offended her? Because they’d followed orders? With hot anger coiling in her stomach, it seemed so. Still, she pushed forward with her initial plan to speak.

“Together, we can teach you how to live free of Turhmos. How to feed and clothe yourselves. How the Aenuks can provide healing without killing. From there, we can show Turhmos and the rest of the world how it can be done, how Aenuks with Ajnai trees can be a greater good with no need for cages. Aenuks can even heal Kara. We can show you how it’s done.”

The talkative officer’s gaze shifted to Jonas. A look filled with disdain.

And Llew responded without further thought. “Do it, Karlani.”

Almost immediately, she wanted to retract the words. But it was too late to do so, so all she could do was justify as best she could. Jonas was right: they were too many to feed. She did have a few minutes to bring them back if a second chance at life would change anything.

Her instinct was to turn and walk, no run, away and hide from the consequences of her words, but Jonas wouldn’t be able to join her and, she supposed, part of the responsibility of leadership was to face the outcomes of her commands. And so she watched as Karlani darted from one soldier to the other, first disabling and disarming if a killing blow wasn’t immediately an option, then coming back through to finish those still breathing. It took mere seconds. Eighteen blood stains spread from eighteen bodies. The two Aenuks had dropped weapons and held their hands up, and somewhere in the carnage, Karlani had recognized and respected the gesture, though she ended her frenzy standing between them, bloody knife in her hand adding dark spots to the coarse sand beneath her feet.

Llew released a breath. “Well …”

She didn’t want to believe this was who she was, but a moment’s hesitation might’ve been Jonas’s death. Eighteen lives for his one. He would balance the scales when he started freeing Aenuks.

Everyone stood for several more moments not speaking; the Aenuks still held their hands raised. Llew looked over the prone bodies, waiting for the urge to heal them to strike. It didn’t. She felt nothing.

Though no longer pressed into him, Llew was aware of Jonas behind her. As always, he was her pillar. She met the wide-eyed gazes of the new Aenuks. “Welcome. Sam will get you started.”

“Uhm. Sure.” Sam stepped forward and introduced himself to the Aenuks.

“I’ll sort the clean up, if you like. And …” Karlani glanced at the unsettled, saddled horses. “Then I’ll see if I can round up the horses that took off down the road. They usually don’t go too far.”

“Thanks.” Llew waved over her shoulder to Jonas. “Let’s get some more blood into you.” She turned to the trees, the ringing in her ears diminishing, her emotions flat.

“You did the right thing,” Jonas said, following.

“Maybe. I still hate it.” She reached a tree, rolled her sleeve and sat down, ready to wait out the next hour or so. Jonas sat a quarter rotation behind her against the same tree. Doing so carried more risk of Llew accidentally brushing against him when she wasn’t fully healed, but his closeness always felt better than any distance. “I guess I understand why you never pushed for a promotion.”

Jonas grunted. “Never even considered it. Aris had me convinced I needed his hand to steady me.”

“I need yours.” Llew turned her head to meet Jonas’s eye around the side of the tree.

He lifted a hand as though intending to offer it to her, but Delwynn had just pushed the needle into Llew’s other arm and Llew wouldn’t risk even that tiny healing from Jonas. She shook her head minutely and he lowered his hand.

“You don’t need me, Llew. I’m a nice to have.” He raised his one knee and rested one arm on it, leaving the other laid out ready to receive Llew’s blood. “Karlani can fight for you.”

Llew considered not justifying that with an answer, but she had one.

“That’s exactly why I need you. I need you because I want you. We’re in this together. Ow.” The needle pricks didn’t get any less painful.

“Sorry,” said Delwynn.

“It’s alright. I’m normally better at keeping it to myself.”

Jonas had fallen silent.

“I bleed for you, I hurt for you, I’d die for you if you needed me to. You do the same. And you tell me I’m not evil when I order twenty people killed, and some small part of me believes you. I need you because the alternatives are unbearable. Ow— why is that so much harder to ignore right now?”

“I think it’s because I’m interrupting your conversation,” Delwynn said apologetically. “Or it might be stress.”

“Hmm.” Llew’s attention was drawn back to another grizzly sight before them. Karlani made running dead bodies to the graveyard paddock look easy. So easy, everyone else just let her do it. Ianto, Edwyn and Rowan collected shovels and headed that way to begin digging dirt. Lyneth joined Elka in the kitchen as the evening rolled in and supplies dwindled. The two women were fast becoming friends.

And Llew sighed, kept her arm extended for the needle.