Say It Again

When a hand gripped Llew’s shoulder, she awoke with a start. She had her back to the bedroom doorway, facing Jonas. Or would have been, had he still been in the bed. A moment of panic took her, but she limited her reaction to one shallow intake of breath.

She turned her head to find Sam leaning over her. His apologetic grimace that seemed more tense than necessary didn’t fill her with confidence. Her breathing remained shallow while she listened for things to worry about.

“Jonas is fine. Well—” Sam shrugged. “He’s a bit flat. Needs your blood.” That grimace returned.

Llew hadn’t had enough sleep. Her head felt groggy. Didn’t matter. She clambered off the bed, glanced at the still wet and muddy trousers and shirt she’d abandoned on the floor and headed outside in her shift.

Jonas hadn’t bothered to fit his prosthetic, and had the lower half of his trouser leg tied up the back of his thigh with a leather thong. He looked exhausted, his shoulders hunched, his eyelids drooping. Llew raised her eyebrows at Sam.

“We wanted to let you sleep as long as possible.”

A fair balance, perhaps. Jonas was alive, and she felt better for the sleep. Still, she hated to see him so drained of energy. He was barely making it through the night now. Neither of them could afford a full night’s sleep anymore.

She centered herself with a breath, finding her calm.

She sat beside Jonas and presented her arm yet again.

Around them, everyone settled into jobs. Lunch was prepared, animals were checked, laundry hung from a line, and more washed. Even Karlani and Alvaro were each engaged in helpful work. Llew hadn’t dared think she might see such a thing. It seemed healing Karlani had been the right thing to do.

With Jonas so depleted, it took eight syringes of Llew’s blood for him to perk up. They kept going.

Karlani brought lunch to them. Jonas had eaten breakfast, but it hadn’t been enough to halt his decline. Llew’s blood plus lunch saw him brighten. He turned his thin-lipped expression to Llew as Delwynn pulled the plunger on another syringeful and Llew waved him off with her free hand before he could speak.

“Don’t apologize. You know this is as much for me as for you.”

“Thanks.” His lips lifted into a reluctant smiled. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Llew beamed back at him, something about speaking the words making them all the more real.

Karlani crouched by them to collect their empty plates. “You two are sickly sweet, aren’t you?” She smiled from one to the other, completely guileless. “Truly, though, you deserve it. It’s nice to see.”

Llew could hardly believe what she was hearing.

“I know.” Karlani stood back from them, balancing the plates against one hip. “Last night, you gave me the opportunity to look back on my life and how I ended up here. I spent the last few years believing anyone who told me I was the future, but—” She gestured at a couple of Turhmos soldiers engaged in their tasks. “You’re the one setting new things in motion. Better things. All I was going to do was support the status quo.” She shrugged. “I wasn’t really after a name for myself, just the comfort that came with knowing I’d be looked after. I didn’t come to Quaver to fight for Jonas’s hand. I was told he was a path to the life I wanted. And, heck, it’s nice to feel special while we’re at it, huh? But I never needed special. It was just a carrot I thought I wanted. Anyway, there’s still a chance I can make the life I wanted, or figure out something new. And that’s thanks to you. So … I’m sorry for the parts I’ve played that have spoiled yours. And I hope it’s not much to ask to be able to help you build your new life. Like, uh—” She shifted the plates to her other hip. “That swimming hole is real nice. Maybe I can make sure no one interrupts you while you take a break. But I can be available, if you, you know, need Syakaran strength for help … or anything.” She took a step back, but seemed reluctant to leave just yet.

“Thanks,” Llew responded, imagining Karlani standing guard while she and Jonas bathed together. The thought failed to delight. “We’ll let you know.”

Karlani smiled again, and headed off to the kitchen.

One thing Karlani had right: they did need to bathe. While daily bathing might not have been the norm, Llew had been accustomed to doing so while living on the shores of Big River back in Cheer, and was growing increasingly aware of time passing since she’d given herself a good scrub at Raena’s home. Jonas had only been afforded a damp cloth. While they had relative privacy at the swimming hole over the hill from the homestead, they should use it. Mmm. Even the recollection of sinking into a tub of hot water gave Llew a sense of calm and well-being. She had been lucky enough to experience several warm baths now. Oh. A shudder ran through her. One of them had been at Braph’s house. Damn it. Absent that setting, she still craved the enveloping heat. Being able to have one here at the farm would be luscious. But the homestead was now a hub of people coming and going. There would be no moment of peace found there. The days were mild enough, and growing warmer, that the stream would do just fine. Alvaro and Karlani had enjoyed it well enough.

Llew didn’t want to think about that, either.

Delwynn continued transferring syringefuls of Llew’s blood to Jonas for another couple of hours. Karlani took it upon herself to deliver a plate of scones and a cup of water to each of them as the day’s heat reached its peak around mid-afternoon. Elka and Lyneth returned from the stream clad only in clean cotton chemises, their hair still dripping. Despite Elka’s clear discomfort from walking the uneven ground in her leg brace, she shared a laugh with Lyneth as they both eased themselves to sit on the porch and attacked their sodden locks with dry towels.

Karlani stood near Llew, doing her best be be unobtrusive, but her presence was impossible to ignore.

Eventually, Jonas reported that Llew’s blood was delivering diminishing returns with each syringe, and they decided to stop, despite Llew’s urge to put as much blood into him as she had Karlani.

“Stop, Llew.” Jonas folded her arm, blocking the next needle. “Even if it worked, it wouldn’t last.” He waved Karlani around to him. “Help me up.” She did. Jonas turned back to Llew. Using the tree for support with one hand, he offered the other to her. “Let’s go to the stream. A wash and time in the water will do you good.”

Llew accepted his offered hand and stood, taking most of her own weight.

Karlani shifted, squaring up her stance and placing her hands behind her back, like she might be a soldier awaiting instruction.

Llew shook her head at her. “You can be on watch as much as you like, but you can’t be our personal guard. Certainly not while we’re at the stream.”

Karlani blinked several times. “Understood. I will instruct Lyneth and Garnoc to place themselves within earshot if you should you need assistance, but to otherwise leave you uninterrupted and unobserved. If that is something you would have me do.”

“Sure.” Llew was tired despite sleep and touching an Ajnai tree for several hours. She gratefully let Karlani lift this decision from her shoulders.

Karlani collected the empty plate and cups and dashed back to the homestead, pausing to speak with Lyneth on her way past. Lyneth nodded and gathered her discarded soldier’s garb to wear once more. There was a lot of work yet to be done before everyone at the farm could be both clean and clean-clothed. Had Rowan included new clothing items on his procurement list from Hinden? Llew would have to wait and see.

Garnoc soon arrived carrying a couple of towels, a loofah, a bar of soap, and some clothing from Merrid and Ard’s wardrobe. He shuffled these beneath one arm so he could collect and hand one crutch to Jonas at a time.

Lyneth joined them as they approached the brow of the hill.

“We’ll wait about here.” Garnoc held the towels, soap, and clothing out for Llew to take. “We’ll be sure to keep our attention focused out here.” He waved in every direction except the creek. “Should you need us for anything, just call.”

“Thanks.” Llew accepted the items and guard service.

“Never needed bodyguards before,” Jonas murmured as they navigated the downhill, their pace dictated by his growing but still imperfect proficiency with the crutches.

“Ah. But now you’re my man, you’re extra special.” Llew smiled slyly at him.

“Your man. I suppose I am.” He smiled, though his focus remained on his trajectory. “Never thought about it that way before, even when I was married.” He scowled. “I was always Quaver’s man. Aris’s. Kierra was … I mean, I called her my wife, and I wanted her to be happy with me, but it was always duty to Quaver, you know?” He turned a pained look Llew’s way before returning his attention to their path. “I thought I was a better man than that. By the gods, I’ve right ballsed things up. No wonder Cayden had it in for me. Kierra deserved better.”

Llew didn’t comment. She’d never known Kierra but was ready to believe she had been dealt a poor hand. Born a Syakaran in Quaver, she had no doubt enjoyed many privileges attached to that – as a child, anyway. Quaver would’ve assured she was housed, fed, and had ample opportunity to grow into her potential. As a fully grown woman, however, she had well and truly paid her debt to Quaver. But, while Jonas had certainly had it better, he’d been kept to much the same deal; expected to meet Quaver’s demands, and Aris’s, and to make few of his own. He wasn’t a better man, or worse; just a man living within the bounds of the life he’d been given, as Llew had been when she’d had to steal to survive.

Karlani came to mind. Llew sighed. Waves of anger still bubbled in her belly at the thought of forgiving the Syakaran woman. Even the mildest contemplation of such threw Llew back to the night in the Quaven gaol, held down by Karlani while Aris struck. That pain – not just physical – in the moment one child had died and she became incapable of nurturing the other still reverberated through Llew’s bones if she let herself wallow in it. And pushing it aside left her sick with guilt. Karlani. Llew couldn’t separate the woman from pain, fear, guilt. And yet, like the rest of them, she had been trying to live her life with what she had. Could Llew forgive her? Not today.

Jonas toppled, throwing a crutch aside so he wouldn’t land on it as he tucked his arm in and twisted, cushioning himself. Llew collected the crutch and waited, allowing Jonas time to curse himself out and be ready for a hand up. He lay for a good few moments, teeth gritted against anger and pain.

“Real or phantom?”

“Both.”

Her question didn’t distract him from the pain, but he had to take a breath to respond, which did help. He took a few more, moved to a seated position, found his own strength, then accepted Llew’s help to stand.

“I don’t know if that’ll ever be gone.” Llew waited while he brushed himself off, handing the crutch over when he indicated he was ready. “Rowan and Elka might.”

Jonas didn’t voice a response, only set his determination to make the rest of the journey to the stream. The fact remained, he was likely as healed as he would ever be. Llew’s blood could help with the inflammation from the prosthetic rubbing, but if his scarring still ached, and whatever it was that caused him to feel pain from a body part no longer attached to him remained after their hours beneath the Ajnais, Llew struggled to imagine he might yet find relief, even if his Syakaran powers returned. When . When his Syakaran powers returned.

Approaching the stream brought Llew right back home to the shore of Big River. The sounds and the smells of flowing water, and whatever it was about moving water that seemed to charge the air around it, filled Llew with a calm she found nowhere else.

Sunlight poured between leaves above them, sparkling off the peaks of ripples and dappling the stony stream bed. Llew couldn’t experience the magic of her own blood the way Kara could, but surely this was close. Better? It was her happy place. Even more so with Jonas beside her. For the time being, the rest of the world did not exist.

Jonas still looked serious. Pained? Likely. And she could forgive his expression in that case. Still …

She placed the towels, soap, and clothing onto a dry rock and gripped the hem of her shift as she straightened, raising her arms above her head and letting it fall away from the water. She stepped carefully, her feet no longer used to the shifting stones with an array of smooth, sharp, and oddly rounded surfaces beneath them, coming to stand before Jonas, naked and smiling at him.

It had the desired effect, markedly lightening his mood.

“I’d like to undress you,” she said.

“Okay.” Such a subtle action, but simply straightening his stance and lifting his chin said so much. An invitation. He was hers. Her man. Hers to do with as she pleased.

She stepped in closer to him and unbuttoned his top shirt button, deliberately taking her time to splay that section of shirt breast before moving to the second. It wasn’t about exposing his skin – there was little to see, yet – or touching it – she didn’t – it was about savoring this moment in time, fixing her focus on each step: manipulate the buttonhole to open it a little, fold the material to position the button edge between the over-locked edges, slide it through and guide the two pieces of shirt apart. Think of little else. Perhaps deliver Jonas some pleasure in her deliberate petting of the lightly fluffed cotton, luxuriously soft beneath her palms, allowing a hint of Jonas’s heat to radiate through.

Next button. Pinch, fold, slide, press.

Bold black ink swooped above the neckline of one of Ard’s singlets, the tired white cotton loose on Jonas.

Another button.

Another.

Llew pressed her palms to the center of the singlet beneath Jonas’s heart and slid them apart, pulling the material taut, revealing the definition between his pectoral and stomach muscles; so deceptively firm, with no hint of weakness or fatigue. The singlet itself pulsed over Jonas’s heart. How much of Llew’s blood still flowed there? Did any linger? Or merely its effects? The latter, according to Llew’s understanding. Still, just minutes earlier, his heart had pumped her blood around his body. There was something deeply connecting about that.

Nope. Forget Karlani. Llew had no connection to Karlani.

Llew breathed deeply, pushing out the reality of the lack of poetry in her blood transfers for Jonas. There was nothing mystical or romantic in them. The romance came from this sense of calm and safety Llew would find nowhere else, with no one else.

Final button.

Shirt over shoulders.

One hand lifted from a crutch that thankfully fell against Jonas’s side and not to the ground so he could grip it once the shirt had cleared his hand without spoiling the moment, and repeat on the other side. The shirt joined Llew’s shift. Merrid’s. Llew’s now.

Now.

Here. Now.

No tears for the fallen. They could return later. Right now, she was with Jonas and he was only nearly half undressed. Focus. Here. Now.

Llew pulled the singlet’s lower hem free of Jonas’s trousers and worked it over his head as fast as they could manage around Jonas’s need of the crutches to maintain his balance.

Never bulky to begin with, Jonas’s muscles seemed to have lost some condition since they’d escaped Raena’s home in Northhollow. Nevertheless, Llew could gaze upon him all day if the world would let her.

“You’re beautiful.”

Jonas’s face displayed a range of expressions – surprise, disbelief, tempered laughter. Then he looked her over. Llew had somehow forgotten she was fully naked already.

“So are you.”

She felt just as Jonas had looked a moment ago, but let none of it show. She was in charge. She stepped in close, placed her hands to his top trouser button. “Are you ready?”

He nodded.

Llew undid the buttons one by one, well aware of his eagerness behind them. She looked up to meet his ironically apologetic gaze and allowed her own internal laughter to show, then focused back on the task at hand. The leather thong holding the empty trouser leg out of the way also prevented Jonas’s trousers from falling away. Llew tugged at its end, unraveling its bowed knot, and it came free. She gathered it into a loose ball and ensured it landed on her chemise, easily seen against the white.

Problem. Jonas still had a boot on and there would be no removing it while he stood.

“Um.” Llew looked about them. All the larger stones were in the water.

“I think if you sit down I can use you as support.”

“Okay.” Llew sat and held herself steady.

Jonas let one and then the other crutch fall, gripped Llew’s shoulder, then eased his other hand to the ground, giving himself three-points of contact as he bent his knee and swiveled to sit.

“Well, that don’t seem to be gettin’ any easier.”

“There’s time.”

Once Jonas was seated, Llew got on her knees and untied and removed his boot and sock. And finally they could figure out how to free him of his trousers. It had been relatively simple with a bed to sit at the edge of. Out here it was trickier, with little for Jonas to leverage himself against.

A cloud moved over them, dropping the temperature and stealing some of the magic. So be it. They were Jonas and Llew. The broken and the fugitive. What magic they had was gone or inadequate. And they were filthy. Whatever moment they might have hoped to create here wasn’t for them.

Dropping all pretenses of fun and sexuality, Jonas rocked his hips, allowing Llew to tug his trousers free. Then she gathered the soap and loofah as Jonas shuffled himself to the water. Llew joined him and set about soaping and scrubbing him, and he returned the favor. The sun had not returned, leaving Llew disappointingly cold. She had very much wanted this to be a special moment when they could enjoy each other.

Jonas settled in the shallows, shuffled himself to ensure a comfortable seat and ran his hands over the stones between his legs, removing a few pointed ones. “Come here,” he beckoned Llew with open arms.

She went to him, sitting between his thighs after removing a couple more troublesome stones. He enfolded her in his arms and pulled her back against his chest and belly.

Ahh. Heat.

Llew relaxed into him, closed her eyes.

Jonas rested his chin on her shoulder, his whiskers tickling her neck. Ard must have had shaving gear as he had kept his own face hairless. They would need to look for it. Still, Llew resisted shrugging the sensation away. Not all prickly chins were attached to awful men. It soon shifted as Jonas withdrew to kiss the curve where her neck and shoulder met. And again, further along her shoulder. His hands began to explore, one moving to just beneath her breast, the other settling at the junction of hip and thigh. Despite their nakedness and his kisses, the touches remained chaste.

“Is that okay?” He kissed the apex of her shoulder, and another, moving back toward her neck. Another.

“Mmhmm.”

The hand at her ribs shifted to lightly cup a breast. Jonas groaned softly as he kissed beneath her ear. It tickled, but not in a way that made Llew want to withdraw. His other hand teased at her inner thigh, inviting her to open for him. She did so, willingly.

Jonas took his time, his touches neither tentative nor progressing ahead of Llew’s desires. In fact, she began to wish he would demand more even while she luxuriated in his teasing. A delicious balance.

He shifted behind her to mirror the attention he’d paid to one shoulder and one side of her neck. He explored the shape and texture of her breasts with an expertise in just how to make Llew want .

She wanted.

His fingers below crossed the threshold, making Llew lose her breath and nearly plead with him to just take her, but his light yet deliberate petting felt so good. He knew where to touch her and the exact pressure to delight. She allowed herself a couple of panting gasps before controlling herself, letting him work his own kind of magic.

They continued like that for some time, Jonas exploring her body while demonstrating his intimate knowledge of it. Each time Llew thought she couldn’t take anymore, he would back off, letting her come back from the edge before guiding her toward it once more. And again. And again.

“When do we do the next bit?” Llew asked during a lull when she could string the words together.

“Whenever you’re ready.” Jonas paused his ministrations to hug her tightly to him as he kissed her cheek, then lips when she turned her head to meet him, preventing her from leaping up and taking him up on his invitation immediately. Whenever she was ready meant she should take her time and be sure she’d had enough of his other efforts before the finale. He returned his hands to teasing while they tasted each other and he soon had Llew holding her breath then panting while he grinned and kissed her tenderly. “Mmm. You’re amazin’.”

“Me? You’re the— You’re the one doing—” Llew barely stifled a groan. “—that.”

“Yes. And you’re so much fun to do it to.”

Llew didn’t respond as she returned her attention to the touch he’d partially withdrawn from her – still petting, but with broader strokes away from her most sensitive places, making her feel like she had to chase his touch. Making her open to him.

When her breathing returned to normal, his fingertips resumed their earlier work.

Finally, Llew realized it really was up to her and she couldn’t take anymore. She stood, turned, and lowered herself. Jonas grinned at her, his face alight with humor that slid to a sly sexiness as she gripped him to direct him home. And that look, framed by his several days’ beard growth filled Llew with chills and nausea. Still, she took him inside, and eased down with eyes closed, holding her own weight, trying to push Braph and his smug sneer from her mind. She pressed her face into his shoulder, breathing him in, finding Jonas, not Braph.

“Sorry,” Jonas said.

“Don’t be,” Llew kept her eyes closed, focused on his voice, on the feel of him, his scent, on his comforting grip on her biceps.

“I should’ve—”

“Shh.” Llew breathed, eyes still shut and pressed into him. “I can’t ask you not to smile. I love your smiles. That they sometimes remind me of … him … That’s not your fault.” She sat back, opened her eyes, met his gaze. “You are not him. I trust you.” She squeezed him inside her, bringing about another smile. Nothing like Braph this time. “I love your smiles.”

His smile broadened. Better still. And Llew felt like she was on the cusp of some victory. She held his gaze and rocked her hips. There were hints of Braph there, in the shape of Jonas’s eyes, in the color of his skin, in the line his beard followed across his cheeks. Their brotherhood was undeniable.

And yet, when Jonas looked back at her, his hunger was for a shared desire, to experience her pleasure with her, and not inflict it on her whether she wanted it or not, or take, take, take, the way Braph approached the world. Maybe he wasn’t wrong in his belief he was owed something. Maybe he’d been unfairly injured and insulted by Turhmos, Aris, maybe even Jonas. But whatever Braph was owed, it had never been her father’s blood, her mother’s love, or Llew’s body. And certainly not Llew’s very own sense of self.

“Say my name,” she whispered.

A quirk of his eyebrows questioned her briefly, but Jonas complied, holding her gaze sans demand. “I love you, Llew.”

Llew shook her head. She liked his addition, but … “My name. My full name.” She rocked her hips again. Gasped. “Say my name.”

“I love you … Llewella.”

An involuntary shiver ran down Llew’s spine. Only Jonas was there to say it, and yet she heard Braph’s voice mingled with it. Revulsion. Sorrow. A flare of anger.

“I love you, Llewella.” Jonas’s lips met Llew’s chin.

Dammit. It was still there. But so was Jonas. She tilted her head, aligning their mouths.

“I love you, Llewella.” Jonas brushed his lips across hers, inviting her to meet him if she so wished, replenishing her with delight as that remembered echo filled her with disgust. Llew focused on that invitation. And what was he doing down below? He nearly sent her over the edge again without obviously moving. How did he do that? Was it like when she squeezed him? Jonas moaned as she did so. “Careful, Llewella,” he whispered, and she only heard it in his voice.

Llew pressed her forehead to his, rolled her hips forward.

Jonas hissed, sucking in a breath.

“Say it again.”

“I love you, Llewella.”

Llew rested her head on his shoulder, wrapped her arms around him.

“I’m yours, Llewella.” Jonas hugged her to him, leaned his cheek against hers.

“My Jonas,” Llew whispered against his neck.

“My Llewella.”

Like their first time, they barely had to move, and yet Llew’s body was awash with pleasure. They held each other tight, as if by doing so they might merge into one, making Jonas whole and giving Llew the strength to face all the world had to throw at her. All going well, there might be some truth to it.

They relaxed into each other. Llew rested her head on his shoulder, nuzzled into his neck, content. Llewella . A chill tremored down her spine. She sighed. Not fixed. But maybe there was a chance one day she would be able to reclaim what Braph had taken.

She traced his tattoo with her fingertips. His power. His embrace. Her safety.

Like being cupped in her hand.

“Did you …?” That lump filled her throat again. “Did you get to hold one? The one Aris didn’t kill?”

Jonas stilled, released a soft sigh. “It was a choice between you or neither of you. No choice at all. I had to let it go.”

“But you got to hold it?”

Jonas’s head pressed into hers, but he shaped no words.

Llew had wanted to be angry at him for getting to do what she never could. But how could she? It hadn’t protected him from what had come after.

“It felt safe with you. They know your love for them,” she whispered.

After a time, Llew eased herself from Jonas’s embrace and sunk back into the water. Jonas shuffled toward her, then stopped, cursing, and breathing through gritted teeth as he reached a hand out to grip a part of him no longer there.

“What hurts this time?” Llew asked.

“Ankle.” Jonas managed a laughing growl, though any humor soon passed. “I swear it hurts more now than when it was still there. But it’s not constant.”

Llew sympathized with him, but left him to process the pain as he needed to and allowed herself to enjoy the water, the fresh air, the occasional bird trill, and the play of the leaves in the gentle breeze. As she would’ve back in Cheer, she swept her arms through the water and noted the colors of the sand and stones beneath the water. It was a shame the clouds had rolled in, dulling everything. Still, they had this moment of peace and she would enjoy it as best she could while the man she loved dealt with his pain.

Her stomach grumbled, and she sighed. Curse this mortal body and its inconvenient needs. They had to wait out Jonas’s pain before they could make the walk back for dinner.

Eventually, Jonas managed to reach the shallows, still clearly pained. Llew watched him a moment while he turned inward.

“You’re the strongest and best man I’ve ever known.” After a moment of watching the top of his head before he lifted it to look at her, Llew held his gaze while he processed her use of the present tense. He gave a small nod, and Llew’s chest ached to see his vulnerability – an everlasting chasm between Jonas and Braph. “And I love you.”

Again, Jonas held her gaze before replying, “Love you, too.”

His smile was subtle, and Llew didn’t look away. Nor was she repulsed. Not this time. She gave a satisfied smile in return.