The Empress Hates Me (Level 4 Reached)

Caelus had made two mistakes that morning.

1. He accepted a formal invitation to breakfast at the Imperial Palace.

2. He ate the green dumpling.

The invitation had been laced with gold filigree, cursive font, and sinister undertones. A real “we cordially invite you to be destroyed politely” vibe.

And yet, he went.

Why?

Because he was an idiot. And also, they had bacon.

The Imperial Dining Hall was bigger than his entire manor. He’s been there once… and did not left a good impression.

Pillars. Marble floors. Waitstaff with actual shoes.

Across the polished table sat Her Imperial Majesty, Empress Theodra, draped in black silk and disdain. She looked like someone who bathed in the tears of underperforming nobles.

Caelus bowed. “Good morning, Your Majesty.”

She didn’t respond.

Instead, she sipped tea and watched him like one might watch a bug attempting calculus.

The food laid out before him was a goddamn masterpiece.

There were steaming pastries that looked like they were sculpted by gods themselves, dumplings plump enough to give you a foodgasm , and delicate fruits that probably cost more than Caelus' entire wardrobe.

It was a spread fit for royalty, and, well, Caelus wasn’t exactly royalty (technically yes, practically laughable)—he was just an idiot with a title and a bad habit of making terrible decisions… the real Caelus that is. And the Jayden in him… added more taste to the clusterfuck.

But ohh… the dumplings. The dumpling tower.

It stood there, like a tempting, green beacon of… destruction.

Caelus reached out, not because he was hungry but because he was stupid.

His fingers brushed against a particularly... suspiciously green dumpling. He knows it. He realized it. He understood it… perfectly well that it is in fact, distrustful.

He went ahead to take it anyway.

It was so green it looked like it had been dipped in toxic sludge for fun, and, despite its appealing shape, it smelled like someone had washed it with dish soap and crushed dreams.

But hey, Caelus had already made worse choices, like that time he tried to seduce a noblewoman by singing to her—so he took it (in the OG Caelus’s memory that is).

[Passive Intuition Triggered]

> Do not eat the green one.

> …

> You ate the green one.

> Fucking idiot.

Fifteen seconds. Fifteen goddamn seconds later, and Caelus felt the ground tilt sideways like it was giving up on him.

His vision went all fuzzy, like someone had smeared Vaseline across his retinas.

His heart? It went into full-on jazz drummer mode—pounding out a rhythm so fast that it might as well have been trying to escape his ribcage.

And as for his body? It felt like it was trying to escape from itself, but not in any graceful way…

He slumped forward, a graceless, limp mess that was no longer sure if it was alive or just in the throes of some existential crisis. He gasped, his words coming out strangled, barely holding onto his last shred of dignity. “Ah... the flavor... betrayal.”

>> Status Effect Gained: Mild Poisoning

>> Symptoms: Nausea, dizziness, a dramatic spike in bullshit.

>> System Warning: “On the plus side, your enemies can no longer say you’re spineless. You’re currently convulsing like a wet noodle on meth.”

Caelus collapsed sideways, his limp form crashing down onto the imperial carpet, which probably cost more than his entire existence. A maid shrieked, her voice piercing the air like a war siren. A footman, no doubt trained for years in the art of serving tea and looking dignified, dropped an entire tray like it was a live grenade.

And then there was the Empress. The Empress.

She didn’t flinch. She didn’t blink. She didn’t even look at him. Instead, she sipped her tea with the calm, detached expression of someone who had seen this exact thing happen a thousand times before, as if Caelus wasn’t an idiot having a near-death experience but just another Tuesday morning for her.

[I do not like her.]

[Not that it matters.]

[Wait…]

[I have no feelings.]

Seriously, System?

I’m fucking dying!

To his own surprise, he woke up.

In the palace infirmary.

Alive.

Covered in sweat and imperial contempt.

A healer hovered nearby. “You survived. How curious.”

Caelus sat up weakly. “Curious is one word. Miraculous is another. Personally, I like incredibly stupid but stubborn.”

Tf are you, dude? Doctor?

>> DING!

[Poison Resistance Lv. 1] Acquired!

>> You survived poisoning. Either you’re evolving, or your body is just too trash to die properly.

>> Level 4 on its way: Confirmed

>> VIT: 4 (+1 for not dying like a chump)

>> INT: 4 (You learned to not eat suspicious dumplings. Progress!)

>> New Title Unlocked: “Survivor of Snack Assassination”

Caelus groaned. “Does this mean I’m finally important enough to murder?”

[Yes. Congratulations! You’re now a low-priority political nuisance.]

Later that day, Jayden passed the Empress in the garden.

She gave him a faint smile.

The kind that said… "Next time, the poison will be flavorless."*

He smiled back.

The kind that said… "Joke’s on you old hag, I no longer taste anything anyway."