Book One - Chapter Thirteen: Bean Me Up

The nearest Karen turned to deliver a withering critique and froze. I launched like a caffeinated comet, moving so fast I left afterimages that glitched in my wake. The Karen's face hadn't even finished forming its complaint when I reached her.

“THE MANAGER IS OUT,” I bellowed, enhanced fist colliding with her perfectly powdered face. “PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AFTER THE PUNCH.”

Man these catchphrases are cringy. But, fuck it, they work.

She exploded into pastel mist and crystallized indignation. The shockwave rippled out, knocking down lesser Karens like a row of entitled dominoes.

I pivoted toward my next target, a Gravethrall bringing down its obsidian club toward a fallen soldier. I intercepted the blow in a burst of golden light, catching the city-leveling club in my bare hand with a thunderclap of impact.

“ROCK BEATS SCISSORS,” I announced, because apparently the Final Blend was feeding me the worst one-liners today, “BUT BARISTA BEATS ROCK!”

I shattered its, the limb dissolving as I delivered a roundhouse kick that converted its head to a constellation of gravel.

I carved through the enemy ranks like an interdimensional chainsaw—if chainsaws could teleport, perform spinning aerial combos, and occasionally deliver one-liners. Trolls, monks, Karens—they all fell before me in a ballet of destruction so beautiful it deserved its own Hans Zimmer soundtrack.

And it felt fucking MAGNIFICENT.

[CORE INTEGRATION AT 72%]

Three Karens tried to corner me, their perfectly manicured hands raised in identical gestures of disapproval, the air around them warping with the gravity of their combined entitlement.

“YOUR SERVICE IS UNACCEPTABLE,” one began, her voice distorting reality, forcing itself past the time dilation. Their cancel powers were strong, but not as strong as me.

I moved between them in a blur of golden light and righteous customer service vengeance, delivering strikes so fast they didn't register until their bodies were already falling.

“SORRY, THE COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT IS CLOSED... PERMANENTLY!”

I spotted Riley pinned down by a group of Gravethralls, their massive forms creating a living fortress around her. She was fighting with everything she had but her movements were sluggish with exhaustion.

I was by her side in an instant, lifting two trolls by their throats with arms wreathed in golden fire.

“Need some help?” I asked, smashing the trolls' heads together with a force that created a shockwave that atomized three more behind them.

“What... the... hell...” she breathed, her words stretching across seconds in my enhanced perception.

“No time,” I said. “I'll be back.”

I kept moving, kept fighting.

I paused just long enough to check my timer.

Cutting it close.

I went to strike the Queen Karen, but by the time I arrived, she vanished in a puff of perfume, leaving her minions behind. Some sort of escape power.

Still too many enemies. They kept coming, pouring in through tunnels they opened around the cavern. For every ten I destroyed, twenty more took their place. The math wasn't working in our favor. There were now what had to be thousands of them. And more still pouring in.

A terrible realization hit me: even with these powers, I couldn't defeat them all before the drinks wore off. We were still going to lose.

I needed a new strategy.

I thought about cutting loses and just leaving. But, these armies... this was most likely their mightiest forces. This was an incredible chance to stop them, to give earth a real advantage in the war. When would I have so many gathered in such a confined space?

That's when it happened. The time dilation started to fade, reality's pace normalizing. I still had a few precious minutes of my enhanced stats. I'd make use of them.

[CORE INTEGRATION AT 94%]

"Riley" I shouted across the battlefield. "Get everyone out. Now!"

She looked up, startled, then confusion crossed her face. "The Core where's the Core? The mission—"

The aliens seemed to notice too, eyes locked on me.

"Mission Accomplished, " I yelled back as a system notification chimed in everyone's HUDs, confirming my words. "Now get everyone out of here!"

Riley stared at me, her eyes widening as she saw the golden light emanating from mine. "What the fuck?" she whispered, loud enough for me to hear despite the chaos.

I spotted Green Lady pinned under fallen debris, her massive form struggling against a collapsed section of ceiling.

"Hold on!" I called, racing to her side and bracing myself against the weight crushing her. With my enhanced strength, I lifted the stone slab like it was styrofoam, allowing her to crawl free.

"TINY MAN VERY STRONG NOW," she observed, blood trickling from a gash on her forehead. Then her eyes widened as she saw the glow coming from mine. "TINY MAN... NOT TINY INSIDE."

"Get as many others to safety as you can," I pointed. "Go!"

Riley rapidly sounded the retreat and organized the evacuation, her military training kicking in despite her obvious shock. "Everyone fall back to the extraction point! Move it, people!"

I watched as our forces began streaming toward the exit tunnels and opening portals, the wounded supported by those who could still fight.

She Green Lady helped by chucking soldiers at the open retreat portals. Mostly not missing.

The Karens had noticed what was happening.

Their hands sketching intricate patterns into the air. Portals flickered open like infected wounds in reality. Through the shimmer, I glimpsed chaos: city streets, crowds, screaming. Some had already crossed over.

"This ends now." The Final Blend was wearing off, but something deeper had woken up. The Core wasn’t just fuel inside me. It was fire.

I didnt know how but I knew, I just knew, if I let them leave, let them regroup, it was game over. But here—here, they were trapped. Here they were mine. And I could bury them.

Riley appeared at my side, her face set in determination despite the fear in her eyes. "What's the plan?"

"I'll hold most of them here. You get teams after them the others. Stop them," I said simply.

"That's suicide," she hissed.

"Probably," I agreed. "But I'm the only one who can stop them now. If we can take out all three factions here and now... maybe earth has a shot."

She just stared at me for a long moment.

What happens if i die? I asked Marla. To the Core, to you that is?

She appeared right next to me, though only I could see her.

We've integrated. I can no longer be Attuned to anyone other than a human, unless you willingly do so. That threat is gone. If you die, I'll transfer automatically to the highest level Earthling.

I nodded.

Riley was tracking my eyes, as if she could see what was happening. She shook her head.

"The Core is inside you somehow," she said, not a question but a statement of fact. "How is that even possible?"

"No idea," I admitted. "But I'm going to use it."

Hargrove limped over, his uniform torn and bloody but his eyes clear. "The barista's right," he said, surprising me. "We need to evacuate. Whatever's happening to him... it's beyond our pay grade now."

Riley hesitated, then nodded sharply. "Don't you dare die," she ordered me.

"I'll do my best," I promised.

[CORE INTEGRATION AT 97%]

As they retreated, I faced the incoming horde alone. The Final Blend was completely gone now, but the Core's energy was spreading through my body like liquid fire. I still had precious moments left of the Booster Brew. My vision blurred with golden light.

I focused all my remaining power, channeling it not into combat but into the very structure of the cavern itself. The ground began to rumble, stone starting to crack as I reached deep into the earth, connecting with the natural forces below.

"EVERYONE OUT!" I shouted one final time, making sure the last of our forces were through the exit tunnels.

The Karens paused in their advance, sensing the change in energy. Their perfect faces registered something they rarely experienced: fear.

"THIS ESTABLISHMENT," I announced with the gravity of cosmic judgment, "IS NOW CLOSED!"

I activate an ability that had been glowing in my HUD, highlighted by Marla.

[DIDN’T PAY YOUR BILL]

Create a temporary magic deadzone that blocks all spellcasting within a 200 ft radius for (1 second × caster level).

Cooldown: 1 minute

Side Effect: Causes intense magical FOMO.

All portals snapped shut.

The Karens, the trolls, the monks, all turned to look at me.

"Looks like it's just us girls. Slumber party?"

I slammed my fists into the ground with every ounce of power I had left. The impact shattered the foundation. Massive cracks spread outward like lightning, walls began to crumble, and the ceiling started to collapse in massive chunks. They tried to run but it was futile.

Lava boiled up through the fractured stone like the earth itself was bleeding. The air shimmered with unbearable heat, skin-peeling, bone-scorching. A half-dozen Karens vanished in screams as molten tongues licked across the chamber. The ground cracked. The ceiling groaned. The world was coming apart.

Karens scattered, their battle cries warped into shrieks of dread. Trolls trampled monks. Monks trampled each other. It didn’t matter who they worshiped. Their god had already answered.

“Maybe,” I muttered, sweat boiling off me in waves, “didn’t think this all the way through.”

A stalactite the size of a Prius sheared loose above me. I caught it—barely. My knees buckled. Muscles screamed. It didn’t care. Gravity doesn’t bargain.

A monk locked eyes with me. No fear. No mercy. Just glowing hands and the serene calm of someone about to become a martyr.

I dropped the rock.

The explosion of bone, stone, and fire swallowed us both.

Everything blurred. Limbs shredded. HUD screaming. The floor cracked like paper and the magma surged closer, orange and endless. I was buried in it—stone above, fire below, pressure all around. My health locked at 1. An alert blinked in crimson.

[EMERGENCY MODE: ACTIVATED]
[CORE INTEGRATION AT 99%]

“Well,” I whispered to no one, barely able to breathe, “at least... I saved them.”

Darkness swallowed the world.

My stats hit 1. My health followed suit.

Time became irrelevant. Seconds stretched like torture. Minutes broke apart. Pain was everything. Pain was God.

Then her voice slid in, smooth and quiet.

“Hey, hey... it’s okay. You’ll be okay.”

Marla. Calm. Cosmic. Close. Her tone was morphine.

“It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay.”

After a while, even her voice felt distant.

Forever passed.

Breathing slowed.

My countdown on Morning Brew edged closer to its end.

To my end.

Silence.

I hung there, suspended in fire. And something shifted inside me.

A glow. Not from my HUD, not from the Core.

From her.

Marla appeared, not with fanfare or glitching light, but soft and still—calm. Like a candle before the wind.

[CORE INTEGRATION AT 100%]

“This is it,” she said quietly. “The Integration is complete.”

She brushed her fingers against my temple, and her touch didn’t spark or glitch. It was warm. Solid. Real.

“You don’t need me anymore,” she said. “You are the Core now. I was just the voice trying to help it speak. But it’s all you. All yours.”

I tried to answer, but no words came.

Marla smiled, genuinely. No sarcasm. No smirk.

“I’m not going far,” she whispered. “Just… deeper. Down where the roots grow. Where fire becomes foundation.”

But, I'm dying. What is the good?

She began to fade, light first, then sound.

“I’m part of you now, Jerry. One voice, one will. Make it count.”

And then she was gone.

No final joke. No punchline.

Just me.

And Earth.

And infinite quiet. Just my heart. The sound of its slow bears grew defeaning.

Boom.

Then silence.

Boom. Wait, was that outside?

Had I dreamed it?

And then—

The sound and tremor came again.

Boom!

Metal tore. Earth shook. Something massive ripped through the stone. I felt weightless as it was lifted from me.

Light pierced the gloom. Not divine. Not soft. Headlights. Blazing, red, angry.

From the hole emerged a massive arm attached to fifteen feet of chrome-red armor, limbs hissing steam, steel teeth grinding as it moved. Its plating was streaked in blood and magma. Sigils glowed faintly on its chassis, pulsing like a heartbeat. A mech! A masterpiece of engineering.

The cockpit hissed open.

Inside—was that a fucking cat? An actual orange tabby wearing what appeared to be a tiny general's uniform complete with medals and gold bars on his shoulder? A scar across one eye. He lifted one paw, solemnly.

“I’ve got you,” rumbled a deep, commanding voice.

OMG OMG KITTY! I could still feel Marla somewhere deep in my mind.

The mech's metal arms scooped me up with ease and I was cradled against cold steel that somehow felt warmer and more comforting than it had any right to be.

“Hero of Earth,” the voice continued, impossibly baritone despite coming from what sounded like a being that probably spent its days knocking glasses off countertops. “Rest now, for when you wake, we have much to discuss.”

“Cats in mechs?” I wheezed, blood in my mouth, fire at my back. I felt the g-force as we rose into the air.

Behind us, the chamber roared and collapsed. The magma rose.

And then the coffin lid of the world slammed shut.

I wasn't dead.

I... wasn't... fucking.... dead.