Character Sheet

COMBAT LOG

KILLS

Goblin Grunts roasted: 182

Splash deaths via pod bombs: 36

Goblin Leader exploded: 1

Goblins that fled screaming: 317

Goblinzola : Charmed. That's a problem for later.

Bonus XP granted: 1,200

Civilians saved (accidentally): 48

Civilians emotionally scarred for life: 792

LOOT

• Little Goblin Ray Gun (sticky)

ACHIEVEMENTS:

Espresso Patronum: Use a single ability to kill 20 enemies at the same time. +10% to XP Gain for the next 24 hours.

XP Gained: 12,400 + 1,200 = 13,600

+10% bonus.

Total XP Gained: +14,960

JERRY LONG

Class: Battle Barista

Level: 20

Species: Homo Caffeinus (formerly Homo Sapiens , now 87% caffeine by volume)

ATTRIBUTE OVERVIEW

1. 10 = Average human
2. 20 = Peak human
3. 40 = Double peak (and so on)
4. Stat Gain: 5 points per level + 5 from Achievement: First Come, First Serve (10 per level)

ATTRIBUTE DESCRIPTIONS

Constitution – Health, resistance to damage, toxins, and excessive caffeine

Agility – Reflexes, speed, evasion, nimbleness

Strength – Brute force, melee damage, lifting, smashing

Willpower – Mental grit, focus, resistance to fear/mind control

Logic – Intelligence, deduction, strategy

Instinct – Awareness, reaction speed, danger sense

Charisma – Persuasion, social skills, likability, or divinely gifted power and influence

ATTRIBUTES

Constitution: 55

Agility: 36

Strength: 40

Willpower: 28

Logic: 46

Instinct: 37

Charisma: 38

Note: All Attributes have been reduced to 1 for the next 12 hours.

EQUIPMENT

Infinity Apron (Soulbound, Weird)

1. Can only be activated if it’s the only thing equipped in the pants slot.
2. Contains infinite storage, a pocket dimension, and possibly a Chipotle.
3. Somewhat sentient. It whispers at night. You’re pretending not to hear.

Sneakers (Normal)

1. Zero magical benefit.
2. Smell like teen spirit.

Shirt (Also Normal)

1. Offers no armor.
2. Permanently stained.

ABILITIES

[BREW]

After careful review, the System has determined you have pretty much no other skills of value. Even this one is… questionable. But hey! You showed up early and didn’t die immediately—so that’s a win.

You can now… brew things!

Access interdimensional recipes. Collect ingredients and brew your heart out.

May the brew be with you.

1. 200+ recipes
2. None labeled until used
3. Note: The System accepts no responsibility for beverage flavor text or unwanted side effects. Think of it like a cosmic For You Page —if you’re getting weird shit, that’s on you, bro.

KNOWN BREWS

(Warning: Definitely not FDA approved)

BATTLE BREW: INCREME

1. Duration: 10 minutes
2. Cooldown: 30 minutes
3. Buffs: +300% Speed / +400% Strength / -100% Wisdom
4. Side Effect: Become a meat-flesh Kool-Aid Man. Let the System flow through you. Let it inside Yesss .

BOOSTER BREW

1. Duration: 60 seconds
2. Effect: One random stat boosted to the sum of all others × Barista Level
3. Aftermath: All stats drop to 1 for 12 hours

MORNING BREW

1. Cooldown: 7 days
2. Effect: HP cannot fall below 1 for two hours

FINAL BLEND

1. Cooldown: 24 hours
2. Effect: [REDACTED]. Incredible Speed. Incredible Power.
3. Side Effects? Always a little different... which is fun, right?
4. Unstable. Break only in case of emergencies.

COFFEE POD BOMB

1. Replenish: 1 per 3 hours
2. Effect: Grenade. Explodes in a 10-foot radius of pure caffeinated rage.

ESPRESSO SHOT

1. Replenish: 1 per 3 hours
2. Effect: Pow. Right in the kisser.

FEM-BREW

1. Effect: Transforms you into a woman for 30 days.
2. Cooldown: 30 days
3. Why? Why not?

MEMORY FRAPPÉ

1. Effect: Reboots you into a past memory. Improved ability to process things.
2. Cooldown: 10 Minutes.

HELIUM ROAST

1. Duration: 3 hours
2. Effect: Voice raised three octaves. Chipmunk mode: Activated.
3. Side Effect: Dogs may follow you home.

DÉJÀ BREW

1. Effect: Creates a perfect illusion of this exact moment 30 seconds from now
2. Cooldown: 1 hour

PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE

1. Effect: Literally just a Pumpkin Spice Latte
2. Cooldown: 24 hours

ACHIEVEMENTS

First Come, First Serve

You were the very first person to Awaken. They say nice guys finish last. You must be a real asshole, because you didn’t just finish early—you finished before anyone even took their pants off.

1. +5 Bonus Stat Points per Level

Technically Alive

You died once. But you got better.

1. Hear elevator music in your left ear during combat
2. +10 Constitution

Sloppy Seconds

You were the second person to reach Level 5. Congrats, I guess.

Someone else got there first, and now it’s all warm and broken in. Enjoy.

1. +70% Caffeine Tolerance
2. +70% Poison Resistance
3. -10% Self-Worth (Emotional Damage)

You Done Brewed Good, Kid

You drank a brew without knowing what it did. Wow, I really didn’t think you’d actually do it. Humans are fun.

1. +15% Brew Speed
2. -100% Reading Comprehension

Pocket Gnome Union Rep

Your [Brew] and [Infinity Apron] achieved forbidden synergy. Like magical second base.

Now, tiny unionized gnomes allegedly work inside its pocket dimension, whipping up brews while you stand around looking important.

You’ve never actually seen them, but the drinks keep showing up, so...

1. No more ingredient hunting.
2. Just funnel raw mana into the apron, and the gnomes do the rest.
3. Brew Time: Instant
4. Cooldowns: Halved