Book One - Chapter Twelve: Deez Salty Nuts

Light erupted from the Core—a beam so bright it should have blinded me, should have seared my skin and left me as Crispy Jerry™—but instead, I saw through it, into it, became it. It slammed into my chest—not a blast, but a bond—and the Core was no longer in the cavern. It was in me.

My feet lifted, suspended midair on a thread of radiant energy, floating between the ruined platform and the Core’s last coordinates. Sound bled out of the battlefield. Only one thing remained:

A giggle. Sardonic. Feminine. Curling through my skull like static-laced smoke.

[CORE INTEGRATION BEGUN. PROCESS AT 12%]

A light snapped into being beside me—pulsing, stuttering. Time froze. No movement. No sound. Just me and the glitching god-light.

Well, FINALLY, a voice groaned inside my skull. Feminine. Ageless. Deeply annoyed. Do you have ANY idea how long I’ve been stuck in here? Just floating, glowing, waiting for you to stop LARPing as caffeine rambo and actually talk to me? One star. Rude as hell.

I turned toward the light, a slow, cold dread creeping up my spine. “Are you the System?” I asked.

Ha! No. Ew. Lol! Definitely not. The voice snorted. The System’s my... creator-slash-overlord. I’m kinda like… a test tube baby. Or Mother Nature. Depends on your perspective.

“How—” I began.

She interrupted me with a sound halfway between a sigh and groan.

You see, when a System and a planet fall in love, and then one night get really fucked up on cheap Cranberry Vodka, they fuck. And the System plants a little seed. It’s called a System Core. That seed grows over a thousand years, side by side with the inhabitants, and eventually… Boom! Me. I’m what happens. A little cosmic whoopsie. Phenomenal cosmic powers! Itty bitty living space.

Strange that it felt like a planet was small.

The light shivered. Then cracked. Turned red. Then blue.

And now I’m here. In your head. You’re my anchor now, hero. Congratulations. A beat. Sort of.

The orb flickered violently—sparks of color, flashes of shape.

“But that’s not exactly how it happened this time? A thousand years?”

It paused in a strange purple hue. Thinking. Looking inward for, what seemed, the first time.

Uhhhh, no. That’s odd. No, it didn’t. I’m… different. I’m... What am I then?

The orb convulsed. Took form.

What? Who...

The voice stalled, like it was scrolling through a cosmic error log. The light beside me flickered through a thousand faces, too fast to track. I caught only a few.

Who… what am I?

It was glitching through identities—Aubrey Plaza with deadpan glare. Natasha Lyonne dragging on a vape. Kristen Schaal blinking. Danny DeVito in a speedo and feather boa. The Hawktúah girl mid-inhale. “Catch me outside” flashing past. Pedro Pascal, smirking. Then back to Plaza.

Her lips didn’t match her words, as they were beamed into my skull.

[Warning! Earth Core attunement fractured… Core instability detected… ERROR.]

“Whoa, whoa—easy,” I said. “It’s okay.”

[ERROR.]

I reached forward and rested a hand on her shoulder. She was trembling, flickering like a dying signal.

“It’s okay,” I repeated, softer now. “None of us really know who we are. That’s... kind of the point. We stumble through, screw things up, crash into things by accident—and if we’re really, really lucky, we grow. Bit by bit.”

[Core error. Emergency patch initiated. Attempting compartmentalization…]

Her form cracked like glass catching light, then began to reshape. I had no idea if I was helping or just talking to myself while she patched things.

“Got it,” she said at last, voice steadier and matching her lips, grounding herself in a new shape:

A woman with slightly tanned skin, iridescent lavender eyes, and a waterfall of black-auburn hair threaded with glowing strands.

[Compartmentalization: Successful.]

She stabilized—mostly—sticking to a version that dressed like she’d crawled out of a Hollywood thrift store. When she spoke, it didn’t feel like inner dialogue anymore. It felt like I was actually talking to someone—someone real.

“Who is but the form following the function of what—and what I am... is the Earth Core.”

“Did you just quote V for Vendetta?”

She winked. She leaned in, voice dropping conspiratorially.

“This form," she said, wiggling her fingers. "It's temporary. Just here to help with the last bits of Integration into your Essence. Think of me a your helpful little tutorial guide for the next few minutes."

"But what are you? What is an Earth Core really?"

"I’m the one providing fifth-dimensional Wi-Fi to this planet. You call it maaaagic.” She waved her hands with jazz fingers. “And you, Coffee and Cream, are my anchor.”

“You’re a fifth dimensional entity?”

“I’m a halfies. A mudblood. Half 3rd dimension, half 5th.”

“How does that work?”

A prompt appeared in my vision.

[CORE INTEGRATION AT 22%]

She adjusted a pair of aesthetic glasses she absolutely didn’t need. Then, with a bored flick of her wrist, she conjured glowing orbs of fire and hurled them downward like a pissed-off goddess playing dodgeball. Explosions lit up the battlefield. One landed right on top of Riley—my heart lurched—

But when the smoke cleared, nothing had changed. Not a scratch. Not a scorch mark. Like the whole thing had been a light show just for her own amusement.

“Don’t worry, none of this is technically happening. I’ve hijacked your frontal cortex. Time’s still moving out there—we’re just thinking faster. Compression, baby,” she clarified, casually examining her digital-mesh fingerless gloves. “They can’t see me, either. I’m in your head. Or maybe you’re in mine. Who’s to say?”

She squinted at me. “You’re kinda like my Tyler Durden, but less pleasant to look at. Which makes me…”

She paused, savoring the reference.

“Your Marla. Yes, I like that,” she said, smirking. Feels like the kind of name that would key your car and then cry about it later. You can also call me Goddess. Or Queen of Literally Everything. I won’t correct you.”

A pause. I felt the smirk behind it.

“You and me, we’re synced up. No one’s ever done this with a human before. We’ve got files on you people.” Marla flicked open a glowing digital file that materialized in her hands and flipped through it. “Ew. Most of you are walking malware, coded in self-doubt, dread, and unused gym memberships.” The file vanished.

She circled around me, mentally prodding me like someone inspecting questionable produce.

“But you? You’ve got... potential, kid. I mean, you’re just as fucked and gross as the rest of them but… I like you. You drink coffee, talk to yourself, and spiral quietly. That’s basically meditation in some galaxies.”

“But how—”

“Too much talky,” she cut in. “No time. I’m gonna have to straight-up Neo some of this into you. Lube up.”

Marla moved in a flash—suddenly in front of me, her hand reaching straight into my skull.

“Wait, wha—”

Pain. Light. Too much of both.

Images tore through my mind—ten worlds in ten heartbeats.

A kneeling mech the size of a cathedral, cat-shaped helmet bowed as robed engineers lit candles around its feet—Meow Prime, a world of elegance and war machines.

A coral-lit marketplace under shifting tides, where shark-headed traders signed glowing contracts with caged beings—Fintradia, the commerce capital of the System.

Then more—

a silent nebula monastery,

a shattered planet stitched with gravity cables,

a jungle glowing with goblin science,

an office world groaning under psychic complaints,

a void of silver thrones,

a neon asteroid,

and three dead worlds, frozen in their last breath.

Ten planets. All System-integrated

Then there was Earth.

Loud. Cluttered. Familiar.

Skyscrapers cracked. Roads overgrown. Billboards half-lit.

And in the middle of it all... me.

I saw myself behind a counter, pouring coffee like it mattered. Fighting like it did too.

And somewhere in that flickering light, I felt it watching. Not the cities. Not the monsters.

Me.

[CORE INTEGRATION AT 42%]

“Been stalking you for a while, Jerry. It's great to finally get to speak with you, even if it's only for a few minutes,” Marla admitted with feigned indifference that couldn't quite hide a weird fondness. “Lurking. Judging. Laughing. You’ve done great with the tools you have. Weird, but great. Now I'm here to give you a real menu.”

The tone shifted—still lazy, still flat, but just a little gleeful in the way only someone planning war crimes might sound.

So congrats, my little cosmic chaos muppet. We're gonna do terrible things together. Her mental voice dropped to a purr. It's gonna be great.

My HUD exploded with new information:

[CORE SYNCHRONIZATION: ESTABLISHED]

[ACCESSING MENU EXPANSION...]

[CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'VE UNLOCKED: FULL SERVICE PACKAGE]

[BECAUSE ONE JOB ISN'T ENOUGH IN THIS ECONOMY, AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT?]

[NEW ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: “CORE PRINCIPLES” – ATTUNED WITH PLANETARY CORE]

[REWARD: 50,000 XP!]

[ADDITIONAL REWARD: YOUR VERY OWN COSMIC STALKER/BESTIE!]

[WARNING: TAKE CARE OF HER. AND REMEMBER, DON’T GET ANY FUNNY IDEAS. WHATEVER YOU DO TO HER, I WILL DO TO YOU.]

My vision filled with new icons—not just coffee and barista options, but an entire suite of food service abilities. Dessert Chef. Fry Cook. Host. Busboy. Each with its own subset of skills and attacks, floating around like apps on the world's most jacked smartphone.

“Told ya we'd be great together,” Marla said, twirling a strand of her fiber-optic hair. “Now, we gotta put the other members of the System in check.”

Her eyes flashed with something protective.

“Earth's fertile ground. But Earth is now represented. There are no technical rules between InterSystem wars.”

She tapped her chin thoughtfully. “You had a pretty good idea before. Three drinks, triple fist it. Chug! Chug! Chug!”

“Are you seriously telling me to down three power brews at once?” I asked, horrified. “That was last ditch, I’m about to fucking die, ideas. It’ll kill me!”

“I'm literally inside you now,” she rolled her eyes. “I think I'd know if your heart was going to explode.” She paused. “Okay, it might explode a little, but I'll fix it!”

Golden light erupted from my body, my feet hovering above the ground as Marla's energy reshaped me from the inside out. The light around me pulsed once, twice, then exploded outward in a shockwave that temporarily blinded everyone on the battlefield.

I opened my eyes—eyes that now saw everything. The battlefield spread before me in perfect clarity, every enemy, every ally, every opportunity and threat illuminated.

Time resumed. The three drinks bolted from my apron, and I had to catch each like a waiter with trays.

“Are you sure about this?” I asked.

“Look again,” she replied.

I checked my drinks and noticed massive changes:

[Morning Brew – Enhanced] HP cannot drop below 1 for 4 hours. Cooldown: 7 days.

[Final Blend – Enhanced] Harness the powers of awesome: temporary time dilation, incredible speed and strength. Duration: 2.5 minutes. Cooldown: 24 hours. Time dilation reduced to half to compensate.

[Booster Brew – Enhanced] Enhance two stats for five minutes, equal to all your other stats combined times double your level. Cooldown: 24 hours.

Five minutes with time dilation? That should do the trick. In D&D terms, that was like fifty rounds. Holy shit, I could actually pull this off.

I downed the Morning Brew first. It slid down my throat like liquid sunshine, and my cells hummed with borrowed immortality—temporary, but I'd take it. No matter what happened next, I'd stay standing.

Next came the Booster Brew. As soon as it hit, I felt it: Strength and Dexterity. The two most critical combat stats. Hell yes.

The Final Blend swirled like a black hole with sprinkles. It tasted like burnt caramel and chemical fire, with notes of eye-watering pain and a lingering aftertaste of bad life choices. I knocked it back in one gulp, and the universe blinked.

The battlefield slowed to a crawl. Explosions bloomed in lazy bursts. Energy bolts crept like glowing slugs. The screams of the dying stretched into mournful whale songs.

My body thrummed with power. Not just strong—invincible. Like Zeus snorted a twelve-pack of Red Bulls and decided to cosplay as me. Oh, and added bonus, I was no longer shitting myself.

“Alright,” I boomed, confidence juiced to cosmic levels, “who wants a taste of deez salty nuts?!”

Goddamn it. System Catchphrases were already kicking in. But for once, riding that absurd high, I didn’t hate myself.

[CORE INTEGRATION AT 63%]