Disclosures and Decisions

Saga blinked, suddenly numb. She’d suspected something like this, but to find out her childhood heroes were real, and that they wanted her to join them? It felt like too much all at once. Did she deserve this? In a way, it was what she always wanted, more than she could have ever hoped for, but…like this? She felt a hand squeeze her shoulder, but her gaze was fixed on a point on the carpet a few feet from her chair. The ball of pain in her chest threatened to burst, and a familiar voice whispered to her.

This path will only bring you pain.

She looked up, but it was clear neither of them had spoken. The voice was the same as before, alien yet familiar. Was it the voice from the dream? The void that had begged her to jump into it?

Even now, you hurt. Please, let me give you peace.

She shook her head, once again mentally shoving the voice away. She found it was an almost physical sensation in her mind, and she felt it recede as she exerted her will.

“No?” Her grandfather’s voice carried a note of surprise, and she realized he’d misunderstood her shaking her head. She opened her mouth to correct him, then hesitated. Was this really what she wanted? Well, yes, more than anything, but that wasn’t the right question. Was this what she deserved ?

“I…don’t know,” she finally said. “This is a big decision. Do I have time to think about it?”

Grandpapa frowned. “Well, yes, but not much. The job is yours if you want it, Saga, but if you decide you don’t want to do it…” He trailed off, as if afraid to continue.

This sent off alarm bells in Saga’s mind. “What? What happens if I refuse?”

He winced. “You have to understand, Saga. It’s not a matter of trust, so much as a matter of protocol. I trust you, Dorrin trusted you, but this knowledge…even knowing it is dangerous in more ways than one. There are people who would abuse the knowledge, and still others who would hunt you to hide it.” He paused, watching her eyes. “If you decide you don’t want to join us…you’ll have to drink a cup of fogleaf tea.”

Saga’s eyes widened. Fogleaf was a monster plant, the leaves of which were used to induce a loss of consciousness. In large enough doses, it was known to cause permanent memory loss to varying degrees. Her blood ran cold, and her mouth dried out. They’d go that far to keep the secret? Her own grandfather? “How much?” she finally asked.

He smiled, but his eyes were sad. “It’s been used extensively by our organization over the years, you understand. We have a firm grasp on dosage to achieve the desired affect. We only hide the knowledge from the Sanctum because the effects of the herb can be detected after the fact if they know what to look for. As far as the rest of the world is concerned, memory loss is an unintentional side effect of overdosing and is to be avoided.”

Gemma chimed in helpfully. “I’ve had to use it a few times myself. Don’t worry, it’s completely safe. We’d just give you enough to make you lose a few days to a week, at most. You’ll probably forget this entire trip.”

“To be clear, this wouldn’t be a punishment,” Grandpapa continued. “Upon awakening, you’d be sent on a normal bard trial, one you’ll be expected to pass with flying colors, and you’ll go to be a Bard like you’ve been training for.”

“What about Master Dorrin?” Saga asked.

“We’d have to come up with a cover story to explain what happened to him, but we’re already working on it. The general public can’t know how he died. Most likely, we’ll say he was ambushed by bandits. In fact, to help avoid awkward questions around your departure, we could probably say that you barely escaped yourself, and your memory loss was a result of your injuries.”

Saga felt cold, except for the knot burning in her chest that continued to grow hotter. Hearing the two discuss completely removing a piece of her memory and fabricating an elaborate lie just to hide the existence of this threat as calmly as if they were discussing dinner plans was almost too much. Once again, she suppressed the pain and focused on her grandfather. “And if I accept? What happens then?”

He was visibly relieved by the question. “You’d be fully initiated. You’ll have to get a special tattoo, for starters.”

“Wait, the school emblem tattoo?” Saga guessed, surprised. She had seen some bards and guards with the tattoo. It was supposed to be a rite of passage for graduating from the school, but not everyone got it. “You can’t be telling me everyone with that tattoo is a Keeper.”

He chuckled and shook his head. “No, we encourage our students to get it to help with the cover. The version actual Keepers get is special, but that can be discussed later. To continue, you’d get the tattoo, and after a period of recovery from all of this, you’d be given your first assignment.”

“What kind of assignment?”

“Well, there are different jobs we all do.” Gemma gestured to herself. “I’m a Receiver, most of our group at the Crossroads are. We gather information, some of it from other agents, and some from questioning travelers. We also act as handlers to our other agents, the Retrievers, passing on information and orders as needed. They’re the ones you hear stories about, going to far away places, finding information or carrying out certain tasks, things like that.”

Saga frowned. “Like, assassination?” After her encounter with the bandits, she was sure she could kill someone in combat if necessary, but the idea of setting out with the express purpose of taking a life made her feel sick.

Her smiled sadly. “Yes, though not as often as the stories would have you believe. More than once we’ve had to eliminate a threat to the city from afar, but killing them is a last resort.”

Saga eyed her grandfather, seeing him in a new light. The kindly old man who’d cared for her when she was injured, who taught her before she was allowed to attend the Academy properly, who always knew just what to say and what to do, a paragon of virtue in her eyes…was he really capable of ordering someone’s death?

He was the Craftking once , she reminded herself. It made sense that a ruler would be willing to do whatever was necessary, but he’d stepped down from the throne well before she was born, so she’d never really thought of him in that way. She nodded slowly, her brow furrowed. “I think I understand. If I agree to join, I’ll be sent off on some task or assigned to a location. If I don’t agree, I’ll have my recent memory wiped and become a Bard.”

Gem nodded. “That’s pretty much it, yeah.”

“How much time do I have to think about it?”

Grandpapa rubbed his chin, considering his words carefully. “We normally need an answer before you leave the room, but…”

“Master…” Gem’s tone carried a note of warning, and he raised an eyebrow at her.

“I’m the Headmaster, Gem. If anyone can bend the rules a bit, I can.” He turned back to Saga. “You’ll have to drink the tea if you decide not to join us, I can’t change that, but I can give you time.” He held up a finger. “You have one day.”

Saga raised both eyebrows. “Are you sure? What if I tell someone?”

“If I thought you couldn’t keep the secret, I wouldn’t have offered you the job.”

The room fell into silence as Saga began to think about the decision, but she was interrupted by her stomach growling. She looked down at it, then back at the other two, blushing. “I should probably eat something first, at the very least.”

Grandpapa chuckled and clapped a hand on her shoulder. “That you should. ‘Don’t make any life-changing decisions on an empty stomach’ is a good rule of thumb.”

With that, Saga stood and looked to Gem. “Care to join us for dinner?”

The copper hesitated, then shook her head. “Sorry, I can’t. I need to make arrangements for the memorial tomorrow, and I have some reports to make while I’m in the city.”

“I’m afraid I won’t be joining you either, Saga,” Grandpapa added. “I also need to see to some things tonight, and I’m afraid getting the word out about what happened is of the utmost importance.” He smiled at her, and in a rare moment, it betrayed his age and weariness.

He has so much on his shoulders , Saga realized. She hugged him, careful not to crush either of their hats. “Of course, Grandpapa. How soon did you need a decision?”

“No later than the end of Dorrin’s ceremony tomorrow. That time to process all of this is the most I can allow.”

She nodded against his shoulder, then pulled away. The urge to cry rose again, standing there before him, but she fought it back. “Yes, Headmaster.” She bowed to him politely, which he returned with a solemn nod, then she headed for the door.

“Saga?” Gem called out to Saga, alarmed by the look on her face, but she couldn’t stop. The ball of tension and pain that had been building in her chest were about to burst, and she had to get away before it did. Saga threw open the door and, as soon as she crossed the threshold, began to run.

She started with a light jog, not wanting to disturb the people students and teachers wandering the halls, but by the time she reached the entrance she’d reached a dead sprint. She heard a familiar voice call out her name. Jonas? She didn’t stop to check, focusing on the path ahead of her.

Her will surged as she crossed the open courtyard towards the gate, and she cast Haste with everything she had the moment she passed through. The world began to surge past her, and it took all of her focus to keep from knocking over pedestrians or toppling carts, weaving her way in and out of the foot traffic approaching the Grand Ring, then turning right to head…she didn’t know where. She couldn’t go home, not yet. The red hot ball of tension and anger and grief and pain boiled inside of her chest, threatening to explode if she didn’t find a release. Fire blazed inside her right eye, and her left eye was manifesting a fiery corona from her excessive magic. Part of her was certain she made a striking image for those who caught a glimpse as she passed, but she didn’t care. She just ran, focusing on putting one step in front of the other.

Eventually, though, her hunger caused her will to begin to fade, and she found herself stumbling to a stop at the same walltop plaza where she’d shared lunch with her family only days ago. It felt like weeks. The plaza was sparsely populated at this time of night, but her abrupt entrance had earned her little more than curious glances. She didn’t pay them any mind, instead heading for the edge of the wall and taking a seat. Her legs dangled over the edge as she leaned back, staring up at the Beacon Falls. Even at this time of night, with the sun well below the horizon, they caught just enough light to make for a beautiful view.

In that moment, she wanted nothing more to give in to the emotions roiling inside of her, to lash out, to scream, to cry, to jump. That last thought gave her pause, and she self-consciously pulled her legs up from the ledge, resting her chin on her knees where she sat. Even now, she could hear that voice in the back of her mind.

Please, I can’t bear to see you like this. It pleaded with her more fervently than before. Let me take the pain from you. Let go. Rest.

She squeezed her eyes shut, directing her thoughts at it experimentally. What do you want?

The voice was silent for a time, and she began to wonder if she was going crazy. Eventually, though, it replied. I want peace. I want an end to the pain. An end to the chaos. Let me give you peace. Please.