This Hate You Won't Let Go Of

While Elka, Rowan, and a couple of the Turhmos soldiers keen to help in the kitchen and garden brought together a meal for them all, most of the rest of the group started digging a hole for the soldiers Llew had been unable to revive.

Although unused to being surplus to need, Jonas didn’t mind this time, since every ounce of energy he used cost Llew in blood. While she gave it willingly, he’d assured her he was better than he was after all she had already given to the injured and dead soldiers. He thought it likely he could manage until their usual evening transfer. Still, his muscles fatigued. He sat on the edge of the porch.

Anya was already there, with her knees up, her dress tucked down between them to preserve dignity, and her chin resting on her arms. Jonas had never seen Anya in such a pose. Llew did it all the time, her preference for trousers not a problem, while Anya followed the protocol for women she had been raised with; tidy dresses, upright posture, gentle tongue. She had also assured Llew she was fine, despite the clear haunted look in her eyes, and now sat watching her friend converse with the Ajnai trees. Jonas thought he understood that look. She had just died and lived again thanks to Llew’s magic. It wasn’t something you went through and carried on with life as you had been. It wasn’t something you could talk through with Llew either, not while you sat in debt to her. She wouldn’t see it that way, but Jonas certainly lived with it.

Llew placed a palm to a tree and stood a few moments in silence before moving to the next. Jonas understood that the trees spoke to her, though he doubted he would ever fully comprehend it. They certainly didn’t talk to him, even the one planted over his children was silent to him. Something in the Aenuk-Ajnai bond. Something Quaver, under Aris’s urging, had tried to destroy. So many lives lost – Ajnai trees, Aenuks, and the countless people that could have been saved by such a pairing – all for Aris to retain his own. And what had Aris done with that costly extended life? Retained control over a select few individuals with Syakaran power. To achieve what? To live and live and maybe one day regain his powers? And then what? Destroy all Aenuks and Ajnais simply so he could retain his immortality? It seemed the old man had so feared his own death he’d rather have watched the rest of the world burn than face it.

So, what had it all been for? Cowardice, as far as Jonas could tell. Cowardice and the lies formulated to protect it.

Gaemil returned from helping to dig the mass grave, pausing to look on Anya with concern. After dealing with the ambitions of Aris and Braph, there was something refreshing in seeing smudges of dirt the on the earl’s clothing and temple, and the dark lines of dirty fingernails. Jonas lifted his chin and gave Gaemil a reassuring wave. Gaemil gave a thin smile and stepped onto the porch to wash his hands at the water basin. Anya remained fixated on Llew.

Gaemil turned a worried look Jonas’s way once more and Jonas dismissed him with a casual smile. He reckoned he had this in hand, while Gaemil’s anxiety might clam Anya.

Gaemil headed indoors and Jonas shifted closer to Anya, ready to be an understanding ear if she was ready.

While she remained still, having not reacted to Gaemil’s arrival nor departure, Anya’s eyes shifted, noting Jonas’s attention before returning their focus to Llew. They glistened, with tears sitting in her lower lashes.

“Feels like we can never repay what she’s given, huh?” Jonas hazarded.

Anya ignored him.

After a time, she whispered, “It’s not that.” The first tear tracked down her cheek. She wiped it away with the inside of a wrist, sniffed, and returned her chin to her arms, still watching Llew. “I don’t know why I feel this way. I only know I’m not supposed to be here.”

“Yes, you are,” Jonas said it without thinking. He didn’t need to.

“I shouldn’t be, though. I don’t deserve it. I was so stupid. I know what she is, and she could easily have healed off an Ajnai. But I just ran out, head empty, and grabbed her hand. So stupid. And I know how she’d feel if she hadn’t been able to bring me back, which she shouldn’t have been able to do, but look at her. She’s a miracle. And me? A waste of space.”

Jonas looked at her, but she didn’t meet his gaze. “You’re not stupid. We all make mistakes when it comes to Aenuks. I spent years trainin’ to fight them safely, and I still got it wrong sometimes.”

“In the end, even though I knew she’d be sad, I made peace with it. I was ready to go and pay for my stupidity. And now I don’t know what to do.”

“Make peace with still bein’ here.”

Anya looked at him. Blinked. “Don’t make it sound so simple. I’m wallowing.” This time, instead of returning her chin to her arms, she pressed her mouth into them. Stifling a laugh? Her eyes gave nothing away.

He considered a quip like ‘Wallow away’, but didn’t know how Anya would take it in the moment. It did seem simple to him. Anya was alive. Watching Llew reconnecting with her trees, he hated to think what kind of mess she’d be in if Anya had stayed dead.

“Llew needs you alive. Whatever else you gotta think or do to be okay with bein’ here, start with bein’ here for her. That’s all she needs from you.”

“Yes. I get it.”

“I know you like to make yourself useful; you need a worthwhile project. You’ve got one in Rakun. Brurun is a great and prosperous country unfortunate enough to share borders with both Turhmos and Quaver. It needs strong leadership now.”

“I’m hardly a leader.”

“But you’re part of that structure. You have a voice. At the very least, you bring Gaemil joy. I’ve never seen him happier than the day you arrived in Rakun. Start there.”

They sat, Jonas allowing Anya her wallowing and Anya doing just that, until she asked quietly, “What comes after this?” She lifted her chin and looked at Jonas, her eyes finally focused on that short distance. “There was nothing.”

“You’re never truly gone until a Syaenuk can’t bring you back. What comes after? That’s a mystery you’re fortunate to still live with.”

Anya blinked at him a few times, before setting her focus back on Llew. Or, at least, in Llew’s direction. “Huh.”

***

The Ajnai that had helped Llew do what shouldn’t have been possible – returned stolen ghi – still clung to life and assured her it could heal, given time. Through her touch, the Ajnais projected images and an emotional understanding as clear as if they had spoken. Despite appearances, these trees were young. They had yet to establish the connections the ancient Ajnai had achieved through its root system and relationships built with a range of underground life – other plant roots, fungi, and a myriad of tiny animals; beetle grubs and worms, millipedes and mites.

Some of these Ajnai had finally made contact between their roots, but the dead tree she’d used to heal Ard also meant the trees either side had farther to reach. It would take months yet for the entire row to be fully connected. Once they were, the potential for helping Aenuks would grow even faster. Llew asked them when they might sprout seeds so she could spread them even farther and was met with sadness. It could be hundreds of years before these trees could produce seeds. It just wasn’t something such traditionally ancient trees had to do at this stage in their life-cycle, and was usually only a process called on in the throes of death.

But it gave me seeds when I brought Jonas back .

The sense she got from the tree she was touching, quietly accompanied by the trees it had contact with underground, felt like a “Hmm” and a raised eyebrow. They had opinions about Kara. Opinions planted with each seed.

“It won’t get any better with attitudes like that. It’s not Kara that are the problem, it’s people who behave like Braph or Aris. It’s this—” She waved her hands at the tree. “—hate you won’t let go of. You disapprove of Jonas because of what he is, but he’s a man capable of learning, capable of looking beyond the hate he was born to, capable of loving me, despite a lifetime of learning hate.” Llew took a breath. “I get it, I do. The Kara nearly wiped you out, but that wasn’t Jonas’s doing. He’s dedicated to freeing the Aenuks now, and to planting more Ajnais, if that’s possible.”

Llew scanned the tree branches, but there was no hint they were about to produce seeds just because she wanted them to. That meant that when she and Jonas finally freed the Aenuks, there wouldn’t be Ajnai trees dotted all over the place to allow destruction-free healing. A fear of the potential devastation they might wreak fluttered Llew’s heart. Maybe freeing the Aenuks was the wrong thing to do? Such a thought sat uncomfortably in her gut. These were people she was thinking about. People capable of learning and making good decisions.

The memory of the devastation Llew had wrought in the Aghacian town of Stelt, and since, flitted through her mind along with the imagined demise of the little girl killed by Llew’s power. Yes, she had made mistakes. Devastating mistakes that she wasn’t sure she could ever balance. The other Aenuks would also make mistakes. Potentially deadly. But was that possibility worth their lifelong captivity?

Llew looked back to the homestead where Jonas sat beside Anya, where Merrid and Ard had lived, where they had housed Aenuks and given them the tools to step into the free world and remain undiscovered. How many Aenuks had the farmers equipped with such knowledge over the years? Probably not many, though they’d likely dreamed of freeing them all. That’s what Llew had to do. Bring Aenuks here, teach them what they needed to know to make it out there. Give them this base to return to if necessary, and send them out to the lives they deserved.

The Aenuk soldier approached and placed a hand to an Ajnai. Llew watched him, finding a joy in seeing someone converse with the trees as she did.

“Merrid and Ard, the farmers who owned this place, used to free Aenuks,” Llew said. “They’d want you to stay.”

He met her gaze, keeping his palm on the tree. “Oh, I’m staying.”

Llew smiled and held out her hand to shake his. “Welcome to the team,” she said when he accepted the gesture. “My name’s Llew, by the way.”

“Sam.”

“Will the rest of your … countrymen join us?”

“We pledged to join you.” He glanced at Jonas, briefly enough he perhaps hoped Llew wouldn’t notice, but she did detect a darkening of his demeanor.

“Loyalty to me is loyalty to him. You don’t get one without the other.”

“You know what he did?”

“Yes.” Jonas had also made mistakes.

“Lunch!” One of the Turhmos soldiers called from the homestead, and the farm settled into a scene of domesticity, with everyone finding somewhere to sit or stand to eat.

There was still no bread, but the soldiers had foraged a variety of fresh greens, edible flowers, and fruit from around the farm. There weren’t enough plates to go around, but the group broke into smaller groups and made do. Rowan and Elka sat with Gaemil at the table inside, making a plan for things Gaemil could buy in Hinden. The Turhmos soldiers and Gaemil’s guards stood near enough they could eavesdrop on each other’s conversation and laugh or comment on things they had in common. Alvaro and Karlani stood together not far from the house, but not mingling either. Llew’s two favorite people in all the world, Jonas and Anya sat side-by-side on the edge of the porch eating quietly, sharing the occasional observation. Llew placed herself out in the middle of the cartway, right where it was double width, before it diverged between heading to the house or to the sheds around back, and everyone seemed to understand she was content to stand on her own, nibbling, and just being Llew alone; together with everyone.

And she was nearly overwhelmed by the experience. The only other person she’d been able to count on for many years had been her father, until his disappearance left her entirely alone. Yes, she’d had friends but, as was the way in Cheer, many hadn’t survived childhood, or if they did it was because they knew how to look after their number one, as Llew had learned to do. Share a physical space, but little else. She’d been closer to Kynas physically than anyone, but Llew never tried to kid herself there was more than scratching an itch between them. Well, no. Her final memories of him were clouding her first years on the street. He’d been good to her, then; sharing, teaching, not expecting in return, until something changed and suddenly she owed him.

Chewing a sweet, immature pea pod, Llew looked around at her hodgepodge crew. All three major nations of Phyos were here: Turhmos, Quaver, and Brurun. Aenuks, Kara, and mundane, all gathered together for a meal on Merrid and Ard’s farm. She thought the couple would have delighted in it, and once more wished they were there to see it. This was their legacy.

Even the Ajnais. They represented something more than what they were. Perhaps these immature trees less so than the ancient Ajnai had done. Still, their existence felt like a connection to the past – when Aenuks had been free and Ajnais had been everywhere – and the future that would mirror it; somehow, though getting more seeds any time soon didn’t seem likely. The ancient Ajnai had released seeds as it had died, though, and Llew had brought them here when she, Jonas, and Braph had sought succor. The cart was now empty of their stockpile of Ajnai wood. Where had those seeds gone? A job for when things grew quiet around the farm, assuming that would happen.

After lunch, Gaemil’s guards prepared their horses, and a couple of the Turhmos soldiers – Eirian and Ivor – hitched Ard’s cart to join them. There hadn’t been time to get to know the soldiers, and a part of Llew wondered if they could trust them, but Jonas assured her that saving their lives would have instilled a debt Turhmos itself couldn’t match. That he could find it in him to trust soldiers from Turhmos made it easier for her to do the same. Sam didn’t feel safe leaving the farm, so he would stay.

Once again, Llew found herself having to say goodbye to Anya. And this time, she couldn’t guess if it might be their last, so they lingered in their embrace, saying how much they loved each other and were grateful to have shared their short journey, tears soaking each others’ clothing. Eventually, Gaemil gently pried Anya away, helped her to mount, and Llew watched them go as best she could through tear-filled eyes. Jonas stood by her, placed an arm around her shoulders and, when she was ready, pulled her into an embrace, letting her sob into his shoulder. Anya was safer away from here. Her place wasn’t beside Llew while Llew’s freedom still drew the ire of Turhmos. Still, Anya’s leaving hurt her heart.

But there was work to be done.

Thirteen bodies awaited funeral rites, as best as could be provided. Karlani’s Syakaran powers helped immensely, as did the decision to settle for a mass grave. Llew had wondered if the living Turhmosian soldiers might find offense, but it turned out most barely knew each other. They trained together under strict command; they were not permitted to socialize. As for Sam, he savored the chance to breathe fresh air and to feel it and the warmth of the sun on his skin. He had seen Llew through his cell door window when she’d escaped, but he’d lacked understanding of what was happening at the time as he’d experienced so little of the world. One room, and the occasional training and exercise session within the palace compound. This was the first time he’d been sent on patrol, and he had intended to follow his commands, capture Llew, and bring her back where she should be. He hadn’t guessed there might be another way, and he thanked her for this chance at another life.

Llew accepted his and the other soldiers’ repeated thanks graciously, she hoped, with a smile and a nod. She wouldn’t diminish what she had done – the dead were testament to how easily she could fail – and she wouldn’t forget how deadly she could be if it weren’t for the Ajnais. So each thanks she received she considered herself accepting on behalf of the trees, for it was they that protected the farm and all the people on it.

They lowered the bodies into the ground around late afternoon and, though no one had personal connections to those they farewelled, they paused for a few moments before committing the first shovelful of soil. Llew took it as a chance to forgive these soldiers who had come to capture her and kill Jonas at Turhmos’s behest. They hadn’t chosen their fight. Even if they thought they had, it was based on the lies they’d been raised to believe. That they hadn’t had the chance for enlightenment their fellow Turhmosians had was a tragedy.

Llew returned to the house cows with Elka. Llew could soothe them and smear the salve herself, but she appreciated Elka’s expert eye. She also suspected that, like herself, Elka found some peace and joy in simply being with the cows and away from the bustle of people.

“Have you helped your ma with many pregnancies?”

“A fair few.” As was her way, Elka watched Llew, rather than asking the obvious.

Llew appreciated the opportunity to change her mind and save face; pretend she’d simply taken an interest in Elka’s history and experience, and maintain some pretense of polite society. But what value was there in saving face?

“When I carried Jonas’s babies, I gained their Immortal magic. I was fast and strong like Jonas, and I could heal him with a touch. But I didn’t gain those powers until more than a week after we … were together.” Llew would’ve used the euphemism anyway, but was especially aware of Elka’s feelings regarding Jonas. She wasn’t surprised when it took Elka a moment to process.

“I— I don’t know. We usually s— see women when they miss their menses, or begin to show in their belly. What happens in the earliest days, I couldn’t tell you.”

Llew sighed. “I guess I’m just hoping for another miracle. I need to save him.”

“Of course you do.”

“Last time was so easy. This time, I don’t even know if I can.”

“Jonas didn’t think you would be able to s— save Anya. Why?”

“We can’t return what we’ve taken.”

“But you did. Did you know you could do that?”

“… No.”

She hadn’t even bled since losing their babies. Perhaps the doctor really had removed a part of her. Perhaps that path to saving Jonas’s life was gone forever.

A lump rose in her throat.

If Jonas died, it wouldn’t matter; Llew couldn’t imagine having a family with anyone else. She wanted to be with him. And she wanted to save his life.