Let Me Go

Alone again, Llew stood watching Jonas. He didn’t look up, lost in his own darkness. Lacking soothing words, and in little mood to offer any, Llew moved to the door and cleared a wider path between that and the bed. Then she shoved things on the floor back to create a narrow semi-circle around what was to be the surgical table.

Elka’s reminder of their good fortune was as much for Llew as Jonas. They had been incredibly lucky to have evaded recapture and landed in Elka’s hands. That Jonas had to lose his foot – leg ! – was a small matter when they could just as easily have lost their freedom or lives by now.

With the bed cleared, she asked Jonas if he would like to lie down. He declined. Llew briefly considered taking the chair in which Elka had sat, but without knowing what she could say to him, sitting so close to, and facing Jonas felt like a recipe for discomfort on both their parts. So, she jumped up onto the bed and sat, legs swinging and hands lightly gripping the edge. The metal bed squeaked and hit the wall gently with each stride. Squeak , thud … squeak , thud .

The mattress was soft, which was lovely to sit on, but she wondered how Jonas would cope if he ended up lying on it for days on end. How long would he have to stay in bed after his surgery? Would it be like after Aris attacked her? Would they spend weeks here? Or could they get away in days? The longer they stayed, the more danger they were in, that was certain. And now Llew would have to look after Jonas while he was incapacitated. She hoped she could do as good a job as he had done for her back in Taither. His strength had allowed him to support her easily. Neither of them had that anymore. Llew had never had to nurse anyone before. Anything he’d needed from her she was always ready to give. She could do it again, with or without magic.

“Llew, please.” Jonas’s pleading tone suggested that the low noise she’d ignored moments before might have been him talking. “Stop.”

Oops. Had she voiced some of her fears? She’d spent so many years alone, talking to herself was just as natural as thinking. “What?” She slowed her swinging legs.

“Do you have any idea how temptin’ it is to add truth to what that sounds like?”

“What?” What on earth was he talking about? Squeak , thud . Squeak , thud . “Oh. Ha ha.” Now she got it. She swung her legs with deliberation, and a little more omph . Thud . “Quite tempting, I imagine.” Pondering the activity that might usually evoke such sounds set her own loins warming to the idea. Skin-on-skin. A moment of abandonment from their worries. Folded in Jonas’s heat … mmm .

Jonas turned his head, his profile half hidden by his long hair. She still had no idea how Braph had done that; it had barely covered his ears a couple of weeks ago. She did, however, know exactly how Braph had given Jonas the new bump halfway down his nose. The profile altered forever. It didn’t affect how she felt about it. She would brush his hair aside and kiss that nose gently. She nibbled her lower lip, let her thighs relax. He was probably getting an eyeful.

Indeed, he looked at her out the corner of his eye, the corner of his lips raised ever so subtly.

Llew let her legs keep swinging. Tempted, was he? So, why was he still sitting there? Of course, he still had a sore leg. Maybe he couldn’t. She almost felt bad for teasing him, then she remembered that kiss. So out of character for him. But he’d been out of sorts since that day at the farm when he’d admitted his failing strength. Where was his head at right now? Squeak , thud . Tormented, was he?

“I’m still a man, Llew.”

“I know,” she scoffed. She’d never said any different. And why would she think otherwise? No matter what he thought, he was still Jonas, even without his Syakaran power, even without his leg. Oh … Now even that kiss made some sense.

“Is that what this is about? You needing to prove you’re still a man? You don’t need to prove it to me. Do you need to make some sort of show of proof to yourself?”

“Go on, then.” Llew hitched the blanket, showing a little more leg, even as she pulled the edge across her body, ensuring she was covered.

He half turned again, eyebrow raised.

“Show me what a man you are.”

Any hint of humor left his face though and he turned away.

Squeak, thud . Squeak, thud .

He turned away again, his shoulders deflating. Maybe she should’ve let it go. That ‘kiss’ – for what it was – had upset her, but she should probably let it go for now. Something to discuss later. After—

Squeak , thud .

Thud . Jonas’s foot slid from its book-pile rest, dragging the top couple of books with it with their own dulled thuds. Jonas sucked air through his teeth and hunched over his leg. Llew stopped swinging her legs.

Jonas dragged his dying foot under him, rocked forward, stood, turned. The blanket fell from his shoulders. He held the other before him, scooped it around himself like a skirt, and held it with one hand while he balanced himself off the chair with the other.

He looked her up and down, then met her gaze as he took another moment to lean on his vacated chair and breathe through pain.

Standing there, naked but for the towel at his waist, he shrugged his shoulders and displayed himself as best he could, still clutching the chair and towel. “Is this what you want?” he asked, a self-deprecating twist to his lips.

Llew swallowed. She’d spoken on impulse. It was just another case of him having a need and her being ready to fulfill. Well, mostly it was her being brash. But was it what she wanted? Did it matter? Kynas had pushed, pleaded, and coerced until she’d given in and let him in. He wouldn’t have accepted a ‘no’. It hadn’t been a choice to let him touch her. Braph never even asked. If she said ‘no’ now, Jonas would sit down again and they would remain in silence while he churned over whatever thoughts filled his head. She could say ‘no’ to Jonas. But she didn’t want to. If it was what he needed to ensure he was in the right head-space for the surgery …

No time like the present, then.

She nodded, but Jonas had already read into her hesitation, he paused, giving her a dubious look.

“Are you sure?”

Oh . Llew closed her eyes, smiled. “I think that’s the sexiest thing anyone has ever said to me. Say that again.” She opened her eyes to see his response.

He smiled that quirky smile she liked so much and took a step. “Are you sure?”

“Mmm.” She savored the warm glow his words sent through her with a long blink. “Say it again.”

He winced as his injured leg took his weight, but managed to turn it into a kind of swagger. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.” Llew let her thighs relax fully so he could step between them, bunching her blanket to her hips.

Jonas’s eyes shifted over her face, and Llew found herself smiling. Whatever this was going to be, it was theirs; Jonas and Llew’s.

Simply entering the room had stirred up the gathered dust, and Llew’s efforts to clear some space had only added to it. Mingled with the dust was the odor of damp clothing, wet hair, road dirt, and even some forest undergrowth. Underneath it all, were their own natural aromas. Her own, Llew didn’t like much, but in Jonas’s, as always, she found a certain comfort and strength.

She hardly had time to appreciate his musculature beneath the black gryphon tattoo before he gripped her head again, leaned in and pulled her to him, engulfing her bottom lip between his hungrily, then sucking gently, and pulling back tenderly, looking her in the eyes.

Llew swallowed. That was quite the improvement.

His blanket fell as he brought his second hand up to cup her jaw and tasted her again. Then he pulled her hips closer to the edge of the bed. He held her gaze as he guided himself into her, and Llew welcomed him, placing a hand on his buttock, and the gryphon’s tail. He reached past her to grip the wall side of the bed, forcing Llew to lean back. She wrapped her arms around him, pressing their torsos together, savoring his heat.

He was so fragile.

Almost any other man, Llew would’ve healed the moment she’d brushed up against him. But not Jonas. Not any Karan, no, but Jonas was the one that mattered.

She couldn’t save his leg, couldn’t remove it for him, couldn’t immediately heal it for him when it was gone. Couldn’t guarantee his safe passage from Turhmos. Nor Quaver’s continued acceptance and adoration when he returned a powerless cripple. All she could do was love him.

He pressed his head to hers. The memory of Braph doing the same sent a chill through Llew. She glanced down at the gryphon head on his chest. Only Jonas wore that.

“You know they could probably hear the bed hitting the wall downstairs, don’t you?” Jonas murmured beside her ear.

“Can they?”

“This is a wooden, two story home. Sound travels easily through wood.”

Llew hadn’t known that. Oops. She chuckled nervously. As at Merrid and Ard’s, she didn’t want to upset their hosts, but surely they would be forgiven, under the circumstances. She hoped they would find it funny. She could live with that. And hopefully Elka’s grandfather was deaf.

Jonas growled through gritted teeth. Cursing his pain? He was so deft at keeping it to himself, Llew had no measure of what he was dealing with. Whatever he was going through, he didn’t let it deter him.

He pulled back enough to meet her gaze again, and he was with her again, really with her; back from whatever he’d been sunk in since they arrived. Llew tried to kiss him, but the pleasure was building too much to close her mouth on her panting. She clutched tighter to him, bringing their heads side-by-side again. Jonas swore.

It was a release Llew hadn’t realized she’d wanted. But after weeks of heartache, sorrow, fear, and failure, the simple joy of being skin-to-skin in relative safety and comfort brought a rush of its very own. Since she’d told Jonas she loved him, they’d barely been able to touch each other, let alone be together like this.

Sated, they fell in a twisted heap across the bed. Jonas kept kissing her, all over the side of her face and down her neck. Llew’s skin tingled pleasantly beneath his touches as their breathing settled. He pulled her blanket up her body so she was less exposed. Unnecessary as it was, she appreciated the gesture.

He pushed himself up on an elbow and leaned to kiss her lips. “I love you,” he said in a low voice.

“Yes,” she said.

Jonas chuckled as he nuzzled behind her ear, kissed her again, and let his fingertips trail the edge of her blanket, where it followed the shape of her breast beneath.

“My answer is yes.” Llew craned her head back to look at him, as well as forcing him to stop kissing her and listen. He’d asked her to marry him at Merrid and Ard’s, but Llew had been taken so by surprise she hadn’t even been sure he was serious. “I never really answered you. Mainly because I never planned on getting married … to anyone. But we could, couldn’t we? Maybe when we get back to Rakun. ’Cause I’ll always have your back …”

“And I’ll always have yours,” he murmured.

“And it would just be nice to say to the world that whatever we’re doing, we’re in it together, right? And you said things were always easier if you knew you had a soft place to land. And Elka said you’ve got to go into this thing with a plan to survive, and I don’t want you going into it with anything else. And … I don’t know. I feel like there are a million reasons to do it, but I can only name a few.”

They watched each other, eyes flicking across the other’s face. Llew didn’t know what Jonas was seeking, but she was after some sort of assurance. Sure, it had been him who asked her to marry him and her answer to give, but it had been so long since he’d asked, and so much had happened, maybe he didn’t think it was a good idea now.

“You know how to light up the dark, don’t you?” Jonas’s mouth crooked up at one corner, and his eyes sparkled like they hadn’t since before they’d left Merrid and Ard’s farm; since before he’d lost his powers. She was almost sure it wasn’t the fever this time.

Llew smiled back.

Elka’s telltale stilted clamber sounded from the stairs, accompanied by an echo of someone matching pace with her.